Sandcastles....

On Tuesday, June 21st, my FIL had his 1st chemotherapy session.  I was a nervous mess so I can only imagine how nervous my in laws were.  I called them in the morning to let them know I was on my way and my MIL sounded very somber.  Understandable.  I will say that he did VERY well during the session.  No adverse reaction to the chemo, no nausea, nothing.  I was happy about that.  That day was the 1st day in a long time that my FIL was himself again.  He was cracking jokes, giving me crap and just being dad. 

The day before Fathers' Day he expressed that he doesn't like to talk about it because he'd cry.  My FIL isn't one for hugging, kissing or being "lovey dovey"...he's Sicilian, what do you want?  Things changed on that front when his grandson was born.  He is ALWAYS hugging and kissing Dominic!!   The day of chemo I saw how scared he was when I walked into the house.  He didn't have to say a word, it was right there in his eyes.  I don't think anything can prepare you for a diagnosis like cancer.  When people ask me how my FIL is, or are his spirits up, I don't know what to say.  He says that we need to take things "day to day" and isn't completely negative about it but isn't positive either.  At least that's what I see or get from him.  He'll cry with my MIL and talk to her about it, but even with his own wife it's hard.  As he sat in the chair I pointed to my head and asked, "Dad, what's going on in your head?  How are you feeling mentally?"  He shrugged his shoulders, says "Ok" and asked for the remote to the tv.  I took that as "I don't want to talk about it..."  When Matt and I found out we were having a boy and I called everyone to share the news, my FIL's response?  "I could care less Ang"... translation in Sal's way... "I don't care what we get as long as it's healthy."  That's just how he is.  It makes me sad that he doesn't talk about it.  As long as he does express things to my MIL, that's all that matters.

Have you ever been to the beach on a family vacation?  Sunny and warm.  You pick the perfect spot to build a sandcastle.  You work so hard on it, little windows, doors, make sure the edges are perfect.  Then your shit little brother/sister or some idiot kid jealous of your work of art comes along and just stomps on your creation, kicks it down, laughs and runs away?

This is the only way I can describe how I think my FIL is feeling.  He's built a life with my MIL, had 2 kids who now have great jobs, they can fend for themselves.  Then along comes a grandson, his best friend, his everything.  Life is perfection and great...... then BAM... sidelined and the sandcastle crumbles..... 

Tomorrow....

Before I unleash my feelings about tomorrow.  I have to thank my best friend for reminding me to enjoy the fact that I DID get to spend my birthday/Father's Day with my FIL and dad.  Jessica (the bffae), is my reality checker, my therapist, my sister, my emotional punching bag, my 2nd set of eyes and I don't know WTF I'd do without her in my corner.  With the exception of you readers, I can count on 1 hand how many people I talk to on a daily basis about this crap and she's right there.  All the time. 

                            Jessica, Joey & I on my wedding day

My poor FIL slept most of the day and didn't eat much either.  There was a moment where he and I got to talk in the kitchen and he says, "My appetite is gone Ang, I'm afraid it's going to get worse and I'm going to lose more weight."  Do you understand how much I wanted to break down, right then and there?  Right there, that moment I heard fear in his voice.  I've been with Matt for almost 8 years and in those 8 years until now, my FIL was always the "fuggedaboutit" kinda guy, laid back, but acted like a tough shit kinda guy too.  It has changed me SO much to see that man this way, it kills me.  When Donnie was diagnosed that changed me too, it showed me that cancer IS an asshole and doesn't discriminate.  It taught me to NOT take for granted anything in my life, especially my healthy son, and I haven't.  This time though, it feels different.  I don't mean to sound like I don't or didn't care about Don's diagnosis cuz TRUST me ... the week he was diagnosed we all had to sit in church for Joey, her oldest son's, Communion and I'm SHOCKED that I'm alive and typing this because the shit running through my mind in church, I'm surprised lightning bolts of death didn't come down from the heavens and kill me.  I love those boys like my own, but this time it feels MORE real, does that make sense? 

      Fathers Day 2011-Dominic covering Nonno in stickers!

So, tomorrow.  My FIL will be receiving chemotherapy once every 3 weeks, each session being 5 hours on an outpatient basis.  Tomorrow (Tuesday) is his 1st session.  I told my girlfriend Kari that I would be taking my in laws.  She asked, "Are you going to be ok with that?  Seeing that?"  I said, "I have to be."  I have NO idea what to expect tomorrow.  I'm sitting here blogging about my feelings and how shitty I'm feeling while I'm sure my FIL in his mind is scared as shit for tomorrow too.  I have to be the strong one though right? For not only my FIL, but my MIL too.

This is totally like a roller coaster ride. Totally.  We all have to just strap ourselves down and get ready for the ride of our lives.....

Happy Fu*king Birthday....

June 6, 1975- that's Matt's birthday.  On June 6, 2011 my husband was at the hospital with his father.  On June 6, 2011 our family was told that the tumor they found in my FIL was indeed malignant. 

When anyone asks Matt, "When's your birthday?"  He says, "June 6th...D-Day."  Now, I'm no history buff, in fact I failed miserably. What I do know is that this is the day we (160,000 troops) invaded Normandy.  It was a quest to defeat Hitler.....

