Signs

I am all about signs.  What I mean by that is, whether it's an object that crosses your path that reminds you to do something, or seeing something or someone that is reminder of someone or something else.  Does that make sense?  When Matt and I were trying get pregnant w/ little Dominic, that's all I saw were pregnant bellies everywhere.  When I purchased my 1st "big girl" car, that's all I saw on the road....Chevy Equinox's!  Or for others, it's like butterflies, other objects that confirm someone or something is watching over them...those kinda signs.

Other signs...signs from God.  Yes.  I am back on this again.  I don't know what my freaking hang up is with just going to church.  For me, in all honesty, I don't feel that it's neccessary to go to church to have faith, BUT I want to go.  I want to feel the way I did when I went with my grandmother.  I'm scared, there's no hiding that.  I'm an adult and know I won't get bullied but I also don't want to look dumb either and that is a serious fear on my end.  I don't want to be the new kid in Bible study and people eyeing me and thinking..."she doesn't know that Psalm?"  I know, it's so stupid, but it's true.  I feel like I should know the basics and I've been so out of touch I fear that most of it's forgotten.  I just have to stop making excuses and just go.  Just like running.  I was always making excuses and now look at me.... a running machine :)

My point for today is this.  Matt is usually the one who grabs the mail when he comes home.  On my days off I try to get it but at times I don't get to it because I'm too busy in the house with Dominic and/or I forget.  This past Friday, I was at the mailbox 3 times checking to see if my mailbox was full.  Why?  I have NO clue!  It's not like I had a package or a letter that I'd been waiting for!  I even thought it was wierd.  Why the heck are you going out there?!  Before I go into what I received........

I expected with the new full school year Dominic would get the sniffles.... aaaaand shonuff' Dominic had them and then some!!  He's fine now but for about a month he was doing nothing but coughing, sneezing... the freakin' works!!  I'd been doing over-the-counter stuff for a while then it got worse. I ended up taking him to the peds office twice!  He was finally put on an antibiotic and we were also given a nebulizer (breathing treatment machine). 

So... onto my sign.....from God.  The reason why, I think, I kept going to the mailbox because something was telling me to.


The company that we received the nebulizer from, sent a letter thanking me for choosing them and it went into the company's history.  I won't type out the whole thing, but in a nutshell:

"Orsini is a Christ-centered healthcare organization that walks steadily on Faith and strives each day to carry out the healing mission of Jesus Christ.  Our mission is very important to us, so we wanted to take this time to share it with you:

We are full service healthcare company that has dedicated our heart and soul to acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with all those who have entrusted us to care for their lives.

Personally, I believe in the power of prayer and that miracles are possible when you put your faith in the hands of Jesus Christ."

It was signed by the CEO and enclosed was a prayer request card for me to fill out and they would add the person's name to their daily prayer list to keep them in their prayers.

Sign.

And on the card, was this:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 4:6-7

If this isn't a sign... I don't know what is!!  I will be filling out said card but I mean really?!!?  I seriously almost started crying as I read the letter and the card.  When we get junk mail sometimes just looking at the envelope is enough for me to know it's crap in there and I toss into the recycling bin.  I didn't this time and I'm glad...

Dear Cancer, I hate your life......

Today is my FIL's birthday.

Dominic and I called him this morning to wish him a happy birfday.  Since the flood gates of my son's mouth have opened ALOT since my last post about him, it's actually FUN talking to him on the phone.  In Dominic's way he said happy birthday to his papa this morning!  I have a phone earpiece that looks like headphones so I put one ear bud in my ear and the other in Dominic's and the laughter I heard from my FIL brought me to tears this morning. 

Yesterday was his 2nd chemo session.  A few days before that he'd been having "good" days, meaning he didn't need to take any pain meds.  Of course he's feeling great 2 days before his chemo session, just to do it all over again.  Of course.

We're all frustrated that this time around chemo isn't really relieving his pain, he's constantely popping pain pills, yet still drives all the way out here with my MIL to watch Dominic 2-3 times a week!  I feel awful that my MIL has to do everything and watch Dominic too because my FIL is too weak or too tired or in too much pain to play with his grandson.  Still, he tries though, he'll take Dominic outside when he can but I know it's hard and it breaks my fucking heart....

Two posts ago I told myself that I wouldn't let cancer bring me down anymore, I told myself that I will take full advantage of the fact that my FIL is still here and fighting, I told myself that I wouldn't let cancer win by my negativity.  Today, I lose....

