Thankful....

Optimism- having "hopefulness and confidence about the future or successful outcome of something; a tendency to take a favourable or hopeful view." The word is originally derived from the Latin optimum, meaning "best." Being optimistic, in the typical sense of the word, ultimately means one expects the best possible outcome from any given situation.  This is per Wikipedia & there is no photo of me attached.

Pessimism- from the Latin word pessimus (worst), is a state of mind in which one perceives life negatively. Value judgments may vary dramatically between individuals, even when judgments of fact are undisputed. The most common example of this phenomenon is the "Is the glass half empty or half full?" situation. The degree in which situations like these are evaluated as something good or something bad can be described in terms of one's optimism or pessimism respectively. Throughout history, the pessimistic disposition has had effects on all major areas of thinking.  This is also per Wikipedia and whaddya know... a photo of me is right there!

I admittedly am a very extreme pessimist.  I do not know why I am this way, I really don't.  Maybe because of my upbringing?  Maybe because I was bullied as a child?  Maybe just because?  Who knows... I really do wish I knew why.......

There is absolutely NOTHING positive about cancer.  NOTHING.  I will fight you tooth and nail and tell you that cancer is a piece of shit.  BUT.  I was reminded yesterday that my FIL is still here and that we still get to enjoy my FIL's company, brass/harsh humor, his stubborn Italian attitude and his love.  THAT is a positive.  Another reason cancer is negative??  It's brought out everything negative in me and I was finally pulled out of it yesterday. 

There are two people that I am dedicating today's post to......

#1-- My BFFAE&E, Jessica.  The woman has a full time job, 3 awesome sons that each have their own sports/things/activities, a dog & a husband...I don't know how or when she sleeps or even eats and yet she STILL finds time to shoot me an email to smack me back into reality, or text me to give me a "virtual" hug or just says, "I miss you sissy..."  Words CANNOT express how that simple text message makes my fucking day.  I got a forwarded email from her yesterday.  In that forward was her yelling at my negativity.  Honestly, my initial reaction was WTF did I do!??!  Then I realized she had read my blog.  Jessica doesn't sugar coat, she will tell you like it is.  Yes, it is my blog, I get to say what I want, BUT she's right.  My FIL's diagnosis has me so fucking angry that I lost sight of the fact that he's still here, Dominic still has his nonno.  Not everyone gets to say this to me though and I don't mean that to be an asshole.  What we're going through may affect me directly because it affects my husband and my son and me, BUT Jess went through this shit with her own son for crap's sake.  She knows what I'm feeling and why.  Maybe it's the combo of going through the same thing AND being my best friend, but I'm glad she did it, she called me out and now I have to try hard to change this shitty outlook.  I love you Jess more than YOU know....feel free to smack me upside the head anytime, just not for real, I prefer it via email or text...hee hee.  You are my rock in this Jess.  When we were talking this summer and you said to me, "Maybe Don had cancer so that I can be there for you....."  I cried for days at that comment.  If it was up to me, I'd go through this alone and blindly than have that little boy diagnosed at 16 months old, but it's not up to me is it?  If it wasn't for you, your guidance, your love and your support in all of this for me/us....I wouldn't know what the fuck I was doing.  I love you & am thankful for you and your boys...all of your boys, even Joe and Paco....

#2-- My good friend, Jen P..aka, "wife"...it's an inside joke.  Don't judge :)  Jen works with Matt and all I will say is that I don't know why we got so close SO LATE!  He's worked with her forever!!!  We have EVERYTHING in common.  We both love the 80's and all the movies that come with that hair-teasing era, we quote songs & movies...she's turned into a very UN-expected good family friend.  On FaceBook for the month of November she's been posting "5 things I'm thankful for today...." After I got a 'talking to' from Jessica I told Jen that I would be copying her and doing the same.  It will force me into actually being positive, which is why Jen said that she's been doing it.  I started yesterday and it felt good!!  I am thankful for you Jen, for encouraging me to stay positive, for loving this family like you do.  I love you....

November is Turkey month!  Yesssssss!!!  I love turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes and corn and carbs and sugar and everything that is Thanksgiving.  We're supposed to be thankful, thankful for this life, this gift, thankful for our health and the people around us...the ones we love.

What are you thankful for?

Just a rat in a cage....

"The world is a vampire, sent to drain
secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
and what do I get, for my pain
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
someone will say what is lost can never be saved"

This is a "snippet" of lyrics from the ever fantastical band that is The Smashing Pumpkins song..."Rat in a Cage." I will address this in a few.....

Oct 21st, my FIL had his 2nd CT scan.  Then on his birthday, Oct 24th, he got to see a radiation oncologist to discuss radiation therapy. Happy fucking birthday right?  My family is going to start hating birthday's if this shit keeps up.  Matt finds out his dad has cancer on HIS birthday.  My FIL is told he needs radiation and MORE chemo on his!!!  Then on Oct 25th, he met with the oncologist to discuss all of the above to map out a new treatment plan.  When Matt came home from work and got settled in at the table for dinner, he proceeded to explain to me the who's the what's and the how's of all of this radiation road.  I couldn't eat anymore.  My stomach literally turned upside down.  I took my plate to the sink and started tearing up a bit.  Matt seemed "ok" with it, as "ok" as he could be I guess, we didn't talk much about it anymore that night.

