Tomorrow....

Before I unleash my feelings about tomorrow.  I have to thank my best friend for reminding me to enjoy the fact that I DID get to spend my birthday/Father's Day with my FIL and dad.  Jessica (the bffae), is my reality checker, my therapist, my sister, my emotional punching bag, my 2nd set of eyes and I don't know WTF I'd do without her in my corner.  With the exception of you readers, I can count on 1 hand how many people I talk to on a daily basis about this crap and she's right there.  All the time. 

                            Jessica, Joey & I on my wedding day

My poor FIL slept most of the day and didn't eat much either.  There was a moment where he and I got to talk in the kitchen and he says, "My appetite is gone Ang, I'm afraid it's going to get worse and I'm going to lose more weight."  Do you understand how much I wanted to break down, right then and there?  Right there, that moment I heard fear in his voice.  I've been with Matt for almost 8 years and in those 8 years until now, my FIL was always the "fuggedaboutit" kinda guy, laid back, but acted like a tough shit kinda guy too.  It has changed me SO much to see that man this way, it kills me.  When Donnie was diagnosed that changed me too, it showed me that cancer IS an asshole and doesn't discriminate.  It taught me to NOT take for granted anything in my life, especially my healthy son, and I haven't.  This time though, it feels different.  I don't mean to sound like I don't or didn't care about Don's diagnosis cuz TRUST me ... the week he was diagnosed we all had to sit in church for Joey, her oldest son's, Communion and I'm SHOCKED that I'm alive and typing this because the shit running through my mind in church, I'm surprised lightning bolts of death didn't come down from the heavens and kill me.  I love those boys like my own, but this time it feels MORE real, does that make sense? 

      Fathers Day 2011-Dominic covering Nonno in stickers!

So, tomorrow.  My FIL will be receiving chemotherapy once every 3 weeks, each session being 5 hours on an outpatient basis.  Tomorrow (Tuesday) is his 1st session.  I told my girlfriend Kari that I would be taking my in laws.  She asked, "Are you going to be ok with that?  Seeing that?"  I said, "I have to be."  I have NO idea what to expect tomorrow.  I'm sitting here blogging about my feelings and how shitty I'm feeling while I'm sure my FIL in his mind is scared as shit for tomorrow too.  I have to be the strong one though right? For not only my FIL, but my MIL too.

This is totally like a roller coaster ride. Totally.  We all have to just strap ourselves down and get ready for the ride of our lives.....