I hate to compare such an awful, historical event to what our family is going through right now, but this is how I feel.  What a shitty fucking birthday; not that it was that important at the time, but not only do you have to take your dad to a biopsy procedure, you find out the same day that what they biopsied IS cancer.  Now what?  No amount of loved filled "Happy Birthday" greetings can take away the sting of the fact that your father has cancer.  The morning of Matt's birthday he woke me to tell me he was leaving.  I said, "Happy Birthday!!"  Matt says, "I hope so....."  This isn't even MY dad and I'm a fucking mess.  I cannot imagine what my husband, my MIL and my SIL are going through right now.   

June 6, 2011 was like our own "D-Day" wasn't it?  My family has to be those 160,000 soldiers right now.  My family has to help my FIL invade this thing and kill it.......

I. Hate. Cancer

So what is happening in my life you ask that's changed my mind into doing this blog? Cancer.

I loathe, hate & despise it.  My mother's side of the family is riddled with a history.  I lost my grandparents to cancer, my aunt, my best friends son was diagnosed at 16 months w/ kidney cancer and now my father in law (FIL) was recentely diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma aka skin cancer.  Now when I say to you "skin cancer", what is your 1st thought?  Treatable right?  It's just on the skin, no big deal, just scrape it off and hope it doesn't come back right? Yeah....no.  In my FIL's case, it's ON his spine, wrapped around a major artery and INOPERABLE.  He starts chemo & radiation treatments next week.  Before I go into how fucking pissed off I am, allow me to share a bit of history...

I can count on both hands & feet AND then some, how many people dislike their in-laws.  Always bitching and complaing about their "monster" in laws & they did this and she said that.  I have NO idea what that's like.  Allow me to mention that my in laws are Italian/Sicilian and I love them.  I feel closer to my mother in law (MIL) than I do my own mother, VERY sad but true.  It's not easy having an Asian mother, but that's a different story for a different day. My MIL will give you the shirt off her back & will feed you to no end!! My FIL is a big smart ass teddy bear who pretends to be tough as nails.  They are "old school" Italians, but at the same time THE most laid back people that I know.  I used to work about 10 mins from their house and would go there for lunch.  The girls at work would ask me to lunch and I always said, "No thanks, I'm going to Matt's parents for lunch."  The response, "By yourself? WOW!  I hate my in laws, how do you go there alone?"  All I could think of was how sad I was for them that they could feel that way towards other people.... very sad.  Plus, the food is not only free but it's Italian food! Helllooooo?!?!!?

This is my FIL and I on my wedding day.  He looks thrilled doesn't he?!   The relationship that I have with my in laws is something I cherish with all of my heart.  I don't call my in laws by their names.  I call them "mom" and "dad", I don't do it for shits and grins, I do it because they are.  Anyways, so that "tough as nails" attitude I mentioned completely disappeared when our son was born....

Doesn't this picture make you want throw up?!  My FIL was a bag of nerves the night I went into the hospital.  My bff told me that he was pacing back and forth, back and forth.  Everytime Matt (my husband) would call or text someone down there, my FIL was right there asking if things were ok.  The second he held our son, he was butter in Dominic's hands.  Dominic was literally just hours old and already had this man wrapped around his fingers.  Disgusting I tell you, truly.  What's my point... my point here is that no matter how much I try to think positively about our family's new situation I cannot help but think, "What if something happens?  Dominic is ONLY 2 years old!  He loves his grandpa."  When my FIL walks into the room, forget it!  No one else exists.  When we go visit grandma/grandpa and Dominic doesn't see grandpa right away, he will search the house high and low screaming for him. They're best friends and really?!  Cancer? NOW?! Why? WHY!!!!!!!!!! I fucking hate cancer.

This blog will mainly be my outlet to bitch and complain that I hate cancer and want IT to die, but the other reason??  Maybe, just MAYBE there is someone out there going through the same exact thing or has gone through it to help me in my thoughts or just a little bit of hope that everything WILL be ok.  All I know right now is that I'm pissed off, frustrated and confused not only with life but my faith as well.  I thought that my faith was being tested when my bff's son was diagnosed as a baby....it's being tested AGAIN and it's NOT pretty.....

My Pensieve....

Hi blogging world!  My name is Angie, nice to meet you!  I'm totally new at this blogging thing and getting used to all of this layout business.  I'll figure it out the more I play around right? 

Anyways, this is my little family, my husband Matt, our son Dominic and yours truly. I've thought of starting a blog when my son was born, then realized that a newborn is alot of freaking work!  A good friend of ours kept a blog and it sparked my interest but I didn't have anything to write or complain about that was blog worthy.  Until now.

Before I delve into all that is my life right now, the reason why I started this blog is to hash out my qualms of life and the curve balls my family is being thrown right now.  Also, I wanted to "introduce" myself before I start bitching & complaining.  I don't want to start off on the wrong foot you know?  I'm hoping that in my blogging journey someone is out there feeling the same thing or even going through my same motions and can help guide me perhaps.  This blog is my outlet, my emotional punching bag.  It's not and won't be about just one thing.  I do have a journal that I physically write in for my son.  I started it the day that I found out I was pregnant with him.  I will continue to do so even though I'm about a month behind!  Thank goodness for my trusty BlackBerry and the calendar of events that I can reference to try and refresh my memory! 

I have no idea where this road will take me or how long I'll be traveling but I can only hope that it helps me clear out all of my thoughts on a semi-daily basis.  Almost like the pensieve from Harry Potter. "The pensieve is an object used to review memories. It has the appearance of a shallow stone basin, into which are carved runes and strange symbols. It is filled with a silvery substance that appears to be a cloud-like liquid/gas; the collected memories of people who have siphoned their recollections into it. Memories can then be viewed from a third-person point of view."  This blog is my pensieve something that I can release my thoughts into....