At the appointment with the oncologist, Dr. LaFollette, he was given his treatment plan and options...well not really options, but you get the drift.  As I said in the prior post, it's door #2 for my FIL; 5 weeks of radiation therapy M-F and a constant pump that will deliver his chemo in a lower dose, which has to be changed out every Saturday.  Dr. LaFollette near the end of the appointment was kind enough to remind my FIL that his cancer, "will never go away..."  that chemo and radiation is to shrink the tumor to "improve" his "quality of life" to be in less pain.  Matt told me that my FIL's response to her "reminder" was..."so we're doing all of this for nothing?"  UGGG...  When Matt and my FIL were alone my FIL did say that he was kind of glad that she told them that, so he won't set himself up for mental failure. 


My train of thought was so scrambled.  How will he react to radiation EVERYDAY?  What if they can't handle watching my son?  Will I have to quit my job?  How the hell is my MIL?  What do you mean the cancer will never go away?  Will he be pain free enough soon to take his grandson to Italy?  If/when the tumor flares again, will he want to do this shit again?  Will we lose him?  Will Dominic lose his best friend? 

Speaking of work, I've been off for the past few weeks, will be off this week as well.  All this time off could NOT have come at a better time for this family.  My FIL has had more doctor's appointments this week than any other previous weeks.  I believe it was Thursday night that my FIL called Matt to let him know that radiation will NOT be starting on Monday (today), they will start the "fitting & marking" process this Thursday.  On Matt's end I could hear that he was trying to figure out how to go with him to this appointment.  Matt took off a few days during this break to spend time with his family and he already went to work on one of those days for a meeting and so I told him to take Thursday off instead of Monday to be with his dad.  He said no.  I told him that I would go with my FIL.  After that was said and done, Matt started tearing up, saying, "I wish I could do more and go with him." UGG.  When I tell you that my husband is barely treading water with all of this....it's true.  Between trying to keep up with the demands at work, the stress that comes with it, staying on top of calling his parents everyday or every other day, spending time with his own family and trying to stay on top of keeping in touch with his friends... all I see in that pool of water is his nostrils to breathe.

Onto my Smashing Pumpkins reference.  I fell off the "running wagon" for a bit because of a stupid shin annoyance.  I'm trying to catch up to said "wagon," and started running again, yay!  I was running on Friday night and decided to put my trusty Ipod on shuffle and as I'm running the Smashing Pumpkins song comes on.  It helped push me through my stupid rib cramp and also made all the sense to me personally.  "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...."  This is EXACTLY how I feel, as angry as I am, as frustrated as I am for my family, I can't do shit about it.  I can't scream, I can't cry, I can't help, I can't heal, I can't hit anything, I can't...why?  Because I feel like that poor fucking lab rat just running and running and running in that maze, in that cage.  My run was cut short not because of the rib cramp but because of my FIL, I was sobbing profusely at the image of my FIL laying there getting marked up like HE'S some kind of fucking lab rat.  Running is my get away, is my new happy place, since last April (besides the stupid hiccup) running has been my therapy.  It's free, it's liberating, it's stress relieving and it's love.

Since radiation last week his only side effect has been that of a "sour" taste in his mouth.  I try to call my in laws everyday, but sometimes that doesn't happen, every other day is more accurate.  My FIL probably thinks that it's annoying having 1 out of the 3 of us constantely calling, but alas... he's got to get over that!  :) 

If I feel like a rat in a cage..... I can only imagine how my FIL feels.....

What's your poison??

If I said radiation therapy to you... do you know what it means?  Like REALLY know what it means?  Here is what MedicineNet.com says it is:

The use of high-energy rays to damage cancer cells, stopping them from growing and dividing. Like surgery, radiation therapy is a local treatment that affects cancer cells only in the treated area.
Radiation can come from a machine (external radiation or from an a small container of radioactive material implanted directly into or near the tumor (internal radiation). Some patients receive both kinds of radiation therapy. External radiation therapy is usually given on an outpatient basis in a hospital or clinic, five days a week for several weeks. Patients are not radioactive during or after the treatment. For internal radiation therapy, the patient stays in the hospital for a few days. The implant may be temporary or permanent. Because the level of radiation is highest during the hospital stay, patients may not be able to have visitors, or may have visitors only for a short time. Once an implant is removed, there is no radioactivity in the body. The amount of radiation in a permanent implant goes down to a safe level before the patient leaves the hospital.
Side effects of radiation therapy depend on the treatment dose and the part of the body that is treated. The most common side effects are tiredness, skin reactions (such as a rash or redness) in the treated area, and loss of appetite. Radiation therapy can cause inflammation of tissues and organs in and around the body site radiated. Radiation therapy can also cause a decrease in the number of white blood cells. Although the side effects of radiation therapy can be unpleasant, they can usually be treated or controlled. It also helps to know that, in most cases, they are not permanent.

Do you want to know what it means to me?  More fucking shit that my family has to go through, THAT'S what it means.  I know that when I talk about this I act like I'M the one that has to do this right?  It affects me that much and I love my FIL that much. 

I work part time.  I LOVE my patients and I love WHAT I do and I don't want to stop, but my family comes 1st and right now, without even knowing how radiation will affect my FIL, I want to quit so that they don't have the added stress of having to watch Dominic between going to radiation therapy EVERY FUCKING DAY AND chemo as well.  My FIL has been going to the gym to walk on the treadmill and talk to his friends, he drives everywhere and still has an appetite, I know he's one of the lucky ones.  Chemo should scare me, but for some reason the thought of radiation EVERY SINGLE day scares me more & I don't know why.  When all of this happened with the diagnosis, I was ready to quit my job.  It was my in laws that said to me, "We need him Ang, he's our break from all of this bullshit."  When my FIL was at his worst with the leg and back pains and Vicoden wasn't even numbing the pain you know what he said to me?  "I don't take pain meds when you bring Dominic."  Fairly annoyed I say, "Ummmm why??  That's what the meds are for dad!!"  He says, "I feel bad when I take it and he's here.  It makes me sleepy and then I can't play with him."  I held back the tears and cried all the way to work.  The man has cancer and is in excrutiating pain and denies himself pain meds so that he can play with his grandson.

