secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
and what do I get, for my pain
despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
someone will say what is lost can never be saved"
This is a "snippet" of lyrics from the ever fantastical band that is The Smashing Pumpkins song..."Rat in a Cage." I will address this in a few.....
Oct 21st, my FIL had his 2nd CT scan. Then on his birthday, Oct 24th, he got to see a radiation oncologist to discuss radiation therapy. Happy fucking birthday right? My family is going to start hating birthday's if this shit keeps up. Matt finds out his dad has cancer on HIS birthday. My FIL is told he needs radiation and MORE chemo on his!!! Then on Oct 25th, he met with the oncologist to discuss all of the above to map out a new treatment plan. When Matt came home from work and got settled in at the table for dinner, he proceeded to explain to me the who's the what's and the how's of all of this radiation road. I couldn't eat anymore. My stomach literally turned upside down. I took my plate to the sink and started tearing up a bit. Matt seemed "ok" with it, as "ok" as he could be I guess, we didn't talk much about it anymore that night.
At the appointment with the oncologist, Dr. LaFollette, he was given his treatment plan and options...well not really options, but you get the drift. As I said in the prior post, it's door #2 for my FIL; 5 weeks of radiation therapy M-F and a constant pump that will deliver his chemo in a lower dose, which has to be changed out every Saturday. Dr. LaFollette near the end of the appointment was kind enough to remind my FIL that his cancer, "will never go away..." that chemo and radiation is to shrink the tumor to "improve" his "quality of life" to be in less pain. Matt told me that my FIL's response to her "reminder" was..."so we're doing all of this for nothing?" UGGG... When Matt and my FIL were alone my FIL did say that he was kind of glad that she told them that, so he won't set himself up for mental failure.
My train of thought was so scrambled. How will he react to radiation EVERYDAY? What if they can't handle watching my son? Will I have to quit my job? How the hell is my MIL? What do you mean the cancer will never go away? Will he be pain free enough soon to take his grandson to Italy? If/when the tumor flares again, will he want to do this shit again? Will we lose him? Will Dominic lose his best friend?
Speaking of work, I've been off for the past few weeks, will be off this week as well. All this time off could NOT have come at a better time for this family. My FIL has had more doctor's appointments this week than any other previous weeks. I believe it was Thursday night that my FIL called Matt to let him know that radiation will NOT be starting on Monday (today), they will start the "fitting & marking" process this Thursday. On Matt's end I could hear that he was trying to figure out how to go with him to this appointment. Matt took off a few days during this break to spend time with his family and he already went to work on one of those days for a meeting and so I told him to take Thursday off instead of Monday to be with his dad. He said no. I told him that I would go with my FIL. After that was said and done, Matt started tearing up, saying, "I wish I could do more and go with him." UGG. When I tell you that my husband is barely treading water with all of this....it's true. Between trying to keep up with the demands at work, the stress that comes with it, staying on top of calling his parents everyday or every other day, spending time with his own family and trying to stay on top of keeping in touch with his friends... all I see in that pool of water is his nostrils to breathe.
Onto my Smashing Pumpkins reference. I fell off the "running wagon" for a bit because of a stupid shin annoyance. I'm trying to catch up to said "wagon," and started running again, yay! I was running on Friday night and decided to put my trusty Ipod on shuffle and as I'm running the Smashing Pumpkins song comes on. It helped push me through my stupid rib cramp and also made all the sense to me personally. "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...." This is EXACTLY how I feel, as angry as I am, as frustrated as I am for my family, I can't do shit about it. I can't scream, I can't cry, I can't help, I can't heal, I can't hit anything, I can't...why? Because I feel like that poor fucking lab rat just running and running and running in that maze, in that cage. My run was cut short not because of the rib cramp but because of my FIL, I was sobbing profusely at the image of my FIL laying there getting marked up like HE'S some kind of fucking lab rat. Running is my get away, is my new happy place, since last April (besides the stupid hiccup) running has been my therapy. It's free, it's liberating, it's stress relieving and it's love.
Since radiation last week his only side effect has been that of a "sour" taste in his mouth. I try to call my in laws everyday, but sometimes that doesn't happen, every other day is more accurate. My FIL probably thinks that it's annoying having 1 out of the 3 of us constantely calling, but alas... he's got to get over that! :)
If I feel like a rat in a cage..... I can only imagine how my FIL feels.....
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