I was overwhelmed with it this week, so much that I stress ate like a heffer, actually I have been all week.  Last night when I talked to my FIL about his session he told me that he had vented his frustrations to the oncology nurse, Patty (LOVE HER).  She told FIL that they are following the treatment plan that worked last time.  FIL stated that this time feels different in that there is more pain and alot less energy.  Patty says it will take time and after a few more sessions and a CT scan, if it's not working, they'll go another route with a different type of chemo.  Great.

Today, I worked on a patient who was recentely diagnosed with leukemia (I refuse to capitalize that fucking "el" letter).  I tried to be "cool" like I am with all the patients I work on, but I didn't and for whatever reason, I couldn't.  I felt like an asshole.  I went to clean some stuff and teared up.  Flashes of Donnie's face came to my mind, flashes of my FIL sitting there while being pumped with poison came to my mind.  I had to shake it off, I can't let the patient or anyone here see me cry was my thought.  All I wanted to do when I walked her out to her mom was give both a huge fucking hug.  I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry.  It was FINALLY time to go home and hang with my boys.  Relax.  Dinner. Couch.  Bed.  Or so I thought.....

Everyday I check Dominic's backpack for new art, newsletters, notes from his teacher or speech therapist.  I open his folder and there's an "official" looking letter.  It starts.... "It is with great sadness...."  A teacher  at the school had passed away.  The letter stated that she was diagnosed with cancer before school started.  OF COURSE SHE DID!  Cancer is like the new fucking cold isn't it?!?!?  Everyone fucking has it don't they!!??!  WHAT. THE. FUCK.  This explained why every teacher at the school drop off was sobbing as they came and got the kids yesterday morning.

I am so exhausted and tired of this shit.  I really and truly am.  SOOOO fucking done. DONE.  For someone stress eating this whole fucking week....I lost my appetite while trying to eat dinner and reading this letter from school.  I read it 3 times.  I thought of my patient today.  I thought of Donnie, I thought of my FIL.  I was beyond overwhelmed with sadness that I buried my face into my hands and cried.  Thank God Matt was upstairs with Dominic giving him a bath.  I didn't want either of them to see me cry.  I didn't want to upset either of them. 

I guess everyone is entitled to a "pity party" day huh?  This week sucked.  Today...sucked.  I feel drained.  Tomorrow is new.  I tell you today cancer, you win, you sucked all emotion from me.  Tomorrow I tell you exactly what that picture says above.  Fuck you.

Titanium

You shout it loud, but I can't hear a word you say

I'm talking loud, not saying much

I'm criticized, but all your bullets ricochet

You shoot me down, but I get up
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim fire away, fire away

You shoot me down, but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down, but I won't fall

I am titanium
Cut me down, but it's you who'll have further to fall

Ghost town and haunted love

Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones

I'm talking loud, not saying much
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim fire away, fire away you shoot me down, but I won't fall

I am titanium you shoot me down, but I won't fall

I am titanium 

Stone hard, machine gun Fired at the ones who run

Stone hard, as bulletproof glass
You shoot me down, but I won't fall

I am titanium

David Guetta feat. Sia

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I listen to music, I listen to the words.  I try and figure out what it means.  I try to relate to it.  I'm sure I'm not the only one, but at the same time I know there are people out there who just listen to listen, not for meaning. 

The above song is paired with a "shake your ass" kind of rhythym in which I do shake my ass and run to.  With this said, as I run and Sia is screaming "I am titaniuuuuuuumm", I'm like hell yeah, I'm gonna run my ass off.  It wasn't until a 13 year old girl on The X Factor toned the song down and sung it slowly and VERY well I might add, that it caught my attention differentely.  The lyrics spoke to me and I started crying.  One because she sung it well and two....well because this is how I feel with EVERYTHING right now.  EVERYTHING. 

Jessica said to me, "It looks like you have to be the rock..." that's me.  I am titanium.  Every time that cancer sneaks out of someone's mouth, everytime my FIL tells me he feels loopy and "mushy" from his pain meds, everytime I see stress in my husband, MIL and SIL, everytime I talk about how much I hate my FIL's oncologist, everytime my MIL tells me that all my FIL was sleep all day because of his meds, everytime I see that my FIL can't play with Dominic like he wants to because he's in pain, everytime, everytime, everytime I see the pain that my FIL is going through I can't show my vulnerability, I have to be the rock.  I have to be titanium.  On my runs now I do still hold onto what Jess told me to do.  Leave it in God's hands.  In all honesty, talking to Him has helped a great deal.  I was talking to my friend Jo on our walk and epiphanied (yes, that's a word in my happy land) that maybe before I dive into church with both feet, I should go alone, get my feet wet a little, get used to it all again.  I'm hoping along with just talking to him this way, going to church again will actually make me feel better.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't care what people think of me, we all care in some way.  I have often thought, are people thinking why am I making, not a big deal, but making this about me?  Does that make sense?  It's stupid.  I know, but I wonder do people think, "it's just her FIL"  or why am I so upset?  UGG.. see... see what this shit does to me?!  Cancer gets me so fucked up upset that I start over thinking EVERYTHING.  Then my rational side is like, "shut up dude, this IS your family, this is your SON'S grandfather, your husbands father, of course this has to do with you too!" 

