Thankful....

Optimism- having "hopefulness and confidence about the future or successful outcome of something; a tendency to take a favourable or hopeful view." The word is originally derived from the Latin optimum, meaning "best." Being optimistic, in the typical sense of the word, ultimately means one expects the best possible outcome from any given situation.  This is per Wikipedia & there is no photo of me attached.

Pessimism- from the Latin word pessimus (worst), is a state of mind in which one perceives life negatively. Value judgments may vary dramatically between individuals, even when judgments of fact are undisputed. The most common example of this phenomenon is the "Is the glass half empty or half full?" situation. The degree in which situations like these are evaluated as something good or something bad can be described in terms of one's optimism or pessimism respectively. Throughout history, the pessimistic disposition has had effects on all major areas of thinking.  This is also per Wikipedia and whaddya know... a photo of me is right there!

I admittedly am a very extreme pessimist.  I do not know why I am this way, I really don't.  Maybe because of my upbringing?  Maybe because I was bullied as a child?  Maybe just because?  Who knows... I really do wish I knew why.......

There is absolutely NOTHING positive about cancer.  NOTHING.  I will fight you tooth and nail and tell you that cancer is a piece of shit.  BUT.  I was reminded yesterday that my FIL is still here and that we still get to enjoy my FIL's company, brass/harsh humor, his stubborn Italian attitude and his love.  THAT is a positive.  Another reason cancer is negative??  It's brought out everything negative in me and I was finally pulled out of it yesterday. 

There are two people that I am dedicating today's post to......

#1-- My BFFAE&E, Jessica.  The woman has a full time job, 3 awesome sons that each have their own sports/things/activities, a dog & a husband...I don't know how or when she sleeps or even eats and yet she STILL finds time to shoot me an email to smack me back into reality, or text me to give me a "virtual" hug or just says, "I miss you sissy..."  Words CANNOT express how that simple text message makes my fucking day.  I got a forwarded email from her yesterday.  In that forward was her yelling at my negativity.  Honestly, my initial reaction was WTF did I do!??!  Then I realized she had read my blog.  Jessica doesn't sugar coat, she will tell you like it is.  Yes, it is my blog, I get to say what I want, BUT she's right.  My FIL's diagnosis has me so fucking angry that I lost sight of the fact that he's still here, Dominic still has his nonno.  Not everyone gets to say this to me though and I don't mean that to be an asshole.  What we're going through may affect me directly because it affects my husband and my son and me, BUT Jess went through this shit with her own son for crap's sake.  She knows what I'm feeling and why.  Maybe it's the combo of going through the same thing AND being my best friend, but I'm glad she did it, she called me out and now I have to try hard to change this shitty outlook.  I love you Jess more than YOU know....feel free to smack me upside the head anytime, just not for real, I prefer it via email or text...hee hee.  You are my rock in this Jess.  When we were talking this summer and you said to me, "Maybe Don had cancer so that I can be there for you....."  I cried for days at that comment.  If it was up to me, I'd go through this alone and blindly than have that little boy diagnosed at 16 months old, but it's not up to me is it?  If it wasn't for you, your guidance, your love and your support in all of this for me/us....I wouldn't know what the fuck I was doing.  I love you & am thankful for you and your boys...all of your boys, even Joe and Paco....

#2-- My good friend, Jen P..aka, "wife"...it's an inside joke.  Don't judge :)  Jen works with Matt and all I will say is that I don't know why we got so close SO LATE!  He's worked with her forever!!!  We have EVERYTHING in common.  We both love the 80's and all the movies that come with that hair-teasing era, we quote songs & movies...she's turned into a very UN-expected good family friend.  On FaceBook for the month of November she's been posting "5 things I'm thankful for today...." After I got a 'talking to' from Jessica I told Jen that I would be copying her and doing the same.  It will force me into actually being positive, which is why Jen said that she's been doing it.  I started yesterday and it felt good!!  I am thankful for you Jen, for encouraging me to stay positive, for loving this family like you do.  I love you....

November is Turkey month!  Yesssssss!!!  I love turkey, cranberries, mashed potatoes and corn and carbs and sugar and everything that is Thanksgiving.  We're supposed to be thankful, thankful for this life, this gift, thankful for our health and the people around us...the ones we love.

What are you thankful for?

Just a rat in a cage....

