"Respect for ones parents is the highest duty of civil life" -Chinese Proverb

With all of this talk about my in laws, I need to mention how amazing MY family has been. I'm crying thinking about what I am about to write because I am overwhelmed with their love and patience with me during all of this bullshit cancer crap.

If you know me, you know that I joke about Asians, poke fun and laugh at them pretty much every chance I get. Mainly because they do annoy me and other than my outside physical attributes, there is really NOTHING Asian about me. I don't play an instrument, I am beyond terrible at math, I drive a Chevy, I'm tall, loud and I like to eat. However, I do my own nails and really awesome at that and take a shit ton of pictures, so I guess I don't suck THAT bad as an Asian. Please don't get it twisted though, I love WHO and WHAT I am and damn proud of my Korean-ness. The Korean culture is a beautiful one and apparently so is the country, but some of the "rules" and shit annoy me. Korean custom/tradition states that when a daughter marries, she is supposed to ONLY be all about her new husband's family, for example, holidays.  Daughters family is hardly included, it's always the husband's family 1st...yeah fuck that. Back in the day, the men had that "barefoot and pregnant" mentality as well, I'm sure some still do. I can't tell you how many times I've seen my grandfather barking orders at my grandmother or even my own father, in the middle of dinner tell my mother to get up for more water.  In my head I thought, "Seriously? Fucking get it yourself." Anyways, in laws ALWAYS are 1st to the daughters family. Bullshit. This was a huge reason why I never dated an Asian and told pretty much everyone around me that I would NEVER marry one either. Plus, I'm 5'10, tower over Asian boys and I knew I'd never find one my height or one my height that I would even like...tee hee. For the record, I'm not saying that ALL Korean men are this way. Just like there are Italian men out there that actually cook, clean and help their wives. *Ahem...mine* :)

I'm seriously shocked that I have never suffered from an identity crisis, I am NOT kidding.  My childhood was challenging to say the least. I was the only Asian kid in my 5th and 6th grade class and got picked on BIG time.  One dick-fuck even said to my face, "I can blindfold you with dental floss." True story. Sure, NOW it's funny BUT when he said it at that very moment, it fucking hurt. Kids/teachers at school would tell me or show me one thing and then my parents would tell/teach me a different, "Asian" way, it was very confusing for me. My parents did the best that they could with what they had, I surely don't blame them but it wasn't easy.  The only thing they did for Christmas was a tree. No lights on the house, no stockings, nothing. So I decorated my own room with Christmas shit. It looked like Christmas threw up in my bedroom.  I had my own tree, hung my own lights, even had empty stockings for my mom, dad and brother.  I promised myself that I would show my kids and explain to my kids every fun tradition out there and decorate my house at every holiday.  I sound like a fucking brat don't I, like an ungrateful shit child who grew up homeless or some crap?  I don't mean it to sound that way, but just like how my parents came here for a better life for their kids, I want the same for mine.  Again, they did the best they could with what little they knew and I hate to toot my own horn, but I turned out pretty fucking awesome, no?

Back to my point.  About 2 years ago during a family "pow-wow," my mom admitted/apologized to me that even though she's been in the U.S. for longer than she's been back at the old country, she STILL has the Korean mentality.  It's hard for her to let go of some of the thoughts and customs. So during the holidays when I would ask my mom what they wanted to do for Thanksgiving or Christmas, my mom would say, "Worry about Matt's family...don't worry about us." I was like WTF!? NO! I want MY family there too, wtf is her issue?! My in laws always included them as well.  I LOVE that Dominic gets to spend the holidays especially with BOTH sides of his grandparents.  She now finally gets it, they both do.

After I had Dominic and went back to work, my in laws spent ALOT more time with Dominic as they're both retired and was happy to have their grandson around while we go to work to support our new little family. I tried to make it a point to have Dominic spend as much time with my parents too so there were no "favorites," and he got to know BOTH sides equally....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnndddddd then all of it got fucked up.  Fucked up because of cancer.  

I typed out a long letter and had my cousin, Jen, translate it for me in Korean. (Yet, another reason why I suck as an Asian, I can't read or write it and don't speak it 100% *hangs head in shame*) In the letter I was apologizing for sucking as a daughter. Why? Because I'm trying to have Dominic get as much time as he can with his sick grandfather and therefore spending more time with my in laws. Because my mom and dad have needs too as far as my help with setting up THEIR doctor's appointments, understanding and translating shit for them and taking THEM to some of their appointments.  Because as their daughter, I'M supposed to help them and I was doing a piss poor job of it. 

My parents called me separately after getting said letters and told me to stop. They told me NOT to apologize, they told me they understood, they weren't mad or weren't "jealous" at the time spent with my in laws. You have NO idea how much weight was lifted off of my shoulders already heavy with in law business. My parents and I, especially my mother, have struggled to "get along" so to speak throughout the years because of the language barrier and the different mentalities. We are all finally in a perfect place all around with our relationship. They both work full time and in a very different place in their lives. They help us in other ways and super supportive of not only me, but Matt and my in laws as well. 