During dinner tonight Matt talked about the radiation dr visit and starts explaining the what's and how's and I couldn't eat anymore, I literally got nauseous and the vision of my FIL laying there with nurses marking him up for the radiation treatments.  His options are #1-to go the "aggresive" route and pardon the phrase, but "bang it out" in a week.  Go all out M-F for a week with the max amount of radiation.  #2-go the "less aggressive" route and do it 4-5 weeks, still on a daily basis...PLUS lower doses of chemo.  I believe he is going with option #2.  Either way he's getting blasted and I'm frustrated for my husband and my in laws.  Here I am feeling all these emotions, who the hell knows what they are feeling.  I just don't like the thought of them going through all of this AND having Dominic all afternoon.  But Matt reminded me that we need to let THEM decide that because like they said, "We need Dominic...."  I was at the sink when Matt reminded me of this and proceeded to sob. 

Earlier today on FB I posted that I NOW understand why people become alcoholics.  The weekend of the official diagnosis, we went to dinner and I had a VERY STRONG margarita and I was numb to the world.  In my head it was alllllllll good, everything will be fine!  I get it now.  I get why people drink to forget the pain, to numb it away.  Am I a fall down drunk because of this... absolutely NOT.... I'm a fun drunk, BUT I can see how people can choose that path to drown it out of their lives..... 

Ignorance is bliss....

You know that scene in The Matrix when Cypher is eating dinner with Agent Smith pretty much handing Morpheus over to them in betrayal?  He's about to take a bite out of a steak and says that, "ignorance is bliss"???  It really and truly is.

When our Donnie was diagnosed my life changed.  Everyone's did.  Here is this little baby going through something that NO child should go through and he has NO fucking clue as to what's happening to him or what's going on.  There were people that told Jessica, "Be thankful it's happening now and not when he's older.  Be thankful he doesn't know what's going on.  He won't remember the pain."  Are you fucking kidding me?!  I'm actually really shocked to this day that she didn't punch those people in the fucking mouth.  The day before Jessica broke the news to me, I tried to make her feel better and said, "Jess, it'll be ok.  It's not cancer, it can't be, he's too little."  I not only felt like an asshole while she's telling me that IT IS, but again, heart sank to the floor and I wanted to throw up.  Thank God Matt was driving.  I couldn't stop sobbing. 

Ignorance is bliss.

Cancer sucks.  Cancer is a piece of shit and if cancer was a tangible "thing" I'd beat the living shit out of it.  Cancer doesn't discriminate obviously.  Cancer doesn't care that you're a 16 month old baby.  Cancer doesn't care that you have a 2 and 1/2 year old grandson/best friend that you want to run around the yard with.  Cancer doesn't care if you're black, white, gay, lesbian, green, yellow or blue. 

Ignorance is bliss.

I want SO badly to just go back to what our lives were.  I want SO badly to rub a genie bottle or to miraculously find some fairy dust.  I want SO badly for Jessica NOT have to do/deal with bills (oh yes... years later... there are STILL medical bills), fundraisers or anything to do with this.  I want SO badly to go on this Italy trip for my FIL.  I want SO badly for my FIL to have life the way that it was. I want SO badly to make this all go the fuck away.  I really try hard not to live with the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" but cancer does that.  Cancer makes you re-think everything that is your life, to re-examine things with a fine-toothed comb.

Ignorance is bliss.

Jessica once said to me, "Ang, God will never give you more than you can handle...." which at the time, was the greatest piece of advice, ever.  I'm kinda starting to feel like it's time to write God a letter and say... "Can you hold off for a bit????"  :)

Can you say hiatus?!?!!

WOW!  My little 'break' there was very unintentional...not that anyone has noticed....

Anyways, hi! :)  I wish there were more hours in the day to do everything I need and want to do!  My employer took a "hiatus" of his own and therefore I was off for 3 weeks.  It was great!  I got to spend SO much time with my little man!!  Paycheck sucked because there wasn't one, but being with my family and my son was THE best!

So...my FIL...is doing well.  His "last" chemo session is supposed to be Oct 4th, and it is BUT doc's are saying he needs more AND he needs to speak with a radiation specialist. UGH!  I felt awful at one point for my FIL... he was certain that the cancer was gone because he didn't "need" the pain meds anymore.  As much as I LOVED the positive attitude...even I knew that wasn't possible!!  When the CT Scan showed 30% shrinkage in the tumor, which ROCKS, but he was so disappointed.  Again, he was SO sure that it was gone and got his own hopes up.  Cancer is a piece of shit.

You know what else I realized?  I've realized thru all of this that there are people in OUR lives that care but also just go about their lives and sort of "forget" about ours and I know that sounds shitty.  Let me give an example here.  There is a gal I work with, who I was trying to explain my babysitting situation.  When I said to her that I will NOT ask my in laws to pull a "full" day with Dominic right now because of what they're going through she was like, "Oh yeah.. that's right."  REALLY?  Did you forget that my FIL has cancer?!  Listen.  We ALL have our own lives.  I get it & THIS is what I mean by others' just passing us by and "forgetting" sometimes that we have THIS in our lives now.  I also get that it's hard to ask sometimes how Matt is or how my FIL is, but really???  "Oh yeah, that's right!!!"  WTF!

