When I do these entries, it takes me days. I start it one way, then have an idea or a thought and I jump around and delete things just to put them back in because there is just so much going on. I truly don't know which way is up anymore to be honest.
For those of you that don't know....for my in laws last week, it was pretty much from hell. Last Tuesday was my FIL's chemo session, I usually call after work to check in, see how he's feeling. There is no answer at home so I call my FIL's cell cuz heaven forbid my MIL get one! :) She tells me that she's still at the hospital because my FIL had a reaction to the chemo. She was in the ER w/ him because he was swollen & couldn't breathe. She was so flustered that she couldn't get half the details out of her mouth. I can't even begin to decribe how angry I was. Angry because the shit that is supposed to be "helping" him has now caused him to end up in the ER. All of this just fell on top of a shitty day at work too, how's that for "icing on the cake?" I walked in the door and just unleased my emotions in a bad way. I skipped dinner and went for a run. I ran less than 1/2 a mile just to go back and tell Matt to go to the hospital. My FIL apparently had told Matt, "don't worry about it," to which I replied, "I could give 2 shit's what your dad said...your mom is alone. If you don't go, I WILL." It was when Matt got home that I had realized the seriousness of it all. My FIL's face, neck and tounge were so swollen from the reaction that he was foaming at the mouth. They stuck him with not one, but two epi-pens then rushed him to the ER to hang a bag of Benadryl via I.V. and to flush out the shit they just pumped him with. I think it goes without saying that my MIL was probably shitting herself in fear because my FIL almost died that night.
I accompanied my in laws to the oncologists appointment this Tuesday. I felt that someone needed to go. Turns out, one of the meds called "carboplatin" is what he reacted to. When you exceed a certain # of treatments of this type of chemo you have this reaction. Why keep giving it then? Everyone is different, not everyone has this reaction. He will now only be receiving one chemo med at his sessions. He is scheduled for a CT scan on the 29th, those results will be read on Dec 4th at his next chemo session. Waiting is a beautiful thing...said NO ONE EVER. Maybe it was the stress of the appointment, but Tuesday sucked donkey balls. I'd forgotten to have my morning coffee which was THE BIGGEST mistake EVER. I was literally too busy to stop and get coffee, I was a bumbling moron at work and to top off my night...my last new paitient of the night?? A 14 year old cancer survivor who during 3rd and 4th grade went through daily chemo treatments and let's not forget that "icing on the cake.." her fucking husband is currently undergoing chemo himself as he has stage 2 colon cancer. I hate the "c" word.....hate. I'd had my fill of it and when I got home, I just stood at the kitchen sink and cried.
When I went to surprise my in laws with a visit last Friday I didn't ask my MIL how she was doing on purpose. She brought it up by telling me how scared she was and how fast it all happened. *Cue the strong need to punch a wall* She said that the look of fear in my FIL's eyes broke her heart and scared her. "It was like his eyes said, do I have to say goodbye?" I've said it before and I'll say it again....I cannot even imagine how my poor MIL is hanging on. Some of you see how stressed I am w/ all of this and he's not even my father. I see how stressed my husband is, can you imagine what my MIL has to be going through?! It makes me sick just thinking about it if it were me. Yet she has to stay strong for him, she has to try and stay positive, she still does and does and does for everyone around her......she needs a fucking medal.
I never want a repeat of last week. EVER.
Running helps to keep me sane. It's the only time that I am alone in my thoughts and the only time I can really let out my frustrations w/ life. I'm a fun happy drunk, with my emotions on overload I cannot and will not have a drink right now because I do not want to turn into an angry Asian. Nothing helps w/ any of this shit we're going through with my FIL, no matter how hard I run or how many french fries I eat it just doesn't help. My desire to go to church and regroup w/ God has never been stronger. Let's go back to my "signs" shall we? I see them more and more everyday, leading me to seek a spiritual path to help me because I need to calm the fuck down. I'm bouncing again but you know the "5 things I'm thankful for today" list I do on FB? Believe me when I say that I did not want to do it last Tuesday, but I did and I'm glad that I did. It was fairly thankful, but I made it a point to let it be known that I was angry too.
My friend, Craig had messaged me, asking if I was ok after my "not so good" post. My intended response was to be quick and to the point. Instead, it became a vent session that led him to refer me (again) to a church in St. Charles. He had contacted a friends father who volunteers there to let him know to be expecting me. I called the church and because he was a volunteer no one knew who he was. I spoke to a Kristen who simply asked why I wanted to come back to the church, what made me want to call. Out of left field, I started crying. Here's the thing...online, over an email I can tell you all day how much I miss my grandma, but when I started telling Kristen that after my grandma died, I had lost my way and stopped going to church is when I just lost it. She then directed me to the outreach pastor, Andy. She said he LOVES talking to people in my boat and to talk to him and set something up. I left a voicemail for Andy who called me back within the hour. I shared my story, he shared his and he offered to meet with me before the service and sit with me during it as well. He asked how he would recognize me and I said, "I promise you that I'm the tallest Asian girl you'll ever meet." Everything about my experience that day was good from the minute I asked the parking lot attendant where the front door was, the nice man walked me to the freaking door. When Andy greeted me, he said, "Wow, you are the tallest Asian girl!" Hahahahaahhaaaaa! He gave me a tour of the church which is ginourmous but welcoming, explained that if/when Dominic comes here, if I choose he can go to the toddler area which looked like so much fun and super secure. They have a room dedicated to teenagers, which I wish they had when I was going to church, loud thumpin' music and arcade games....uggg...just so cool! Everything about this church amazed me and I didn't once feel like Andy was trying be car salesman-y :) The other gentleman that met me there was Don, Craig's friend and can I just say that the kindness of strangers was so overwhelming that day, I can't even begin to tell you.
I wasn't too emotional during the service, and the service BTW was filled with loud music and a guest speaker who cracked jokes and made me laugh. I wasn't used to this at all! I'm used to a crabby old Korean man getting angry during our mass, kneeling and standing, kneeling and standing, then sitting then stand again. Oh and the organ music, don't forget that! I missed grandma though and felt bad because she wasn't the one sitting next to me translating everything. I missed not going to the basement of the church and having donuts with her and sitting with her old lady friends. Most of all I was nervous that she was going to be disappointed in me, disappointed that I wasn't attending a Catholic church. When my grandma died, my mom gave me her gold cross necklace. Right before I walked out the door, I grabbed the charm and put it in my jacket pocket. Everytime I felt like I missed her, I reached into my pocket and held onto it. I don't want to sound cheesy and say that I "felt" her there, but I do know that she was with me.
In wrapping up my morning Andy asked me in his AWESOME ENGLISH ACCENT, "Angie, if Jesus Christ walked into this room and sat next to you, what would you ask him?" WHAT?! How do I answer that?!? That's like asking me what super hero power I want!!!! You can't answer that, but I had to and the ONLY question was simply, "WHY?!" Andy says, "Why what?" I said, crying, "Why cancer?" I explained that I had more brushes with cancer than I'd like in my life. I told him about Donnie's diagnosis at 16 months of age. I told him about my grandparents and my aunt's battle w/ it and how frustrated I was with the fact that my FIL has to deal with it now. They prayed for me and I left feeling really good, good enough to continue to go every week alone for now, and eventually bring Matt and D with. I'm doing this for me, but also for my son. I don't want to be that idiot mom that doesn't know how to answer her son's questions should he have any that pertain to religion.