I know this entry is about them, but I have to say that Dominic of all things/people, has helped my relationship with my parents. My son has NO idea what he is to this family. Obviously because of the speech delays I never spoke a lick of Korean to him. I asked my parents to keep speaking it to him though but that wasn't a priority for me to instill in my son. During our last trip to Sicily when I finally got a hold of my mother, she jokingly asked, "Is Dominic learning alot of Italian?"  I said, "Uma!! I can't get this kid to speak English right now, let alone Italian!!"  She cracked up laughing! With all that said, because Dominic only speaks "his" language and English, it forces my parents to use that with him. In turn it's helped our relationship. It's funny how roles have reversed. In my jr high/high school days, my mom would speak to me in Korean and I would respond in English. Now that I'm older and wiser *wink* and don't want to lose what I DO know, she'll speak to me in English now so she keeps learning and I respond in Korean so I keep learning too.

I've learned to prioritize to help my parents. He's got major back issues of his own and was going to his appointments by himself.  When the flood of paperwork to fill out came into play, questions about insurance, call this doctor to clarify this is when I was like...oooookay...I'm just gonna come with you. I know that with anything in life, things can be a lot worse. I get that, but it's still hard. I'd like to think of myself as a pretty good multi-tasker and I've gotten better at asking for help, especially now w/ a growing belly.  I just hope that as a family, all the balls we're juggling in the air, one doesn't fall and fuck things up. So far I think we're all doing a pretty good job of trying to balance it all. We have a great support system as a family and individually so I'm truly thankful for that.  

Last weekend, I planned on asking my mom to take Dominic overnight so that Matt and I could breath a little bit, get caught up with housework/baby's room and help my in laws. She totally beat me to it. As we sat there and talked she said, "Why don't you bring Dominic here next Saturday for a sleepover so you and Matt can rest?"  

At the end of my letter to them was an expression of love from my end as well as Matt's for their patience.  No letter, no words that I express will ever relay the gratitude I have for everything that they've done for me growing up, but especially now when things really suck and I need them the most. Isn't it ironic how I blasted a little Korean custom before and now I DO have to be about my in laws right now?

  
Well played irony.....well played.....

...........

Because I don't know where to begin as my thoughts are just about everywhere lately and it's been about 6 months since my last entry....let's just start w/ Dominic shall we?

We have been BUSY, BUSY, BUSY! Dominic is in his 3rd year--well 2nd FULL year--of school and I cannot even begin to tell you how proud I am of him!  I've been posting on FB like mad on all of the Dominic-ism's!!  You're God damn right I'm showing off/bragging because it's been a LONG time fucking coming for this child to be able to communicate with us properly.  Don't get it twisted, Matt and I STILL have to catch each other because we do still try and talk for him which is such a hard habit to break, but we're trying.  Every once in a while though, Dominic himself will tell us to "Shhhhh..." so HE can try to say what he wants!!!  I LOVE IT!  

I admit, I also still "hold him back" so to speak w/ things like sports or those Tae Kwon Do classes we tried out last year but it's time now. He's 4 & 1/2 now (W.T.F!) and ready for the things that the other kids his age have been doing.  Matt and I need to put our big kid pants on and show him what he's been missing out on!  As parents' all we ever want to do is to protect our children and for many personal reasons I'm VERY protective of mine, but at the same time CANNOT be overbearing, I know this.  Again, I know things can be a lot worse, but because of his delays, I just get so scared that he isn't really ready for certain things.  Dominic is a resilient little boy and has proven US wrong every single time.  We've finally signed him up for TKD classes and I'm so excited for him to start!  

Oh! We also have this goin' on as well........

Yep!  Another Grasso....another boy!  Yay for using all of D's stuff and not going bankrupt clothing a little girl and turning this house pink and purple! :)  I am 28 weeks but look like I'm ready to pop tomorrow!  I was huge with Dominic too.  My belly entered a room before I did and I honestly loved it!  I wanted people to see me coming with all that jelly! :)  So, needless to say all of this has kept us busy too. Trying to get a new baby's room ready while entertaining a little boy is NOT an easy task! ;)  Thank goodness for sleepover's with the grandma's and grandpa's!