Remember a few posts back I said that I felt like an asshole when I bacically shot down my FIL's request to take a "before" photo?!  Well, this was the day he asked his son to help him with shaving his head.  I am SO glad that my SIL was there to snap these photos!  As awful and as weird as it may seem to some people, these photos are SO important to me.  Dominic is only 2 and 1/2 and has NO flipping clue as to what is going on around him.  He may "feel" the stress, but he doesn't know what cancer is, he doesn't know what it does.  These photos and my journal to him will be his guide when he is old enough to understand. My FIL's spirits and sense of humor are still intact though.  When I came home and saw his bald head, I wanted to cry but called him my buddha :), then he said that this saves him $20 now from going to the barber!!  :)

My FIL has to be thankful.  There a hundred other cancer patients who can't eat because of the loss of an appetite, who can't do light excersize, who can't even drive... but he IS doing all of the above.  He said to me once, "Ang, I'm not gonna sit on my ass even if I'm in pain.  I can't feel sorry for myself."  I was so fucking proud of him ... I am proud of him.....

  

Destination: Italy

I've mentioned in previous posts that my FIL wants nothing more than to take his grandson to Italy.  Allow me to show you why.....





~Easter Sunday in Catania~

Before I go into all that is the beauty of Italy/Sicily, a bit of background if I may.

When planning our wedding, I automatically pictured my new husband and I on a beach somewhere.  Where we can sleep in, lounge around, bask in the sun with an ice cold tropical drink.  As I was researching online where we should go, Matt walks in and asks, "How would you feel about going to Italy for our honeymoon?"  I jumped on that like white on rice and exclaimed, "UMMM...YES PLEASE!"  He reels me in a little and says, "You should think about it though.  A honeymoon is supposed to be just the two of us, not the two of us and ALL of my family members!  Think about it?"  A pause and a second later, I said, "Ok!  Thought about it... let's do it!  If your family in Italy is anything like your parents, then I'd love to spend it with them!  And HELLO!?!?  It's freakin' Italy!"  So... done and done and that's where we went.....

The Easter Sunday photo was at Zia Maria's house in Catania, Sicily.  Can I tell you how happily overwhelmed I was on Easter Sunday.  I was drawn to his other aunt, Zia Tina more and she was doting on Matt like you would NOT believe.  Everytime she would pass him at the table, she would grab his face and planted a big fat kiss on his cheek.  Right at that moment I started to tear and I gave Matt the look like "Don't you dare say anything!!!" Aaaaaaaand then he did.  I told him I was crying just because I was happy, and I was.  I was happy that he was happy just being with his family again. 

~This is Matt w/ Zia Tina & Zio Nino~

Before the honeymoon, Matt had not been to Italy since high school.  He was as happy as a pig in shit to see his family.  The level of hospitality that each of his family members showed went above and beyond what I had envisioned in my mind.  I fell in love with everything that is Italy and Sicily and I miss it so much. 

My FIL's family is from Catania, Sicily.  My MIL's family is from Bari, Italy.  I often wonder how an Italian hooked up with a HOT headed Sicilian, cuz let me tell you... my FIL... IS both!!  And yes, there's a huge difference between the two.  It's like Korean and Japanese.  Same thing, but not really.  Different dialects, different foods, just different.

~This is what you see looking out of your window on their "expressway"~

The food in Italy is TO. DIE. FOR!  I don't even want to talk about that. I'll get mad.  Take my word for it though.  It's fantabulous.  I workout religiously and on this trip all bets were off. I was on a "SEE-FOOD" diet.  I saw it and I ate it, and it was well worth the weight gain!  My mouth is watering right now at the thought of the food......

This is Matt and his cousin Fabio, YES, his name is Fabio....

Fabio took 10 days off from work to be with us, to drive us around, to show me around, to be our chauffuer.  Meeting Fabio, I could see where Matt gets his sense of humor and use of sarcasm...from his fathers' side of the family.  He had me pissing in my pants from laughing SO hard.  Do I speak Italian? Nope, BUT there were some words that were very similar to Spanish to at times I could pick up what they were talking about.  Other times I needed Matt's help. Anyways, by the end of the trip I showed him how to "Flip the bird" which became our little inside joke.  The day we had to leave, I hugged him, I cried as we went down the escalator and then flipped him the bird.  I can still hear his laughter from atop the escalators.....

~This is me on Mt. Etna, it's an active volcano in Sicily~

You don't need to adjust your eyes.  That's snow alright, in Sicily, in April.  It was AWESOME.  If you know me, you know I LOOOOOOVE the cold weather!  Mt. Etna is an active volcano, but hadn't erupted in YEARS, lots of years.  Days after we left it had erupted and my FIL called the house and yelled, "What the hell did you do over there?!  Mt. Etna erupted!!  You pissed her off!!"  I said, "Noooooo, I didn't do anything--she's only pissed off that we left and she wants me back there!"  :)  On the trail driving up to Mt. Etna were green grassy knolls, trees and wildflowers.  The closer we got to the top is when I saw snow and it was just breathtaking.  In all honesty, I was NOT prepared to take a hike to the top, but I HAD TO!  I'm in Italy, I may never get a chance to climb up a freaking volcano!!  I think on the hike up I burned all the calories from all the food I had eaten on the trip cuz DAMN it was STEEEEEP!!

Another view....

Matt and his cousin, Marianna...

I will tell you the one thing I was very worried about with this trip, two things actually.....

1.  Will they like me?

2.  How in the heck will I be able to communicate with them?

Seeing as how I don't speak or understand Italian, they talked TO me anyways.  I connected with Marianna instantely as well.  She's was funny and just an amazing host as well. 