When I said that I believed wholeheartedly that God has a plan for me, I meant it. It may not make sense to others BUT Dominic's cough from a month ago that led to the doctors' visits, that led to the nebulizer, that led to that letter with the prayer card, that led to my eyes being "opened" up again that there is a "higher power", that led to my desire for spiritual guidance with all of this stronger, that led to my friend Craig's help, that led to my 1st day at church....it was all for a reason...all part of a plan to get me here...where I am now. I feel good about this new journey. It felt good to be excited again about going to church. It felt good to be so welcomed. Am I 100% ok spiritually? Absolutely not, I know that it's a work in progress. I won't have answers tomorrow, I may never but at least I won't feel "alone." I have the best support system around me that I DO NOT take for granted, but all of this mental and emotional stress has me so burned out and barely treading water that I had to do something else to fix this and the signs were all there being placed ever so gently in front of me. Get. Yo'. Ass. Back. To. Church!
Whatever reason we're going through this, whatever reason my FIL is going through this, we may never know. What I do know is that we're going to be ok. As a family, we'll do what we need to do to get over this hump. Will we have days of anger, sure we will. Will I try a little harder to stop being so angry about this, I'm willing, now, to give it the ol' college try. Like I said "work in progress"......
I personally don't think it matters what denomination you are to believe in a higher power or God, I personally don't believe that you need to attend church every Sunday to have faith...BUT for me, it seems to be working and I have to hang onto the hope that one day I'll be a stronger person because of it. I hope that my grandma is sitting next to her old lady friends up there talking about how proud that I even called this church. It was a HUGE step for me and a nerve wracking one in the process. I truly believe that what I was the most nervous about was how much this would make me miss my grandmother. I always miss her, but I knew that in taking this leap it would amplify those feelings. She was my security blanket at church, I don't have that or her anymore. That's what hurts the most, that she's not here to hold my hand. I will never hear her infectious laughter, I will never be able to watch her pray over her food, I will never be able to give her a hug, I will never be able to talk to her about this journey or ask questions about it.
Weather man said it's gonna snow,
By now I should be used to the cold.
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary.
It was only December,
I still remember the presents,the tree, you and me.
But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.
Living alone, here in this place,
I think of you and I'm not afraid.
Your favorite records make me feel better,
Cause you sing along with every song.
I know you didn't mean to give them to me.
But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.
It really sinks in, you know,
When I see it in stone
'Cause you went away
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.
Miranda Lambert "Over You"
Friday, November 23, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Cancer. Chemo. Rest. Repeat.
This was last year's Turkey Day :) It looks like my FIL's treatments are running their own little pattern here, only difference is, he's miserable this time. More dependent on pain meds that make him groggy. Cancer in itself if frustrating, but this time around his frustration level is much higher. Last year he was MORE energetic on the chemo than this year! He was going to the gym almost everyday and was eating like a champ. It's completely different this time. It's the same chemo which has him so pissed off that it's not working.
I'm pretty sure after his 3rd session the oncologist, whom I despise, will probably change the chemo med to something different. My FIL did ask the nurse (who knows more than the fucking oncologist) why it's different this time and she said that they are doing what worked last time. If it doesn't work after the 3rd treatment they'll change up the meds and it's all expectation too. Great. Not only does he have to deal with the physical part of cancer, now it's a mind fuck. The man can't catch a break. In general, when you have an expectation of someone or something, and it doesn't happen, who suffers? You....only you.. NOT the other person. They can give a fuck because they don't know that that expectation was placed onto them.
I hate this. I really do. Yes... at least we get to spend another Turkey Day with him right? I know....positive thoughts....I know, but really? He's miserable, tired, frustrated and confused. He won't eat much cuz it's after he eats he's in pain, his body temp will change too, he's hot...then he's cold. He'll leave the table to lay down, watch the game and then pass out from the pain meds and not the turkey.
Last year my FIL asked Matt to shave his head because he knew it would fall out. This year my poor MIL did it. I figured that it was her that did, but when I asked Matt who shaved his head and he said my MIL did it, my heart literally sank into the pit of my stomach. I call to check in when I don't see them during the week and I seriously try NOT to ask my MIL how she is. It's asshole-ish, but I know what the answer will be & I feel bad as it is that she has to deal with this shit too. Last week while my FIL was getting stuff ready to leave, I asked her how she was doing. With a heavy heart she says, "I'm tired Ang, but what are you gonna do. My husband has to do this, for how long, I don't know, but we have to." *there is a pause cuz what the fuck am I supposed to say to that, then she says* "You know when Dominic does something silly and makes us laugh...it all goes away. My little baba." Aaaaaaaannnd how am I NOT supposed to cry?!?!? I didn't, but really?! I wanted to rip my hair out and scream in frustration for her.
I don't care who you are, where you are from... NO ONE has in laws like me. NO ONE. The man is in fucking pain, can't do shit as far as playing with his grandson, has to rely on my MIL to do everything while they are here cuz he's droggy from pain meds, yet they still drive out here 2-3 times a week to do this for my family. Words will NEVER be able to express how much I love them and how much I appreciate them for everything that they do for my son and for us. When I do say "thank you," my FIL says, "For what?"
I get that he's still here, we still get to enjoy his sarcastic company, but it is really, really hard to see this man this way. Sometimes, I just cry. I let it out because no amount of wine, no amount of miles that I run helps with this bullshit and he's only my FIL. I can't even imagine what Matt thinks on a daily basis, let alone my MIL & FIL or my SIL.
If any of you need gift ideas for me for Christmas...a magic wand or fairy dust to make this fucking shit disappear. All I want for Christmas is for cancer to take a fucking hike and take all these other bullshit diseases with, so fucking annoying.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Signs
I am all about signs. What I mean by that is, whether it's an object that crosses your path that reminds you to do something, or seeing something or someone that is reminder of someone or something else. Does that make sense? When Matt and I were trying get pregnant w/ little Dominic, that's all I saw were pregnant bellies everywhere. When I purchased my 1st "big girl" car, that's all I saw on the road....Chevy Equinox's! Or for others, it's like butterflies, other objects that confirm someone or something is watching over them...those kinda signs.
Other signs...signs from God. Yes. I am back on this again. I don't know what my freaking hang up is with just going to church. For me, in all honesty, I don't feel that it's neccessary to go to church to have faith, BUT I want to go. I want to feel the way I did when I went with my grandmother. I'm scared, there's no hiding that. I'm an adult and know I won't get bullied but I also don't want to look dumb either and that is a serious fear on my end. I don't want to be the new kid in Bible study and people eyeing me and thinking..."she doesn't know that Psalm?" I know, it's so stupid, but it's true. I feel like I should know the basics and I've been so out of touch I fear that most of it's forgotten. I just have to stop making excuses and just go. Just like running. I was always making excuses and now look at me.... a running machine :)
My point for today is this. Matt is usually the one who grabs the mail when he comes home. On my days off I try to get it but at times I don't get to it because I'm too busy in the house with Dominic and/or I forget. This past Friday, I was at the mailbox 3 times checking to see if my mailbox was full. Why? I have NO clue! It's not like I had a package or a letter that I'd been waiting for! I even thought it was wierd. Why the heck are you going out there?! Before I go into what I received........
I expected with the new full school year Dominic would get the sniffles.... aaaaand shonuff' Dominic had them and then some!! He's fine now but for about a month he was doing nothing but coughing, sneezing... the freakin' works!! I'd been doing over-the-counter stuff for a while then it got worse. I ended up taking him to the peds office twice! He was finally put on an antibiotic and we were also given a nebulizer (breathing treatment machine).