Speaking of, we've also been spending as much time as we can with my in laws is the other reason for our busy-ness. FIL is still fighting a good fight, but things are getting fairly worse.  Tumor got bigger, chemo has stopped for now as this last round clearly did not do shit for him.  Matt and my in laws recently had a consulation w/ a radiation specialist to discuss proton therapy.  Proton therapy is a form of radiation therapy for many types of tumors.  I destroys cancer cells by preventing them from dividing and growing.  The difference between proton therapy and standard x-ray radiation is that protons deposit much of their radiation directly to the tumor and then stop.  This allows patients to receive higher doses, which can be more effective, while reducing the damage to healthy tissues around the tumor (Definition from ProCure.com). There is NOTHING positive about cancer which is why it's much easier to be negative.  I hope to God this works and I pray that this will alleviate the pain he is currently in.  Let's just say he's been taking his pain meds like they are fucking tic tacs.  Proton therapy will probably work BUT because that bitch is on his spine, it will only "buy him time" so to speak.  Apparently the oncologist at Rush is going to talk to his "spine" guy to see if there is any chance of surgery.  I'm hopeful on the proton therapy, I'm NOT holding my breath on the surgery option.  And no, that's not me being "negative," that's me being realistic to the fact that IF anyone touches that tumor the biggest side effect is paralysis, to which my FIL said 2 years ago, "Fuck that."

A few months ago, my FIL, MIL and the nurse were all crying because he said that he wanted to stop, give up and pretty much just throw in the towel.  He won't, but he wants to. If it wasn't for Dominic or his unborn grandson, he would have stopped this bullshit a loooooong time ago.  The man can't cut his grass anymore, guess who does that? My MIL. Like she doesn't have enough to deal with.  He physically cannot play with his grandson or do ANYTHING for more than 5 minutes without feeling winded and tired. What the fuck kind of a life is that?  I usually ALWAYS have something to say, about anything and everything, especially when it comes to this.  So when Matt told me about FIL's appointment, I didn't say shit.  Why? Because I don't fucking blame my FIL for wanting to stop.  The only break he's had from all of this shit is when we went to Sicily last summer. That's it.  

Cancer is such a mind fuck.  It's a mind fuck for those who have it and for their family that have to watch that person suffer.  It's a mind fuck for everyone, mostly for my FIL.  He is your typical Sicilian--hard-headed, acts-tough-but-is-a-softie-on-the-inside kinda guy, so it's hard to see him this way.  It's hard to watch him apologize to me while crying because he can no longer make the drive out here to help us watch his grandson.  It's hard when we go out there almost every weekend to help THEM as much as we can or to let them visit w/ Dominic and all he does is sleep.  It's hard to kiss him hello or goodbye without wanting to punch a fucking wall in anger or run to the bathroom and cry out of sadness. 

We all have things that we are passionate about whether it's a specific organization, club, politics--whatever.  Mine is cancer. I don't think I need to tell any of you how much I hate it.  My hatred for it is pretty obvious especially now that it's directly affecting me and my family. I lost my aunt and my maternal grandparents to it but was never there on a daily basis to really and truly see how fucked cancer is. Aside from clowns, (I'm serious) my biggest fear is that it will take my mother from me.  Now my FIL has it, which means that when asked on a health history form, "Family history of cancer?" Matt now has to fucking check "yes."  I have to check "yes."  I don't even want to go there right now.  I can't. I'll lose my shit.  Just the thought.....I can't....

Aside from the obvious people though, I feel the most for my husband right now.  Thinking about it as I blog, he has NO fucking break. He is swamped/stressed at work and about work AND works more when Dominic goes to bed. He can't just sit when he gets home either because our son wants all of his daddy's attention and Matt gives it to him 150 fucking percent everyday.  Weekends are even more packed w/ busy-ness. Because of all the time we spend with my in laws, I have to fit my parents in there as well.  They are in complete understanding of why more time is spent w/ my in laws and are fine w/ that but it's me that feels bad for them. So we literally have NO weekends where that dry erase calendar has nothing on it.  Let's not forget the "honey-do" list that I have for Matt because of trying to get new baby shit together. He's so tired and sometimes I have no choice but to sit back and be forced to watch the sadness in his face. It is beyond heartbreaking.  

I know that I don't need to explain myself to anyone, but I love my in laws.  The relationship that I have with my in laws is super weird for others to understand because I actually DO like them.  I don't call them "mom" and "dad" for my health.  I would die without my in laws and what they've done for my family.  

It's not that I can't cry in front of Matt or my in laws, but I try not to.  I hold it in until I'm by myself in the bathroom or when no one's home. That's when I cry.  I don't want to upset Matt or my MIL more than they already are and I definitely can't lose my shit in front of Dominic. Last week, out of fucking nowhere, Matt says, "You know, I barely remember my grandfather Matteo.  Dominic isn't going to remember my dad." Now...what in the fuck do you say to that?!  What?!  I just held his hand and let Matt cry.  I will make damn sure that Dominic remembers his grandfather if it's the last fucking thing I do.  

I know that genie's in bottles, magic wands or fairy dust don't exist, but IF they did, I'd wish for this back.  In the picture, my FIL is healthy, happy & in fucking heaven holding his grandson.  I want this back.  I want this back for my husband.  I want this back for my MIL and SIL.  I want this back for my son.