My MIL said to me one day, "I feel so bad for my husband Ang, he's got no one here that's his family.  Sure he has you kids and Dominic, but everyone is in Italy and I know that makes him sad."  He's been keeping in touch with everyone there via phone calls, but we all know that that's not the same.

~This is the view from Zia Tina's house!!  I know.....~

When all is said and done with chemotherapy, we will be taking that family trip to Italy.  It'll be our "celebration" from all of this stress and bullshit that is cancer.  All the man wants out of life is to show his grandson off to his family...you have NO idea how bad I want a magic wand of some fairy dust to make all of this shit disappear for him.....

Here are some more photos for your viewing pleasure.  I'll end this by saying that this was THE greatest honeymoon/trip EVER.  I'm sure we'll be having more family trips to Disney World w/ Dominic or to the Dells.... but THIS is THE trip for me and I will NEVER ever forget any part of it.....

~Matt and I at the Vatican~

~The Collosseum in Rome~

Don't Quit....

You know when you buy something or trying to do something and you see that "thing" everywhere you turn?  When Matt and I were trying to get pregnant that's all I saw were baby bumps all over the place!  When I bought my 1st new car, saw those everywhere too!!  My new "thing" that I'm seeing everywhere are "13.1" & "26.2" bumper stickers. 

I. WANT. ONE.

Matt says to me, "Just go online, buy one and slap it on the bumper!" He was totally kidding of course he knows that I want to earn it.  I've been running since April of this year and have not stopped.  I've always wanted to run, to be a runner but my excersize induced asthma and laziness took over and I never really started.  Sure I'd run 1/2 a mile here and there but never pushed it because I was afraid I'd collapse or my lungs would.  My friend Jen signed up for a 5k in Chicago at Wrigley Field.  I paid $40 and after registration I was the biggest pot of negativity!  I couldn't believe I had just paid to run!  Who does that?!  I also was NOT training at all because of the negativity.  I just didn't want to do it, nor did I think I could.  Then to top it off, I saw the weather forecast.  Rain.  Cold.  Great. 

My SIL, God love her stayed with me the whole time just like she promised.  I only stopped once to shake of some inner ankle pain and I finished the race in 32:00 mins!!!!!!!!  Do you even realize how proud I am of myself to this day?!?!?!??!?!  Seriously.  Never ran a race before, never trained and I finished it.  Singing OUT LOUD, "Eye of the tiger" helped myself as well as some other "1st timers"...I didn't feel the need for music.  I wanted to just run. 

If you had said to me last year that I'd be clocking 10-11 mile runs per week, I would have laughed my butt off in your face and tell you that that would NEVER happen.  Alas, here I am running 10-11 miles a week and feeling better than ever all around!  It's helped me emotionally, physically and more importantly MENTALLY.

My 2nd 5K was at the Brookfield Zoo.  That one kicked my ass!  Imagine running on a wide path that narrows, throw in some kids who stop REAL fast in front of you and a few strollers.  I finished that one in 38:00 mins...UGG!  I finished though.  This race, I had my FIL on my mind, cried a few times during the run and just kept pushing.  I ran for him that day.

I get it now.  Running.  I get how mental it is.  I get how focused you have to be.  I get it and I love it.  I downloaded a "novice" level training sheet to train for a 1/2 marathon.  Scary.  I'm going to do it though.  I will do it.  I need/want to tackle outdoor running, it's a must!  Right now with the Chicago humidity... NO THANKS!  I'll stick to my chilly basement for now.  I can't wait to run outside when Fall hits! 

I have the following poem posted on the wall in front of my treadmill & read it about 7-8 times while I run.  It was read last year at a SuperSibs luncheon for "Quiet Heroes" who are the mom's of children with cancer.  It brought tears to my eyes.  I read this when I feel like stopping.  I read this when I feel like shit.  I read this to bring me back from negativity.  I read this to feel better (if that's possible) about what my FIL is going through.  I read this and it honestly helps push me to finish my run and helps me feel better about life in general. 

Enjoy...

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown



That 13.1 bumper sticker WILL be mine someday....soon.

Acceptance.....

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grief.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Not all have to be completed & in no particular order, again, according to this model.  I'm pretty sure that everyone has been through something to have applied ANY of these stages in their lives.  I know I have & right now so is my family.....



Last Tuesday was my FIL's 2nd bout of chemo.  He was crying during the session about how he wants to take Dominic to Italy & why this had to happen now...

We went to my in laws for dinner last week.  My MIL greeted me at the door and the look on her face was... well.... not good.  She said, "Not a good day today Angela...." As usual Dominic ran into the house and yelled for my FIL!!  He was laying in his room with a blanket on him, white faced and weak.  I held my emotions back, said my hello's and went to bathroom to cry. 
My FIL has been an emotional wreck this past week.  Since starting chemo the bad days outweigh the good ones.  2 weeks ago on Sunday we had the whole family over to celebrate my SIL's birthday.  I love having everyone here, it's fun, funny & the house smells like my MIL's cooking... BONUS!  As I was doing some of the dishes I look up and saw my in laws crying on the couch.  WTF did I miss?!?  I go over, put my hand on my FIL's leg and ask what was wrong.  Here's the thing.  My FIL, as I said is a tough teddy bear.  He's a sweet as pie but will portray that in the most "tough as nails" way.  He NEVER SHOWS ANY kind of emotion unless sarcasm is an emotion... that's all you get from him.  Like I said, when I told him he was having a grandson he said "I could care less..."  He was literally sobbing in front of EVERYONE, my parents, my SIL, her best friend and ME!  He had been hot/cold on/off the entire day.  One second I'd see the blanket on him, the next I'd see him outside in the humidity to warm up.  Obviously a side effect from the chemo, not to mention he's lost about 50% of his hair now too.  I put my hand on his leg and I say, "It's ok dad, it's ok to be upset.  We have to roll with this though, it's a side effect, I know your frustrated, but if you get cold then fine, your cold...use the blanket.  If you get hot, then you get hot...."  I couldn't cry with him though as much as it killed me.  I did my crying when everyone left. 