So... onto my sign.....from God. The reason why, I think, I kept going to the mailbox because something was telling me to.
The company that we received the nebulizer from, sent a letter thanking me for choosing them and it went into the company's history. I won't type out the whole thing, but in a nutshell:
"Orsini is a Christ-centered healthcare organization that walks steadily on Faith and strives each day to carry out the healing mission of Jesus Christ. Our mission is very important to us, so we wanted to take this time to share it with you:
We are full service healthcare company that has dedicated our heart and soul to acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with all those who have entrusted us to care for their lives.
Personally, I believe in the power of prayer and that miracles are possible when you put your faith in the hands of Jesus Christ."
It was signed by the CEO and enclosed was a prayer request card for me to fill out and they would add the person's name to their daily prayer list to keep them in their prayers.
Sign.
And on the card, was this:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 4:6-7
If this isn't a sign... I don't know what is!! I will be filling out said card but I mean really?!!? I seriously almost started crying as I read the letter and the card. When we get junk mail sometimes just looking at the envelope is enough for me to know it's crap in there and I toss into the recycling bin. I didn't this time and I'm glad...
Other signs...signs from God. Yes. I am back on this again. I don't know what my freaking hang up is with just going to church. For me, in all honesty, I don't feel that it's neccessary to go to church to have faith, BUT I want to go. I want to feel the way I did when I went with my grandmother. I'm scared, there's no hiding that. I'm an adult and know I won't get bullied but I also don't want to look dumb either and that is a serious fear on my end. I don't want to be the new kid in Bible study and people eyeing me and thinking..."she doesn't know that Psalm?" I know, it's so stupid, but it's true. I feel like I should know the basics and I've been so out of touch I fear that most of it's forgotten. I just have to stop making excuses and just go. Just like running. I was always making excuses and now look at me.... a running machine :)
My point for today is this. Matt is usually the one who grabs the mail when he comes home. On my days off I try to get it but at times I don't get to it because I'm too busy in the house with Dominic and/or I forget. This past Friday, I was at the mailbox 3 times checking to see if my mailbox was full. Why? I have NO clue! It's not like I had a package or a letter that I'd been waiting for! I even thought it was wierd. Why the heck are you going out there?! Before I go into what I received........
I expected with the new full school year Dominic would get the sniffles.... aaaaand shonuff' Dominic had them and then some!! He's fine now but for about a month he was doing nothing but coughing, sneezing... the freakin' works!! I'd been doing over-the-counter stuff for a while then it got worse. I ended up taking him to the peds office twice! He was finally put on an antibiotic and we were also given a nebulizer (breathing treatment machine).
So... onto my sign.....from God. The reason why, I think, I kept going to the mailbox because something was telling me to.
The company that we received the nebulizer from, sent a letter thanking me for choosing them and it went into the company's history. I won't type out the whole thing, but in a nutshell:
"Orsini is a Christ-centered healthcare organization that walks steadily on Faith and strives each day to carry out the healing mission of Jesus Christ. Our mission is very important to us, so we wanted to take this time to share it with you:
We are full service healthcare company that has dedicated our heart and soul to acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with all those who have entrusted us to care for their lives.
Personally, I believe in the power of prayer and that miracles are possible when you put your faith in the hands of Jesus Christ."
It was signed by the CEO and enclosed was a prayer request card for me to fill out and they would add the person's name to their daily prayer list to keep them in their prayers.
Sign.
And on the card, was this:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 4:6-7
If this isn't a sign... I don't know what is!! I will be filling out said card but I mean really?!!? I seriously almost started crying as I read the letter and the card. When we get junk mail sometimes just looking at the envelope is enough for me to know it's crap in there and I toss into the recycling bin. I didn't this time and I'm glad...
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Dear Cancer, I hate your life......
Today is my FIL's birthday.
Dominic and I called him this morning to wish him a happy birfday. Since the flood gates of my son's mouth have opened ALOT since my last post about him, it's actually FUN talking to him on the phone. In Dominic's way he said happy birthday to his papa this morning! I have a phone earpiece that looks like headphones so I put one ear bud in my ear and the other in Dominic's and the laughter I heard from my FIL brought me to tears this morning.
Yesterday was his 2nd chemo session. A few days before that he'd been having "good" days, meaning he didn't need to take any pain meds. Of course he's feeling great 2 days before his chemo session, just to do it all over again. Of course.
We're all frustrated that this time around chemo isn't really relieving his pain, he's constantely popping pain pills, yet still drives all the way out here with my MIL to watch Dominic 2-3 times a week! I feel awful that my MIL has to do everything and watch Dominic too because my FIL is too weak or too tired or in too much pain to play with his grandson. Still, he tries though, he'll take Dominic outside when he can but I know it's hard and it breaks my fucking heart....
Two posts ago I told myself that I wouldn't let cancer bring me down anymore, I told myself that I will take full advantage of the fact that my FIL is still here and fighting, I told myself that I wouldn't let cancer win by my negativity. Today, I lose....
I was overwhelmed with it this week, so much that I stress ate like a heffer, actually I have been all week. Last night when I talked to my FIL about his session he told me that he had vented his frustrations to the oncology nurse, Patty (LOVE HER). She told FIL that they are following the treatment plan that worked last time. FIL stated that this time feels different in that there is more pain and alot less energy. Patty says it will take time and after a few more sessions and a CT scan, if it's not working, they'll go another route with a different type of chemo. Great.
Today, I worked on a patient who was recentely diagnosed with leukemia (I refuse to capitalize that fucking "el" letter). I tried to be "cool" like I am with all the patients I work on, but I didn't and for whatever reason, I couldn't. I felt like an asshole. I went to clean some stuff and teared up. Flashes of Donnie's face came to my mind, flashes of my FIL sitting there while being pumped with poison came to my mind. I had to shake it off, I can't let the patient or anyone here see me cry was my thought. All I wanted to do when I walked her out to her mom was give both a huge fucking hug. I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry. It was FINALLY time to go home and hang with my boys. Relax. Dinner. Couch. Bed. Or so I thought.....
Everyday I check Dominic's backpack for new art, newsletters, notes from his teacher or speech therapist. I open his folder and there's an "official" looking letter. It starts.... "It is with great sadness...." A teacher at the school had passed away. The letter stated that she was diagnosed with cancer before school started. OF COURSE SHE DID! Cancer is like the new fucking cold isn't it?!?!? Everyone fucking has it don't they!!??! WHAT. THE. FUCK. This explained why every teacher at the school drop off was sobbing as they came and got the kids yesterday morning.
I am so exhausted and tired of this shit. I really and truly am. SOOOO fucking done. DONE. For someone stress eating this whole fucking week....I lost my appetite while trying to eat dinner and reading this letter from school. I read it 3 times. I thought of my patient today. I thought of Donnie, I thought of my FIL. I was beyond overwhelmed with sadness that I buried my face into my hands and cried. Thank God Matt was upstairs with Dominic giving him a bath. I didn't want either of them to see me cry. I didn't want to upset either of them.
I guess everyone is entitled to a "pity party" day huh? This week sucked. Today...sucked. I feel drained. Tomorrow is new. I tell you today cancer, you win, you sucked all emotion from me. Tomorrow I tell you exactly what that picture says above. Fuck you.
Dominic and I called him this morning to wish him a happy birfday. Since the flood gates of my son's mouth have opened ALOT since my last post about him, it's actually FUN talking to him on the phone. In Dominic's way he said happy birthday to his papa this morning! I have a phone earpiece that looks like headphones so I put one ear bud in my ear and the other in Dominic's and the laughter I heard from my FIL brought me to tears this morning.