The other night, out of fucking nowhere, Matt says, "I don't think the chemo is working.  He's in too much pain.  I think this is it for him."  Now....what the FUCK do I say to THAT?!  I was taken aback because my husband is a fighter.  He does NOT give up... he just doesn't.  It's not his nature.  So this statement, I saw, as my husband kinda throwing in the towel.  I hugged him and said, "You can't think that way Matt.  You can't."  That was it.  How do I respond to that?!?!?  And as always, my wonderful BFFAE texts me asking how FIL is and I text back, "like shit."  I proceed to tell her what Matt says and she advised that I tell him that if that is the way he truly feels then to enjoy each day until the end.  A few weeks before the gauntlet fell and we didn't know the plan yet, my MIL was looking at a family photo we took last year in the fall.  She asked me if we were going to do that again because the colors were so nice and she enjoyed it.  I said no because it was just done last year.  Now that all of this stupid crap is happening I find myself trying to get my family together to do it again....I shouldn't have said no huh??

I also need/want to take this opportunity to apologize. I apologize, from the bottom of my heart for sucking as a friend lately.  I know I don't have to explain myself to anyone, BUT I feel awful as a friend, as a daughter, as a cousin, as a sister that I haven't called, texted, emailed.  I'm one person and can't be and do everything.  I'm not trying to sound like an asshole when I said the last sentence and I'm not saying that you guys aren't busy with your lives, but I am putting my all into my in laws right now and right now that is all that matters to me.  I know you guys understand, but please just be patient with my current level of suckiness as a friend, as a daughter, as a cousin, as a sister.  I'm trying my darndest to shoot a quick text, to try and make a call, make plans or even an email but by the end of the day I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep for 10 hours.  You guys know I love you.  You guys know I care.  Just bear with me please.....

Reasons.......

Reason.  Noun.

 

-A basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event...

-A statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.

- The mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences.

- Sound judgment; good sense.

- Normal or sound powers of mind; sanity.

 

I believe, for me, my life, personally that everything happens for a reason.  I may not like these things that happen, but they do.  With that said I do have 2 little hang-ups on things happening for a reason.

 

First hang up.....

 

Bosco.  Matt had him since he was a little pup.  He was 4 years old when we put him down.  He was THE greatest dog.  There are a million reasons why he was the best dog.  This dog helped my mom overcome her fear of dogs. I could go on and on about this Boxer.   When we put Bosco down and people tried to make us feel better by telling us that when they put their dog of 13 plus years down, I truly wanted to punch them.  It sucks putting a dog/pet down at any age, but really?  You're trying to make me feel better about putting down my FOUR year old pup when you got to enjoy yours for that long?  Yeah. NO.  I may never know why we had to let Bosco go so soon, but I know that it happened for a reason.   

Second hang up(s).....

Why cancer happened to this person.....

And this person....

I feel like my blog entries are a jumbled mess, so I do apologize for jumping around.  I promise I do have a point and the point I'm trying to get to comes down to religion today.

I'll get to the second "hang ups" in a bit, but 1st I need to express that I do believe in God, I believe that my life has been laid out for me, that there is a plan.  I believe that He does look out for me and listens when I need Him to.  BUT...someway, somehow, I lost my way.  I lost my faith, I lost interest, I just got lost.  It wasn't when Donnie was diagnosed, that actually just made things worse.  It all happened when my maternal grandmother passed away.  She was my teacher in religion.  We went to a Korean Catholic Church and the priest? Pastor? See how sad that is?  I don't even know the title to the person running the joint cuz I'm so out of touch.  ANYWAY.  He was very Korean and very old, couldn't understand him at times and grandma would translate.  She would also pinch the fuck out of my arm when I fell asleep :)  After church when all the other kids would hang out and play, the little shits would pick on me and make fun of me so I took off and just hung out with old ladies :)  Yes.  I got picked on at church.  Stupid kids.  I'm kinda glad though.  I loved spending time with my grandma.  When my grandmother passed away I didn't want to go to church anymore.  What was the point.  The ONLY friend I had at church was now gone.  We still went but as soon as I was old enough to say I was done, I stopped going.  That's when I got lost.