"The world is a vampire, sent to drain
secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
and what do I get, for my pain
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
someone will say what is lost can never be saved"

This is a "snippet" of lyrics from the ever fantastical band that is The Smashing Pumpkins song..."Rat in a Cage." I will address this in a few.....

Oct 21st, my FIL had his 2nd CT scan.  Then on his birthday, Oct 24th, he got to see a radiation oncologist to discuss radiation therapy. Happy fucking birthday right?  My family is going to start hating birthday's if this shit keeps up.  Matt finds out his dad has cancer on HIS birthday.  My FIL is told he needs radiation and MORE chemo on his!!!  Then on Oct 25th, he met with the oncologist to discuss all of the above to map out a new treatment plan.  When Matt came home from work and got settled in at the table for dinner, he proceeded to explain to me the who's the what's and the how's of all of this radiation road.  I couldn't eat anymore.  My stomach literally turned upside down.  I took my plate to the sink and started tearing up a bit.  Matt seemed "ok" with it, as "ok" as he could be I guess, we didn't talk much about it anymore that night.

At the appointment with the oncologist, Dr. LaFollette, he was given his treatment plan and options...well not really options, but you get the drift.  As I said in the prior post, it's door #2 for my FIL; 5 weeks of radiation therapy M-F and a constant pump that will deliver his chemo in a lower dose, which has to be changed out every Saturday.  Dr. LaFollette near the end of the appointment was kind enough to remind my FIL that his cancer, "will never go away..."  that chemo and radiation is to shrink the tumor to "improve" his "quality of life" to be in less pain.  Matt told me that my FIL's response to her "reminder" was..."so we're doing all of this for nothing?"  UGGG...  When Matt and my FIL were alone my FIL did say that he was kind of glad that she told them that, so he won't set himself up for mental failure. 


My train of thought was so scrambled.  How will he react to radiation EVERYDAY?  What if they can't handle watching my son?  Will I have to quit my job?  How the hell is my MIL?  What do you mean the cancer will never go away?  Will he be pain free enough soon to take his grandson to Italy?  If/when the tumor flares again, will he want to do this shit again?  Will we lose him?  Will Dominic lose his best friend? 

Speaking of work, I've been off for the past few weeks, will be off this week as well.  All this time off could NOT have come at a better time for this family.  My FIL has had more doctor's appointments this week than any other previous weeks.  I believe it was Thursday night that my FIL called Matt to let him know that radiation will NOT be starting on Monday (today), they will start the "fitting & marking" process this Thursday.  On Matt's end I could hear that he was trying to figure out how to go with him to this appointment.  Matt took off a few days during this break to spend time with his family and he already went to work on one of those days for a meeting and so I told him to take Thursday off instead of Monday to be with his dad.  He said no.  I told him that I would go with my FIL.  After that was said and done, Matt started tearing up, saying, "I wish I could do more and go with him." UGG.  When I tell you that my husband is barely treading water with all of this....it's true.  Between trying to keep up with the demands at work, the stress that comes with it, staying on top of calling his parents everyday or every other day, spending time with his own family and trying to stay on top of keeping in touch with his friends... all I see in that pool of water is his nostrils to breathe.

Onto my Smashing Pumpkins reference.  I fell off the "running wagon" for a bit because of a stupid shin annoyance.  I'm trying to catch up to said "wagon," and started running again, yay!  I was running on Friday night and decided to put my trusty Ipod on shuffle and as I'm running the Smashing Pumpkins song comes on.  It helped push me through my stupid rib cramp and also made all the sense to me personally.  "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...."  This is EXACTLY how I feel, as angry as I am, as frustrated as I am for my family, I can't do shit about it.  I can't scream, I can't cry, I can't help, I can't heal, I can't hit anything, I can't...why?  Because I feel like that poor fucking lab rat just running and running and running in that maze, in that cage.  My run was cut short not because of the rib cramp but because of my FIL, I was sobbing profusely at the image of my FIL laying there getting marked up like HE'S some kind of fucking lab rat.  Running is my get away, is my new happy place, since last April (besides the stupid hiccup) running has been my therapy.  It's free, it's liberating, it's stress relieving and it's love.

Since radiation last week his only side effect has been that of a "sour" taste in his mouth.  I try to call my in laws everyday, but sometimes that doesn't happen, every other day is more accurate.  My FIL probably thinks that it's annoying having 1 out of the 3 of us constantely calling, but alas... he's got to get over that!  :) 

If I feel like a rat in a cage..... I can only imagine how my FIL feels.....