Yesterday was his 2nd chemo session. A few days before that he'd been having "good" days, meaning he didn't need to take any pain meds. Of course he's feeling great 2 days before his chemo session, just to do it all over again. Of course.
We're all frustrated that this time around chemo isn't really relieving his pain, he's constantely popping pain pills, yet still drives all the way out here with my MIL to watch Dominic 2-3 times a week! I feel awful that my MIL has to do everything and watch Dominic too because my FIL is too weak or too tired or in too much pain to play with his grandson. Still, he tries though, he'll take Dominic outside when he can but I know it's hard and it breaks my fucking heart....
Two posts ago I told myself that I wouldn't let cancer bring me down anymore, I told myself that I will take full advantage of the fact that my FIL is still here and fighting, I told myself that I wouldn't let cancer win by my negativity. Today, I lose....
Today, I worked on a patient who was recentely diagnosed with leukemia (I refuse to capitalize that fucking "el" letter). I tried to be "cool" like I am with all the patients I work on, but I didn't and for whatever reason, I couldn't. I felt like an asshole. I went to clean some stuff and teared up. Flashes of Donnie's face came to my mind, flashes of my FIL sitting there while being pumped with poison came to my mind. I had to shake it off, I can't let the patient or anyone here see me cry was my thought. All I wanted to do when I walked her out to her mom was give both a huge fucking hug. I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry. It was FINALLY time to go home and hang with my boys. Relax. Dinner. Couch. Bed. Or so I thought.....
Everyday I check Dominic's backpack for new art, newsletters, notes from his teacher or speech therapist. I open his folder and there's an "official" looking letter. It starts.... "It is with great sadness...." A teacher at the school had passed away. The letter stated that she was diagnosed with cancer before school started. OF COURSE SHE DID! Cancer is like the new fucking cold isn't it?!?!? Everyone fucking has it don't they!!??! WHAT. THE. FUCK. This explained why every teacher at the school drop off was sobbing as they came and got the kids yesterday morning.
I am so exhausted and tired of this shit. I really and truly am. SOOOO fucking done. DONE. For someone stress eating this whole fucking week....I lost my appetite while trying to eat dinner and reading this letter from school. I read it 3 times. I thought of my patient today. I thought of Donnie, I thought of my FIL. I was beyond overwhelmed with sadness that I buried my face into my hands and cried. Thank God Matt was upstairs with Dominic giving him a bath. I didn't want either of them to see me cry. I didn't want to upset either of them.
I guess everyone is entitled to a "pity party" day huh? This week sucked. Today...sucked. I feel drained. Tomorrow is new. I tell you today cancer, you win, you sucked all emotion from me. Tomorrow I tell you exactly what that picture says above. Fuck you.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Titanium
David Guetta feat. Sia
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I listen to music, I listen to the words. I try and figure out what it means. I try to relate to it. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but at the same time I know there are people out there who just listen to listen, not for meaning.
The above song is paired with a "shake your ass" kind of rhythym in which I do shake my ass and run to. With this said, as I run and Sia is screaming "I am titaniuuuuuuumm", I'm like hell yeah, I'm gonna run my ass off. It wasn't until a 13 year old girl on The X Factor toned the song down and sung it slowly and VERY well I might add, that it caught my attention differentely. The lyrics spoke to me and I started crying. One because she sung it well and two....well because this is how I feel with EVERYTHING right now. EVERYTHING.
Jessica said to me, "It looks like you have to be the rock..." that's me. I am titanium. Every time that cancer sneaks out of someone's mouth, everytime my FIL tells me he feels loopy and "mushy" from his pain meds, everytime I see stress in my husband, MIL and SIL, everytime I talk about how much I hate my FIL's oncologist, everytime my MIL tells me that all my FIL was sleep all day because of his meds, everytime I see that my FIL can't play with Dominic like he wants to because he's in pain, everytime, everytime, everytime I see the pain that my FIL is going through I can't show my vulnerability, I have to be the rock. I have to be titanium. On my runs now I do still hold onto what Jess told me to do. Leave it in God's hands. In all honesty, talking to Him has helped a great deal. I was talking to my friend Jo on our walk and epiphanied (yes, that's a word in my happy land) that maybe before I dive into church with both feet, I should go alone, get my feet wet a little, get used to it all again. I'm hoping along with just talking to him this way, going to church again will actually make me feel better.
I'd be lying if I said that I didn't care what people think of me, we all care in some way. I have often thought, are people thinking why am I making, not a big deal, but making this about me? Does that make sense? It's stupid. I know, but I wonder do people think, "it's just her FIL" or why am I so upset? UGG.. see... see what this shit does to me?! Cancer gets me so fucked up upset that I start over thinking EVERYTHING. Then my rational side is like, "shut up dude, this IS your family, this is your SON'S grandfather, your husbands father, of course this has to do with you too!"
The other night, out of fucking nowhere, Matt says, "I don't think the chemo is working. He's in too much pain. I think this is it for him." Now....what the FUCK do I say to THAT?! I was taken aback because my husband is a fighter. He does NOT give up... he just doesn't. It's not his nature. So this statement, I saw, as my husband kinda throwing in the towel. I hugged him and said, "You can't think that way Matt. You can't." That was it. How do I respond to that?!?!? And as always, my wonderful BFFAE texts me asking how FIL is and I text back, "like shit." I proceed to tell her what Matt says and she advised that I tell him that if that is the way he truly feels then to enjoy each day until the end. A few weeks before the gauntlet fell and we didn't know the plan yet, my MIL was looking at a family photo we took last year in the fall. She asked me if we were going to do that again because the colors were so nice and she enjoyed it. I said no because it was just done last year. Now that all of this stupid crap is happening I find myself trying to get my family together to do it again....I shouldn't have said no huh??
I also need/want to take this opportunity to apologize. I apologize, from the bottom of my heart for sucking as a friend lately. I know I don't have to explain myself to anyone, BUT I feel awful as a friend, as a daughter, as a cousin, as a sister that I haven't called, texted, emailed. I'm one person and can't be and do everything. I'm not trying to sound like an asshole when I said the last sentence and I'm not saying that you guys aren't busy with your lives, but I am putting my all into my in laws right now and right now that is all that matters to me. I know you guys understand, but please just be patient with my current level of suckiness as a friend, as a daughter, as a cousin, as a sister. I'm trying my darndest to shoot a quick text, to try and make a call, make plans or even an email but by the end of the day I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep for 10 hours. You guys know I love you. You guys know I care. Just bear with me please.....
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Reasons.......
Reason. Noun.
-A basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event...
-A statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.
- The mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences.
- Sound judgment; good sense.
- Normal or sound powers of mind; sanity.
I believe, for me, my life, personally that everything happens for a reason. I may not like these things that happen, but they do. With that said I do have 2 little hang-ups on things happening for a reason.
First hang up.....
Bosco. Matt had him since he was a little pup. He was 4 years old when we put him down. He was THE greatest dog. There are a million reasons why he was the best dog. This dog helped my mom overcome her fear of dogs. I could go on and on about this Boxer. When we put Bosco down and people tried to make us feel better by telling us that when they put their dog of 13 plus years down, I truly wanted to punch them. It sucks putting a dog/pet down at any age, but really? You're trying to make me feel better about putting down my FOUR year old pup when you got to enjoy yours for that long? Yeah. NO. I may never know why we had to let Bosco go so soon, but I know that it happened for a reason.