This week my in laws came by for a visit and about an hour of babysitting.  My SIL has relieved them of that duty this summer which has been a HUGE help!  Anyways, my FIL says, "I'm going to ask Matthew to shave my head today."  I couldn't even look at him after he said that.  Then he asks, "Wanna take a picture of me with Dominic before?"  In the calmest tone I could.. I said I have plenty of photos of you two dad.... REALLY?!  The man wanted a picture taken and I say NO!?  You can imagine I STILL feel like an asshole.  I called Matt to give him the heads up that his dad would ask for help to shave his head.  I came home, greeted everyone and looked at my FIL, clean shaven, looking like Kojak!  :)  I didn't want to cry so I joked and said, "Now I have a nice shiny Buddha head to rub for a wish!!"  He laughed.

I think as sad as my FIL is still, as confused as he is still, a part of him HAS accepted this.  It's a complete mind fuck I'm sure, being told you have cancer and to try and live your life somewhat normally.  Obviously he has my support, his wife's and his children's but in all honesty the one thing that is saving his sanity right now is my son.  They have a bond so tight you have NO idea unless you've seen it with your own eyes.  When they see each other they BOTH light up... it's truly sick!  I'm just glad that they have this strong relationship.  Dominic has NO idea what impact he has through all of this.  One day he'll know that he was a huge one.....

Scapegoats

Scapegoat; noun. 

Definition: one that bears the blame for others.

When someone's register is short $2.48 at closing time, who does the manager blame?  The teenager who worked that register.  When someone double books the doctor you work for, who does the doctor blame?  The receptionist.  When you show up late to work and your boss reams you out, what do you blame?  Your alarm clock. Everyone needs a scapegoat don't they...someone to blame.  No one wants the responsibility of taking the blame, no one wants to be at fault, no one wants to be the "whipping boy", the "fall guy", or the "red-headed step child". 

Why is it SO easy for me, as well as thousands of others, to bear the title of "scapegoat" unto God?

When our dog, Bosco died, people would TRY and comfort us by saying, "God needed a good dog up there..." I wanted to punch them in the damn mouth.  REALLY?!  God needed a dog huh?  He couldn't take the poor dogs who are abused and neglected? Nooooooooooooooooo, he had to take Bosco.  I'm a FIRM believer that everything happens for a reason, BUT... I'm STILL trying to figure out why Bosco isn't laying next to my feet right now.  I'm pretty sure some people may think I'm a lunatic for tattooing his paw on my ankle, but I give a shit.  I put him there for a reason, I put him there so he's still with me when I'm taking our family on walks that HE should be on.  I put him there so I don't forget him.  I put him there because he was my 1st dog.  I put him there because I love him. I was pissed off at God for taking him away from us.  See...scapegoat.

When Donnie was diagnosed with cancer at SIXTEEN months old was when my faith was truly tested.  I wanted to walk into a church, fall to my knees and SCREAM at Him.. why? WHY a fucking baby!  WHY!  Give it to me!!!!! NOT HIM!! The week that he was diagnosed, Jessica still had to keep "life" going for her other 2 boys, Joey & Felipe.  She asked me to be Joey's Godmother for his communion.  I mentioned it before and I will say it again, I am shocked that I was not struck down by God himself for the shit that I was thinking that day in church.  I was truly pissed for a long time & who got me out of that funk?  My SIL, as angry as I was crying to her about it over the phone she said, "Ang, God didn't do this to Donnie, he didn't give him cancer, you have to pray to him now that he helps Donnie get better."

Aaaaaaaaaaand now we have my FIL, who has a tumor the size of a golf ball that's not only ON his spine, it's wrapped around an artery.  Aaaaaaaand yet again.... faith.... tested....WTF!!!  I wish wish wish I can refer to my SIL's comment about God not being the one to give cancer but isn't He the creator?  Isn't He the Almighty?  The healer, the blesser, the lover......and blah blah blah blah?!  This time around.... guess who is the one reeling me back in when I start thinking like this? Jessica.  When I go off on my rants to either her or onto FaceBook she sends me this:

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

When you see someone who is struggling, a co-worker who is discouraged, a friend who is not up to par, how do you respond? Our words can be what keeps a person going; our compliments can put a spring back into their step. Now more than ever, we need to automatically let the encouragement flow. We need to tell others how much we love them, how we value them, and tell them that they are talented and creative. Always remember, with your words you carry life-giving water. You carry hope, healing, encouragement and new beginnings, and you can pour it out everywhere you go.

Today, choose to speak encouragement. Choose to speak victory and faith. Instead of telling people what they’re doing wrong, instead of pointing out all their faults, find what they are doing right. Focus on the good. There are already enough critical, judgmental people in the world. Let’s be people who lift up others and restore them. Let’s be the light of Jesus in the world.

It's like if she's not directly in front of me when I'm bitching and complaining, she sends this "slap you in the face/reality check" and I'm back to normal, whatever that is.  She said to me, "Everything happens for a reason Ang, and maybe, the reason Don had cancer was so that I can be strong for you, like you were for me....." UGH--*TEAR*

Right now, I just feel like cancer is the new cold...EVERYONE is getting it.  This is insanity and I want it to stop.

