You know that scene in The Matrix when Cypher is eating dinner with Agent Smith pretty much handing Morpheus over to them in betrayal? He's about to take a bite out of a steak and says that, "ignorance is bliss"??? It really and truly is.
When our Donnie was diagnosed my life changed. Everyone's did. Here is this little baby going through something that NO child should go through and he has NO fucking clue as to what's happening to him or what's going on. There were people that told Jessica, "Be thankful it's happening now and not when he's older. Be thankful he doesn't know what's going on. He won't remember the pain." Are you fucking kidding me?! I'm actually really shocked to this day that she didn't punch those people in the fucking mouth. The day before Jessica broke the news to me, I tried to make her feel better and said, "Jess, it'll be ok. It's not cancer, it can't be, he's too little." I not only felt like an asshole while she's telling me that IT IS, but again, heart sank to the floor and I wanted to throw up. Thank God Matt was driving. I couldn't stop sobbing.
Ignorance is bliss.
Cancer sucks. Cancer is a piece of shit and if cancer was a tangible "thing" I'd beat the living shit out of it. Cancer doesn't discriminate obviously. Cancer doesn't care that you're a 16 month old baby. Cancer doesn't care that you have a 2 and 1/2 year old grandson/best friend that you want to run around the yard with. Cancer doesn't care if you're black, white, gay, lesbian, green, yellow or blue.
Ignorance is bliss.
I want SO badly to just go back to what our lives were. I want SO badly to rub a genie bottle or to miraculously find some fairy dust. I want SO badly for Jessica NOT have to do/deal with bills (oh yes... years later... there are STILL medical bills), fundraisers or anything to do with this. I want SO badly to go on this Italy trip for my FIL. I want SO badly for my FIL to have life the way that it was. I want SO badly to make this all go the fuck away. I really try hard not to live with the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" but cancer does that. Cancer makes you re-think everything that is your life, to re-examine things with a fine-toothed comb.
Ignorance is bliss.
Jessica once said to me, "Ang, God will never give you more than you can handle...." which at the time, was the greatest piece of advice, ever. I'm kinda starting to feel like it's time to write God a letter and say... "Can you hold off for a bit????" :)
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