Second hang up(s).....
I feel like my blog entries are a jumbled mess, so I do apologize for jumping around. I promise I do have a point and the point I'm trying to get to comes down to religion today.
I'll get to the second "hang ups" in a bit, but 1st I need to express that I do believe in God, I believe that my life has been laid out for me, that there is a plan. I believe that He does look out for me and listens when I need Him to. BUT...someway, somehow, I lost my way. I lost my faith, I lost interest, I just got lost. It wasn't when Donnie was diagnosed, that actually just made things worse. It all happened when my maternal grandmother passed away. She was my teacher in religion. We went to a Korean Catholic Church and the priest? Pastor? See how sad that is? I don't even know the title to the person running the joint cuz I'm so out of touch. ANYWAY. He was very Korean and very old, couldn't understand him at times and grandma would translate. She would also pinch the fuck out of my arm when I fell asleep :) After church when all the other kids would hang out and play, the little shits would pick on me and make fun of me so I took off and just hung out with old ladies :) Yes. I got picked on at church. Stupid kids. I'm kinda glad though. I loved spending time with my grandma. When my grandmother passed away I didn't want to go to church anymore. What was the point. The ONLY friend I had at church was now gone. We still went but as soon as I was old enough to say I was done, I stopped going. That's when I got lost.
When people were going through rough times, asked me to "pray" for them, I realize now that I never spoke to God, I always talked to my grandma for guidance. I felt like she helped me, I felt like she listened to me. I went through all the "motions" of being a Catholic, observing Lent and all that jazz, but did it for her, not me and for years I was ok with that. A friend asked me one night at dinner why I observe Lent and I was speechless. Why am I doing this? I don't go to church, I don't know my way around a bible, I'm scared to go back to church, I don't think I want to be Catholic anymore, I'm so screwed up confused. I want a relationship with God, I do... I just don't know how. I want to take Dominic to church, I want to instill values of religion to him, I want him to know enough to make an educated decision on all of this when he can choose for himself. I don't want to be the idiot mom who can't answer religion questions when her kids ask.
I've said before in previous posts that when Donnie was diagnosed I got angry. I took it out on God. Why would he do this to a 16 month old baby? Why? He hasn't even begun to live his life... give it to me (this was before Dominic). My "lost" status on religion and God spiraled out of control and got worse. I was pissed off. I needed a scapegoat. God was my scapegoat. It was my wonderful SIL that snapped me out of that shit and said to me, "God didn't do this to Donnie, you can't be mad at Him. You have to ask Him to help Donnie and his family. Don't be mad at God." As mad as I was in that moment, she was right. I still can't figure out what the reason is for this but maybe I never will. Jess said to me when we were going through all of this with my FIL initially, "Maybe the reason why Don got sick was so that I could help you and Matt with your FIL...."
I'm sorry Jess. I told you I would email you back and I lied. This was my intention all along, don't be mad. You were today's inspiration and yesterday's.
This is what I got from Jessica yesterday morning....
Good morning,
You know how much adore you, right? Well I do, I love you like a fat kid loves cake, I love you like I love my right arm, without you life would be difficult. You are an amazing person inside and out. You take care of everyone, you worry about everyone. I love that you take care of yourself by running a lot of people can't find time for themselves and I think that's important. There is a reason for this email, not just to tell you how much I love you although, yes I needed you to know that.
Here it is, I don't know how much you talk to God. While you run, that would be a good time. I'm not saying go to church, I'm not saying read the bible. I'm saying just talk, talk in the shower, talk while your going to sleep, when you wake up, while on the pot, and while running. Angie he will listen, you will feel so much better. I was brought up in the Catholic church, I went to Catholic school, we went to church every Sunday...then we stopped. Until Donnie got sick. One day, I was at a really low point, I was feeling sad, I was mad, and you know what...there was nothing I could have done about it. If there was anyone who could do something it was God, he was going to lead us to the right doctors, to the right people and he did. I want you to put all your fears, your worries, on God and you will feel so much better. I love you and want you to be taken care of. You need to see the brightside of things, you need to feel like someone is listening and He will and He is.
Ok I'm done.
Love you,
I did EXACTLY what she suggested I do. I got home from work, ran and chit chatted with God. At 1st I was like, how the heck am I supposed to do this while I'm trying to run and breathe...then it all just fell into place. I was running and talking to what seemed like myself, but I didn't care. I was focused on the convo and didn't care what else was around me. Humans naturally want instant gratification in pretty much anything we do so I mentally prepped myself before I started dialing that phone. I said to myself, I said, "Self, you may not get a phone call back soooo just talk and see what happens..."
Here is where my "everything happens for a reason" comes into play, because for me...it does. I know this now. Matt and I were watching "The Voice" (LOVE IT) tonight. A teenaged girl was showcased. The family of 6 plus people live in Cali in a 2 bedroom apartment. She sleeps on the couch and her brothers sleep on the floor. Instantly, you feel for her and some would cry for her. You know what she said? "Other people have it a lot worse than me, so I'm thankful we have a roof over our heads...." That's when I had the *palm to forehead* moment. It worked. Jess was right.
I have to stop giving cancer the satisfaction of my negativity. I have to take that energy and throw it into my family. I have to take the time we have with my FIL and enjoy it to the fullest extent allowed. Don't get it twisted, I still think cancer sucks and is a piece of shit and pissed off at it. I'm not going to skip around and pretend to be "happy go lucky" while my FIL endures round 2 of chemo and is in pain. BUT I realize now that none of this is up to me, none of this is in my control and I'm getting angry at things I cannot control.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present."
Jessica, I love you. Thank you for snapping me out of this. First time I read it, I sobbed. Second time, I sobbed again. I have read it about 10 times since yesterday and feel empowered. Thank you for always listening, never judging and never sugar coating. Who needs who now? ;)
Sunday, September 30, 2012
I run because....
My thoughts today are a compilation of 2 things that will intertwine.
1. My love/respect for running
2. My FIL
They'll make sense, at least in my head it does....let's start w/ running.
Do you remember my post from last year? The one where I said that I wanted a 26.2 sticker on my bumper? Well, I am now the proud owner of a 13.1 sticker!! The girl who gave up on running and herself several times is now official and I LOVE it. I have a whole new respect for runners and a whole new outlook on my body. My body is doing things that I never thought it was capable of doing. I'M doing things that I never thought I was capable of doing. When people told me they ran for the mental aspect and NOT physical, I didn't get it to be honest. Now....I do.....
This is Marybeth. We ran the Rock n' Roll Chicago 1/2 marathon together, well not together-together, but...you know what I mean. She's taught me a lot about running and a whole lot about myself. Marybeth slapped this on my FaceBook wall the day before our 1/2 marathon along with other mantra's that totally helped me that morning. Thanks friend, I love you!! :)
Next to giving birth to my son, running the 1/2 was THE hardest thing that I'd ever done. If you told me 3 years ago that I'd be running 13.1 miles, I would have laughed in your face and said, "prooooobably not..." Lesson here: NEVER say NEVER. I finished it in a little over 3 hours. I truly didn't give a crap about the time. I just wanted to cross that finish line, that was the only goal. I was so fucking proud of myself you have NO idea.
Aaaaaand this is THE BEST little running group EVER! We're the "Resolution Runners." We are made up of runners and walkers. Anyone can join ;) and I love the shit out of them. We do 1-2 5k's a month, if not more. They keep me going. They keep me motivated and they're fucking awesome. Running for me is therapy. I may not hit my goal in distance every time I get out there, but it clears my head. It keeps me sane and trust me...you want me sane.