Sandcastles....

On Tuesday, June 21st, my FIL had his 1st chemotherapy session.  I was a nervous mess so I can only imagine how nervous my in laws were.  I called them in the morning to let them know I was on my way and my MIL sounded very somber.  Understandable.  I will say that he did VERY well during the session.  No adverse reaction to the chemo, no nausea, nothing.  I was happy about that.  That day was the 1st day in a long time that my FIL was himself again.  He was cracking jokes, giving me crap and just being dad. 

The day before Fathers' Day he expressed that he doesn't like to talk about it because he'd cry.  My FIL isn't one for hugging, kissing or being "lovey dovey"...he's Sicilian, what do you want?  Things changed on that front when his grandson was born.  He is ALWAYS hugging and kissing Dominic!!   The day of chemo I saw how scared he was when I walked into the house.  He didn't have to say a word, it was right there in his eyes.  I don't think anything can prepare you for a diagnosis like cancer.  When people ask me how my FIL is, or are his spirits up, I don't know what to say.  He says that we need to take things "day to day" and isn't completely negative about it but isn't positive either.  At least that's what I see or get from him.  He'll cry with my MIL and talk to her about it, but even with his own wife it's hard.  As he sat in the chair I pointed to my head and asked, "Dad, what's going on in your head?  How are you feeling mentally?"  He shrugged his shoulders, says "Ok" and asked for the remote to the tv.  I took that as "I don't want to talk about it..."  When Matt and I found out we were having a boy and I called everyone to share the news, my FIL's response?  "I could care less Ang"... translation in Sal's way... "I don't care what we get as long as it's healthy."  That's just how he is.  It makes me sad that he doesn't talk about it.  As long as he does express things to my MIL, that's all that matters.

Have you ever been to the beach on a family vacation?  Sunny and warm.  You pick the perfect spot to build a sandcastle.  You work so hard on it, little windows, doors, make sure the edges are perfect.  Then your shit little brother/sister or some idiot kid jealous of your work of art comes along and just stomps on your creation, kicks it down, laughs and runs away?

This is the only way I can describe how I think my FIL is feeling.  He's built a life with my MIL, had 2 kids who now have great jobs, they can fend for themselves.  Then along comes a grandson, his best friend, his everything.  Life is perfection and great...... then BAM... sidelined and the sandcastle crumbles..... 

Tomorrow....

Before I unleash my feelings about tomorrow.  I have to thank my best friend for reminding me to enjoy the fact that I DID get to spend my birthday/Father's Day with my FIL and dad.  Jessica (the bffae), is my reality checker, my therapist, my sister, my emotional punching bag, my 2nd set of eyes and I don't know WTF I'd do without her in my corner.  With the exception of you readers, I can count on 1 hand how many people I talk to on a daily basis about this crap and she's right there.  All the time. 

                            Jessica, Joey & I on my wedding day

My poor FIL slept most of the day and didn't eat much either.  There was a moment where he and I got to talk in the kitchen and he says, "My appetite is gone Ang, I'm afraid it's going to get worse and I'm going to lose more weight."  Do you understand how much I wanted to break down, right then and there?  Right there, that moment I heard fear in his voice.  I've been with Matt for almost 8 years and in those 8 years until now, my FIL was always the "fuggedaboutit" kinda guy, laid back, but acted like a tough shit kinda guy too.  It has changed me SO much to see that man this way, it kills me.  When Donnie was diagnosed that changed me too, it showed me that cancer IS an asshole and doesn't discriminate.  It taught me to NOT take for granted anything in my life, especially my healthy son, and I haven't.  This time though, it feels different.  I don't mean to sound like I don't or didn't care about Don's diagnosis cuz TRUST me ... the week he was diagnosed we all had to sit in church for Joey, her oldest son's, Communion and I'm SHOCKED that I'm alive and typing this because the shit running through my mind in church, I'm surprised lightning bolts of death didn't come down from the heavens and kill me.  I love those boys like my own, but this time it feels MORE real, does that make sense? 

      Fathers Day 2011-Dominic covering Nonno in stickers!

So, tomorrow.  My FIL will be receiving chemotherapy once every 3 weeks, each session being 5 hours on an outpatient basis.  Tomorrow (Tuesday) is his 1st session.  I told my girlfriend Kari that I would be taking my in laws.  She asked, "Are you going to be ok with that?  Seeing that?"  I said, "I have to be."  I have NO idea what to expect tomorrow.  I'm sitting here blogging about my feelings and how shitty I'm feeling while I'm sure my FIL in his mind is scared as shit for tomorrow too.  I have to be the strong one though right? For not only my FIL, but my MIL too.

This is totally like a roller coaster ride. Totally.  We all have to just strap ourselves down and get ready for the ride of our lives.....

Happy Fu*king Birthday....

June 6, 1975- that's Matt's birthday.  On June 6, 2011 my husband was at the hospital with his father.  On June 6, 2011 our family was told that the tumor they found in my FIL was indeed malignant. 

When anyone asks Matt, "When's your birthday?"  He says, "June 6th...D-Day."  Now, I'm no history buff, in fact I failed miserably. What I do know is that this is the day we (160,000 troops) invaded Normandy.  It was a quest to defeat Hitler.....