When people were going through rough times, asked me to "pray" for them, I realize now that I never spoke to God, I always talked to my grandma for guidance.  I felt like she helped me, I felt like she listened to me.  I went through all the "motions" of being a Catholic, observing Lent and all that jazz, but did it for her, not me and for years I was ok with that.  A friend asked me one night at dinner why I observe Lent and I was speechless.  Why am I doing this?  I don't go to church, I don't know my way around a bible, I'm scared to go back to church, I don't think I want to be Catholic anymore, I'm so screwed up confused.  I want a relationship with God, I do... I just don't know how.  I want to take Dominic to church, I want to instill values of religion to him, I want him to know enough to make an educated decision on all of this when he can choose for himself.  I don't want to be the idiot mom who can't answer religion questions when her kids ask.

I've said before in previous posts that when Donnie was diagnosed I got angry.  I took it out on God.  Why would he do this to a 16 month old baby?  Why?  He hasn't even begun to live his life... give it to me (this was before Dominic).  My "lost" status on religion and God spiraled out of control and got worse.  I was pissed off.  I needed a scapegoat.  God was my scapegoat.  It was my wonderful SIL that snapped me out of that shit and said to me, "God didn't do this to Donnie, you can't be mad at Him.  You have to ask Him to help Donnie and his family.  Don't be mad at God."  As mad as I was in that moment, she was right.  I still can't figure out what the reason is for this but maybe I never will.  Jess said to me when we were going through all of this with my FIL initially, "Maybe the reason why Don got sick was so that I could help you and Matt with your FIL...."

I'm sorry Jess.  I told you I would email you back and I lied.  This was my intention all along, don't be mad.  You were today's inspiration and yesterday's. 

This is what I got from Jessica yesterday morning....

Good morning,

 

You know how much adore you, right?  Well I do, I love you like a fat kid loves cake, I love you like I love my right arm, without you life would be difficult.  You are an amazing person inside and out.  You take care of everyone, you worry about everyone.  I love that you take care of yourself by running a lot of people can't find time for themselves and I think that's important.  There is a reason for this email, not just to tell you how much I love you although, yes I needed you to know that.

 

Here it is, I don't know how much you talk to God.  While you run, that would be a good time.  I'm not saying go to church, I'm not saying read the bible.  I'm saying just talk, talk in the shower, talk while your going to sleep, when you wake up, while on the pot, and while running.  Angie he will listen, you will feel so much better.  I was brought up in the Catholic church, I went to Catholic school, we went to church every Sunday...then we stopped.  Until Donnie got sick.  One day, I was at a really low point, I was feeling sad, I was mad, and you know what...there was nothing I could have done about it.  If there was anyone who could do something it was God, he was going to lead us to the right doctors, to the right people and he did.  I want you to put all your fears, your worries, on God and you will feel so much better. I love you and want you to be taken care of.  You need to see the brightside of things, you need to feel like someone is listening and He will and He is.

 

Ok I'm done.

 

Love you,

 

Jessica J. Monaco

I did EXACTLY what she suggested I do.  I got home from work, ran and chit chatted with God.  At 1st I was like, how the heck am I supposed to do this while I'm trying to run and breathe...then it all just fell into place.  I was running and talking to what seemed like myself, but I didn't care.  I was focused on the convo and didn't care what else was around me. Humans naturally want instant gratification in pretty much anything we do so I mentally prepped myself before I started dialing that phone.  I said to myself, I said, "Self, you may not get a phone call back soooo just talk and see what happens..."

Here is where my "everything happens for a reason" comes into play, because for me...it does.  I know this now.  Matt and I were watching "The Voice" (LOVE IT) tonight. A teenaged girl was showcased.  The family of 6 plus people live in Cali in a 2 bedroom apartment.  She sleeps on the couch and her brothers sleep on the floor.  Instantly, you feel for her and some would cry for her.  You know what she said?  "Other people have it a lot worse than me, so I'm thankful we have a roof over our heads...."  That's when I had the *palm to forehead* moment.  It worked.  Jess was right. 

I have to stop giving cancer the satisfaction of my negativity.  I have to take that energy and throw it into my family.  I have to take the time we have with my FIL and enjoy it to the fullest extent allowed.  Don't get it twisted, I still think cancer sucks and is a piece of shit and pissed off at it.  I'm not going to skip around and pretend to be "happy go lucky" while my FIL endures round 2 of chemo and is in pain.  BUT  I realize now that none of this is up to me, none of this is in my control and I'm getting angry at things I cannot control. 

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present."

Jessica, I love you.  Thank you for snapping me out of this.  First time I read it, I sobbed.  Second time, I sobbed again.  I have read it about 10 times since yesterday and feel empowered.  Thank you for always listening, never judging and never sugar coating.  Who needs who now? ;)