Now, let's touch on my FIL. When he was going through all that pain before the diagnosis I ran to release my thoughts into the world. I didn't want them in my head anymore & it helped. At the time I was running on the treadmill and I ran for him, as silly as it sounds, I did. When my shin pain started up I was like (in my head), "Dude, dad's back is killing him & you complain of shin pain?!" I still have the pic on my phone of how many miles I clocked that night. 4.3 miles. I did it to push myself but it was my "punching bag" too. Like I said, I ran to release some of that negative energy into the world. Running is also so much cheaper then going to my therapist! :) Can you imagine the bill?!!?
I have a VERY addictive personality. I'd say that I am addicted to running. I promised Matt that I would rest one full week after the 1/2 marathon and all I wanted to do that week was run!!! :) My other addiction....SUGAR!! Ask any bag of Skittles, Starburst... just candy in general. Once I tear into the stash of candy at work, I'm done. I can't just have one piece, I can polish off a bag of Skittles in seconds. There are days at work that I'll walk back and forth to the lab to stuff my face full of that glorious sugar. Another addiction, well not really an addiction is wine. I disliked the stuff before, some were too sour and just gross. My point here is that I run so I don't sit on my ass and pound 2 glasses of wine or polish off a bag of Tootsie Roll Pops to release the "stress" of all this. Addictive personality, stress eater, add all that up and it's a no good situation. I'm also a cheap date, one drink and I'm lit. The day after my FIL's official diagnosis, Matt, Dominic and I went to dinner and I had a VERY strong margarita, 2 actually now that I think about it. I understood that night why people drink their problems away because in that short time that I had consumed those margarita's and was tipsy, the cancer was a non issue all of a sudden, we'd get through this as a family. It was no biggie, nothing to stress about and that wasn't ok w/ me. I'm not trying to say I'm a drunk but now I see why people turn to the bottle to numb their pain.
I failed to mention that after his CT scan, the doc ordered an MRI & a bone scan. Yay for more tests!!! :/ He received the results last Wednesday and he starts chemo Tuesday.... again. And again, if you are close to me and are finding all this shit out through my blog, I truly do apologize. It's just so much harder to talk about because it's really real now. Not that his cancer and chemo and radiation treatments weren't real before, but this shit is back, not fucking around. The tumor grew enough to cause more pain. That's the whole point in my fucking freaking out mentally. It's back. There isn't a fucking week that goes by that Matt doesn't come home and tell me that someone at work just lost their loved one because their cancer came back. Like what the fuck!! Notice when I was talking about running I only dropped the F bomb once? I hate cancer. I may talk alot of shit but if cancer was a tangible being, I'd beat the living snot out of it.
We had dinner w/ my in laws on Thursday. On the way home Matt says to me in the car, "Remember that guy I told you about whose wife's cancer came back? She passed away this morning." I said, "Of course she did!!!!!" :( She left behind, not only her husband but their two sons, 8 and 6 years old. Again. WHAT THE FUCK. Really? So we're those people now & can hear the convo's already.... "Have you talked to Matt? His dad's tumor grew. He's back to chemo." That's us. Again.
I asked Matt how my FIL was on Wednesday, he said teary eyed & so was my MIL. When I spoke to my FIL that evening, I asked how he was doing. "This is why I wanted to wait until the end of October because I was scared. What are you gonna do though, I have to do it again, that's all. Don't worry about it Ang, ok?" Not many things phase my FIL, so when he tells me he's scared, that's when I was scared too. I wanted to crawl in a hole for several reasons but mainly because I did feel bad being "pushy" to make him go. Matt was the one who ended up calling the nurse but I needed to make sure someone did push him to go early. He only needs chemo once every 3 weeks as of now. Who's to say that it wouldn't have been more had he waited til the end of October?
Matt is stressed the fuck out at work, he can't sleep, can hardly keep his eyes open at 8pm, when he does sleep it's only for a few hours which leads to his migraines...repeat that shit every fucking day & you have my poor husband right now. I feel utterly helpless when it comes to my husband, SIL and MIL. I feel awful that we have to go through this, I feel awful that my FIL has to do this again. I feel awful that I put my parents on the back burner at times because I'm so focused on my in laws. They totally understand why I don't call as much or don't do as much with them, but I still feel like I'm doing a shit job as their daughter.
I know that I have to be "the rock" right now which is fine, it's a job that I know I can do but I started freaking out about work and who's going to take care of D? Do I have to quit? Do I have to cut my hours again? I'm in a new position at work that I really can't take off that easily anymore. Who's gonna get Dominic off the bus? Who's gonna feed him lunch? Matt can't take days off to stay home, he needs to be with dad if he can. All of this was playing in my head before we found out he needs more chemo. I work for people that completely understand the situation & have always worked with me so I wasn't too worried but Dominic was still on my head. My in laws are his main caregivers, so now what? With that part said, I live in THE best fucking 'hood. EVER ;) Our neighbors have stepped up and helped us out SO much last week! Everything from getting D off the bus, lunch and just hangin' out with him. Obviously, family will always be #1 for me & if worse comes to worse and I have to stay home one day so be it, but reality is....I have bills to pay too.
If you're still with me and reading this. Thank you. It means alot that you take the time to read it. I'm not the most positive person sometimes, but let's face it, NOTHING about cancer is positive. NOTHING. I wish I could be the "glass 1/2 full" person, but that's not me, especially with this. I'm a pessimist by nature and I would love, love, love NOT to be but the reality of all of this is that my FIL has to do it all over again. Yes, I know he is still here, don't think for a second that I take that for granted BUT because of where the tumor is, because of what we're dealing with, it's hard to stay as positive as I'd like. He will never know the phrase "cancer free" and this isn't me being a pessimist, this is a fact. No doctor in their right mind will ever touch my FIL's tumor. When I say it's on his spine, let me remind you that it's not just on his spine...that piece of shit is wrapped around his spine and a fucking artery no less.
This is why I run. I run because I don't want to pay therapy bills anymore. I run because I want to improve my 5k time. I run for exercise. I run because it keeps me sane. I run to release all of this bullshit into the world so it isn't stuck in my head on repeat.
When Matt comes home and I see the stress in his face, I wish there was something more I could do than just a hug him or kiss him and tell him everything will be ok. I wish I can put him in a room full of pricey china w/ a very heavy bat. I wish he would run with me....
So, on those stressed out days, I say hi then I leave the room to go do whatever and then out of nowhere I hear Dominic's uncontrollable laughter because Matt is going to town on his ribs ;) Isn't it amazing what the sound of a child's laugh can do for your soul? There are afternoons that I will be upstairs doing something and hear Dominic and Matt laughing away and I will stop, sit on the stairs and just listen & absorb it. Matt loves being with Dominic, Matt loves making him laugh, Matt needs Dominic ...we all do. Dominic is everyone's break from this. It amazes me that a 3 and 1/2 year old holds this kind of power and he doesn't even fucking know it. I've been keeping a journal (which I'm SO fucking behind on) since the day I found out I was pregnant with D & when shit hit the fan with FIL's cancer, I debated..."Do I write it all down? Do I tell D everything? Even the bad stuff?" I have to. I have to be honest so that when he does read these he'll understand how much his "pa" loves him, how much his "pa" needs him......
1. My love/respect for running
2. My FIL
They'll make sense, at least in my head it does....let's start w/ running.