I hate to compare such an awful, historical event to what our family is going through right now, but this is how I feel.  What a shitty fucking birthday; not that it was that important at the time, but not only do you have to take your dad to a biopsy procedure, you find out the same day that what they biopsied IS cancer.  Now what?  No amount of loved filled "Happy Birthday" greetings can take away the sting of the fact that your father has cancer.  The morning of Matt's birthday he woke me to tell me he was leaving.  I said, "Happy Birthday!!"  Matt says, "I hope so....."  This isn't even MY dad and I'm a fucking mess.  I cannot imagine what my husband, my MIL and my SIL are going through right now.   

June 6, 2011 was like our own "D-Day" wasn't it?  My family has to be those 160,000 soldiers right now.  My family has to help my FIL invade this thing and kill it.......

I. Hate. Cancer

So what is happening in my life you ask that's changed my mind into doing this blog? Cancer.

I loathe, hate & despise it.  My mother's side of the family is riddled with a history.  I lost my grandparents to cancer, my aunt, my best friends son was diagnosed at 16 months w/ kidney cancer and now my father in law (FIL) was recentely diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma aka skin cancer.  Now when I say to you "skin cancer", what is your 1st thought?  Treatable right?  It's just on the skin, no big deal, just scrape it off and hope it doesn't come back right? Yeah....no.  In my FIL's case, it's ON his spine, wrapped around a major artery and INOPERABLE.  He starts chemo & radiation treatments next week.  Before I go into how fucking pissed off I am, allow me to share a bit of history...

I can count on both hands & feet AND then some, how many people dislike their in-laws.  Always bitching and complaing about their "monster" in laws & they did this and she said that.  I have NO idea what that's like.  Allow me to mention that my in laws are Italian/Sicilian and I love them.  I feel closer to my mother in law (MIL) than I do my own mother, VERY sad but true.  It's not easy having an Asian mother, but that's a different story for a different day. My MIL will give you the shirt off her back & will feed you to no end!! My FIL is a big smart ass teddy bear who pretends to be tough as nails.  They are "old school" Italians, but at the same time THE most laid back people that I know.  I used to work about 10 mins from their house and would go there for lunch.  The girls at work would ask me to lunch and I always said, "No thanks, I'm going to Matt's parents for lunch."  The response, "By yourself? WOW!  I hate my in laws, how do you go there alone?"  All I could think of was how sad I was for them that they could feel that way towards other people.... very sad.  Plus, the food is not only free but it's Italian food! Helllooooo?!?!!?

This is my FIL and I on my wedding day.  He looks thrilled doesn't he?!   The relationship that I have with my in laws is something I cherish with all of my heart.  I don't call my in laws by their names.  I call them "mom" and "dad", I don't do it for shits and grins, I do it because they are.  Anyways, so that "tough as nails" attitude I mentioned completely disappeared when our son was born....

Doesn't this picture make you want throw up?!  My FIL was a bag of nerves the night I went into the hospital.  My bff told me that he was pacing back and forth, back and forth.  Everytime Matt (my husband) would call or text someone down there, my FIL was right there asking if things were ok.  The second he held our son, he was butter in Dominic's hands.  Dominic was literally just hours old and already had this man wrapped around his fingers.  Disgusting I tell you, truly.  What's my point... my point here is that no matter how much I try to think positively about our family's new situation I cannot help but think, "What if something happens?  Dominic is ONLY 2 years old!  He loves his grandpa."  When my FIL walks into the room, forget it!  No one else exists.  When we go visit grandma/grandpa and Dominic doesn't see grandpa right away, he will search the house high and low screaming for him. They're best friends and really?!  Cancer? NOW?! Why? WHY!!!!!!!!!! I fucking hate cancer.

This blog will mainly be my outlet to bitch and complain that I hate cancer and want IT to die, but the other reason??  Maybe, just MAYBE there is someone out there going through the same exact thing or has gone through it to help me in my thoughts or just a little bit of hope that everything WILL be ok.  All I know right now is that I'm pissed off, frustrated and confused not only with life but my faith as well.  I thought that my faith was being tested when my bff's son was diagnosed as a baby....it's being tested AGAIN and it's NOT pretty.....

My Pensieve....

Hi blogging world!  My name is Angie, nice to meet you!  I'm totally new at this blogging thing and getting used to all of this layout business.  I'll figure it out the more I play around right? 

Anyways, this is my little family, my husband Matt, our son Dominic and yours truly. I've thought of starting a blog when my son was born, then realized that a newborn is alot of freaking work!  A good friend of ours kept a blog and it sparked my interest but I didn't have anything to write or complain about that was blog worthy.  Until now.

Before I delve into all that is my life right now, the reason why I started this blog is to hash out my qualms of life and the curve balls my family is being thrown right now.  Also, I wanted to "introduce" myself before I start bitching & complaining.  I don't want to start off on the wrong foot you know?  I'm hoping that in my blogging journey someone is out there feeling the same thing or even going through my same motions and can help guide me perhaps.  This blog is my outlet, my emotional punching bag.  It's not and won't be about just one thing.  I do have a journal that I physically write in for my son.  I started it the day that I found out I was pregnant with him.  I will continue to do so even though I'm about a month behind!  Thank goodness for my trusty BlackBerry and the calendar of events that I can reference to try and refresh my memory! 

I have no idea where this road will take me or how long I'll be traveling but I can only hope that it helps me clear out all of my thoughts on a semi-daily basis.  Almost like the pensieve from Harry Potter. "The pensieve is an object used to review memories. It has the appearance of a shallow stone basin, into which are carved runes and strange symbols. It is filled with a silvery substance that appears to be a cloud-like liquid/gas; the collected memories of people who have siphoned their recollections into it. Memories can then be viewed from a third-person point of view."  This blog is my pensieve something that I can release my thoughts into....