Do you remember my post from last year? The one where I said that I wanted a 26.2 sticker on my bumper? Well, I am now the proud owner of a 13.1 sticker!! The girl who gave up on running and herself several times is now official and I LOVE it. I have a whole new respect for runners and a whole new outlook on my body. My body is doing things that I never thought it was capable of doing. I'M doing things that I never thought I was capable of doing. When people told me they ran for the mental aspect and NOT physical, I didn't get it to be honest. Now....I do.....
This is the reason I started running, my cousin Eric. Cute isn't he? He's single. Sorry Eric ;) He flew in from Cali for my cousin Jen's wedding 2 years ago. Matt went to get him from O'Hare & when Eric walked through the door I got the shock of my life!! I was able to wrap my arms around my cousin. He had lost a person in weight!!! 150lbs....GONE!!! I couldn't believe he hadn't said anything or posted any photos on FaceBook!! You poop! As we talked about how he had started to lose the weight, he said that he just went out and ran one day and has been ever since, he also dabbles in triathlons. I was SO fucking proud of him & still am!! That's when my wheels started turning. "If Eric can do this...so can I!" I always envied runners, I wanted to be a runner. He was my inspiration and continues to be. Thank you Eric, I love you.
I know I've posted this picture before....this was my very 1st 5k w/ wifey Jen! :) She made me sign up ;) and I'm so glad she did. It was exhilarating to cross that finish line and it was also a great kick start to my running "career." Thanks for making me sign up wife, it was the best thing for me! I've been running ever since!! I love you.
This is Marybeth. We ran the Rock n' Roll Chicago 1/2 marathon together, well not together-together, but...you know what I mean. She's taught me a lot about running and a whole lot about myself. Marybeth slapped this on my FaceBook wall the day before our 1/2 marathon along with other mantra's that totally helped me that morning. Thanks friend, I love you!! :)
An excerpt from an article by John Bingham called, "No Need For Speed"
"...I AM A RUNNER because I know what effort feels like, and I embrace it. I know when I'm pushing the limits of my comfort and why I'm doing it. I know that heavy breathing and an accelerated heart rate - things I once avoided - are necessary if I want to be a better runner.
I AM A RUNNER because I value and respect my body. It will whisper to me when I've done too much. And if I choose to listen to that whisper, my body won't have to scream in pain later on.
I AM A RUNNER because I am willing to lay it all on the line. I know that every finish line has the potential to lift my spirits to new highs or devastate me, yet I line up anyway.
I AM A RUNNER because I know that despite my best efforts, I will always want more from myself. I will always want to know my limits so that I can exceed them.
I AM A RUNNER because I run. Not because I run fast. Not because I run far.
I AM A RUNNER because I say I am. And no one can tell me I'm not."
"...I AM A RUNNER because I know what effort feels like, and I embrace it. I know when I'm pushing the limits of my comfort and why I'm doing it. I know that heavy breathing and an accelerated heart rate - things I once avoided - are necessary if I want to be a better runner.
I AM A RUNNER because I value and respect my body. It will whisper to me when I've done too much. And if I choose to listen to that whisper, my body won't have to scream in pain later on.
I AM A RUNNER because I am willing to lay it all on the line. I know that every finish line has the potential to lift my spirits to new highs or devastate me, yet I line up anyway.
I AM A RUNNER because I know that despite my best efforts, I will always want more from myself. I will always want to know my limits so that I can exceed them.
I AM A RUNNER because I run. Not because I run fast. Not because I run far.
I AM A RUNNER because I say I am. And no one can tell me I'm not."
Now, let's touch on my FIL. When he was going through all that pain before the diagnosis I ran to release my thoughts into the world. I didn't want them in my head anymore & it helped. At the time I was running on the treadmill and I ran for him, as silly as it sounds, I did. When my shin pain started up I was like (in my head), "Dude, dad's back is killing him & you complain of shin pain?!" I still have the pic on my phone of how many miles I clocked that night. 4.3 miles. I did it to push myself but it was my "punching bag" too. Like I said, I ran to release some of that negative energy into the world. Running is also so much cheaper then going to my therapist! :) Can you imagine the bill?!!?
I have a VERY addictive personality. I'd say that I am addicted to running. I promised Matt that I would rest one full week after the 1/2 marathon and all I wanted to do that week was run!!! :) My other addiction....SUGAR!! Ask any bag of Skittles, Starburst... just candy in general. Once I tear into the stash of candy at work, I'm done. I can't just have one piece, I can polish off a bag of Skittles in seconds. There are days at work that I'll walk back and forth to the lab to stuff my face full of that glorious sugar. Another addiction, well not really an addiction is wine. I disliked the stuff before, some were too sour and just gross. My point here is that I run so I don't sit on my ass and pound 2 glasses of wine or polish off a bag of Tootsie Roll Pops to release the "stress" of all this. Addictive personality, stress eater, add all that up and it's a no good situation. I'm also a cheap date, one drink and I'm lit. The day after my FIL's official diagnosis, Matt, Dominic and I went to dinner and I had a VERY strong margarita, 2 actually now that I think about it. I understood that night why people drink their problems away because in that short time that I had consumed those margarita's and was tipsy, the cancer was a non issue all of a sudden, we'd get through this as a family. It was no biggie, nothing to stress about and that wasn't ok w/ me. I'm not trying to say I'm a drunk but now I see why people turn to the bottle to numb their pain.
I failed to mention that after his CT scan, the doc ordered an MRI & a bone scan. Yay for more tests!!! :/ He received the results last Wednesday and he starts chemo Tuesday.... again. And again, if you are close to me and are finding all this shit out through my blog, I truly do apologize. It's just so much harder to talk about because it's really real now. Not that his cancer and chemo and radiation treatments weren't real before, but this shit is back, not fucking around. The tumor grew enough to cause more pain. That's the whole point in my fucking freaking out mentally. It's back. There isn't a fucking week that goes by that Matt doesn't come home and tell me that someone at work just lost their loved one because their cancer came back. Like what the fuck!! Notice when I was talking about running I only dropped the F bomb once? I hate cancer. I may talk alot of shit but if cancer was a tangible being, I'd beat the living snot out of it.
We had dinner w/ my in laws on Thursday. On the way home Matt says to me in the car, "Remember that guy I told you about whose wife's cancer came back? She passed away this morning." I said, "Of course she did!!!!!" :( She left behind, not only her husband but their two sons, 8 and 6 years old. Again. WHAT THE FUCK. Really? So we're those people now & can hear the convo's already.... "Have you talked to Matt? His dad's tumor grew. He's back to chemo." That's us. Again.
I asked Matt how my FIL was on Wednesday, he said teary eyed & so was my MIL. When I spoke to my FIL that evening, I asked how he was doing. "This is why I wanted to wait until the end of October because I was scared. What are you gonna do though, I have to do it again, that's all. Don't worry about it Ang, ok?" Not many things phase my FIL, so when he tells me he's scared, that's when I was scared too. I wanted to crawl in a hole for several reasons but mainly because I did feel bad being "pushy" to make him go. Matt was the one who ended up calling the nurse but I needed to make sure someone did push him to go early. He only needs chemo once every 3 weeks as of now. Who's to say that it wouldn't have been more had he waited til the end of October?
Matt is stressed the fuck out at work, he can't sleep, can hardly keep his eyes open at 8pm, when he does sleep it's only for a few hours which leads to his migraines...repeat that shit every fucking day & you have my poor husband right now. I feel utterly helpless when it comes to my husband, SIL and MIL. I feel awful that we have to go through this, I feel awful that my FIL has to do this again. I feel awful that I put my parents on the back burner at times because I'm so focused on my in laws. They totally understand why I don't call as much or don't do as much with them, but I still feel like I'm doing a shit job as their daughter.
I know that I have to be "the rock" right now which is fine, it's a job that I know I can do but I started freaking out about work and who's going to take care of D? Do I have to quit? Do I have to cut my hours again? I'm in a new position at work that I really can't take off that easily anymore. Who's gonna get Dominic off the bus? Who's gonna feed him lunch? Matt can't take days off to stay home, he needs to be with dad if he can. All of this was playing in my head before we found out he needs more chemo. I work for people that completely understand the situation & have always worked with me so I wasn't too worried but Dominic was still on my head. My in laws are his main caregivers, so now what? With that part said, I live in THE best fucking 'hood. EVER ;) Our neighbors have stepped up and helped us out SO much last week! Everything from getting D off the bus, lunch and just hangin' out with him. Obviously, family will always be #1 for me & if worse comes to worse and I have to stay home one day so be it, but reality is....I have bills to pay too.
If you're still with me and reading this. Thank you. It means alot that you take the time to read it. I'm not the most positive person sometimes, but let's face it, NOTHING about cancer is positive. NOTHING. I wish I could be the "glass 1/2 full" person, but that's not me, especially with this. I'm a pessimist by nature and I would love, love, love NOT to be but the reality of all of this is that my FIL has to do it all over again. Yes, I know he is still here, don't think for a second that I take that for granted BUT because of where the tumor is, because of what we're dealing with, it's hard to stay as positive as I'd like. He will never know the phrase "cancer free" and this isn't me being a pessimist, this is a fact. No doctor in their right mind will ever touch my FIL's tumor. When I say it's on his spine, let me remind you that it's not just on his spine...that piece of shit is wrapped around his spine and a fucking artery no less.
This is why I run. I run because I don't want to pay therapy bills anymore. I run because I want to improve my 5k time. I run for exercise. I run because it keeps me sane. I run to release all of this bullshit into the world so it isn't stuck in my head on repeat.
While I have running to keep me sane. I often wonder... what does Matt have? I wish that Matt had a "release", something that he loves to do to keep his mind busy. Then it hit me. He does have a release....our son.
So, on those stressed out days, I say hi then I leave the room to go do whatever and then out of nowhere I hear Dominic's uncontrollable laughter because Matt is going to town on his ribs ;) Isn't it amazing what the sound of a child's laugh can do for your soul? There are afternoons that I will be upstairs doing something and hear Dominic and Matt laughing away and I will stop, sit on the stairs and just listen & absorb it. Matt loves being with Dominic, Matt loves making him laugh, Matt needs Dominic ...we all do. Dominic is everyone's break from this. It amazes me that a 3 and 1/2 year old holds this kind of power and he doesn't even fucking know it. I've been keeping a journal (which I'm SO fucking behind on) since the day I found out I was pregnant with D & when shit hit the fan with FIL's cancer, I debated..."Do I write it all down? Do I tell D everything? Even the bad stuff?" I have to. I have to be honest so that when he does read these he'll understand how much his "pa" loves him, how much his "pa" needs him......
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Thank God It's NOT Friday....
I hate Monday's. I love Wednesday's <---these are my "Friday's" :) Yep, I am spoiled with my hours at work. I ALWAYS have a 3-4 day weekend!
Never, ever in my life though did I NOT want it to be Friday. Today, I don't want it to be tomorrow. My FIL gets his PET scan results tomorrow at 1:30pm. Hence, the "Thank God It's NOT Friday..."
Pictures are to remember great memories right? Pictures are supposed to spark something in your memory bank and then you talk about said moment. Yeah...this picture makes me everything...it makes me angry, it upsets me, it makes me laugh & also makes me happy aaaaaaall at once. It is what it is right? THIS is how my son will remember his pa or will he? He's only 3 and 1/2. When was your earliest memory? Let's be real ok... really... if anything happens to my FIL right now, Dominic is only 3 and 1/2.
This picture just breaks every single millimeter of my heart. I remember my in laws coming over on this day. Right as I was getting ready to walk out the door for work, my FIL says, "I'm gonna ask Matthew to shave my head. My hair is starting to fall out." I wonder what my white/blank face looked like. Literally NO words came out of my mouth, I kissed everyone "bye" and I left. How the FUCK do you tell your husband who is already having a shit time with this that his father is going to ask him to shave his fucking head after work. HOW?! I got in the car, pulled over into the next block and sobbed. I had to warn Matt though, to mentally and emotionally prepare himself for the question. I was completely crushed and blindsided so you can only imagine how Matt would have felt.
As Matt was doing this, Dominic was having a ball. I'm glad he was there. He was making my FIL laugh the entire time. Meanwhile, I see my husband fighting back ALOT of emotions.
I don't want this for my family again, I don't. I still have NOT had the balls to bring it up to my MIL, I just can't. It's hard for ME to talk about it this time around, God only knows what she's feeling! I just can't. Not yet.
I don't want Friday. I don't. I don't want bad news. Yes, I know, stay positive, don't think that way. There is absolutely NOTHING positive about cancer. NOTHING. Matt used to talk about it all the time before. We have yet to have a full on conversation about my FIL. He's struggling. I know he is....
My FIL is scared, I know he is. He had the opportunity to get these results yesterday (Wednesday). I told him last week to make whatever appointment he needed as I had a backup for someone to watch Dominic this week. He told the nurse "no", Matt was pissed and that's an understatement. He told us that he told nurse Patty, "I have to watch my grandson...." He's in pain, he's anxious to know and NOT know at the same time and the only thing he's concerned about is his grandson.....
Never, ever in my life though did I NOT want it to be Friday. Today, I don't want it to be tomorrow. My FIL gets his PET scan results tomorrow at 1:30pm. Hence, the "Thank God It's NOT Friday..."
This picture just breaks every single millimeter of my heart. I remember my in laws coming over on this day. Right as I was getting ready to walk out the door for work, my FIL says, "I'm gonna ask Matthew to shave my head. My hair is starting to fall out." I wonder what my white/blank face looked like. Literally NO words came out of my mouth, I kissed everyone "bye" and I left. How the FUCK do you tell your husband who is already having a shit time with this that his father is going to ask him to shave his fucking head after work. HOW?! I got in the car, pulled over into the next block and sobbed. I had to warn Matt though, to mentally and emotionally prepare himself for the question. I was completely crushed and blindsided so you can only imagine how Matt would have felt.
As Matt was doing this, Dominic was having a ball. I'm glad he was there. He was making my FIL laugh the entire time. Meanwhile, I see my husband fighting back ALOT of emotions.
I don't want this for my family again, I don't. I still have NOT had the balls to bring it up to my MIL, I just can't. It's hard for ME to talk about it this time around, God only knows what she's feeling! I just can't. Not yet.
I don't want Friday. I don't. I don't want bad news. Yes, I know, stay positive, don't think that way. There is absolutely NOTHING positive about cancer. NOTHING. Matt used to talk about it all the time before. We have yet to have a full on conversation about my FIL. He's struggling. I know he is....
My FIL is scared, I know he is. He had the opportunity to get these results yesterday (Wednesday). I told him last week to make whatever appointment he needed as I had a backup for someone to watch Dominic this week. He told the nurse "no", Matt was pissed and that's an understatement. He told us that he told nurse Patty, "I have to watch my grandson...." He's in pain, he's anxious to know and NOT know at the same time and the only thing he's concerned about is his grandson.....
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