"Respect for ones parents is the highest duty of civil life" -Chinese Proverb

With all of this talk about my in laws, I need to mention how amazing MY family has been. I'm crying thinking about what I am about to write because I am overwhelmed with their love and patience with me during all of this bullshit cancer crap.

If you know me, you know that I joke about Asians, poke fun and laugh at them pretty much every chance I get. Mainly because they do annoy me and other than my outside physical attributes, there is really NOTHING Asian about me. I don't play an instrument, I am beyond terrible at math, I drive a Chevy, I'm tall, loud and I like to eat. However, I do my own nails and really awesome at that and take a shit ton of pictures, so I guess I don't suck THAT bad as an Asian. Please don't get it twisted though, I love WHO and WHAT I am and damn proud of my Korean-ness. The Korean culture is a beautiful one and apparently so is the country, but some of the "rules" and shit annoy me. Korean custom/tradition states that when a daughter marries, she is supposed to ONLY be all about her new husband's family, for example, holidays.  Daughters family is hardly included, it's always the husband's family 1st...yeah fuck that. Back in the day, the men had that "barefoot and pregnant" mentality as well, I'm sure some still do. I can't tell you how many times I've seen my grandfather barking orders at my grandmother or even my own father, in the middle of dinner tell my mother to get up for more water.  In my head I thought, "Seriously? Fucking get it yourself." Anyways, in laws ALWAYS are 1st to the daughters family. Bullshit. This was a huge reason why I never dated an Asian and told pretty much everyone around me that I would NEVER marry one either. Plus, I'm 5'10, tower over Asian boys and I knew I'd never find one my height or one my height that I would even like...tee hee. For the record, I'm not saying that ALL Korean men are this way. Just like there are Italian men out there that actually cook, clean and help their wives. *Ahem...mine* :)

I'm seriously shocked that I have never suffered from an identity crisis, I am NOT kidding.  My childhood was challenging to say the least. I was the only Asian kid in my 5th and 6th grade class and got picked on BIG time.  One dick-fuck even said to my face, "I can blindfold you with dental floss." True story. Sure, NOW it's funny BUT when he said it at that very moment, it fucking hurt. Kids/teachers at school would tell me or show me one thing and then my parents would tell/teach me a different, "Asian" way, it was very confusing for me. My parents did the best that they could with what they had, I surely don't blame them but it wasn't easy.  The only thing they did for Christmas was a tree. No lights on the house, no stockings, nothing. So I decorated my own room with Christmas shit. It looked like Christmas threw up in my bedroom.  I had my own tree, hung my own lights, even had empty stockings for my mom, dad and brother.  I promised myself that I would show my kids and explain to my kids every fun tradition out there and decorate my house at every holiday.  I sound like a fucking brat don't I, like an ungrateful shit child who grew up homeless or some crap?  I don't mean it to sound that way, but just like how my parents came here for a better life for their kids, I want the same for mine.  Again, they did the best they could with what little they knew and I hate to toot my own horn, but I turned out pretty fucking awesome, no?

Back to my point.  About 2 years ago during a family "pow-wow," my mom admitted/apologized to me that even though she's been in the U.S. for longer than she's been back at the old country, she STILL has the Korean mentality.  It's hard for her to let go of some of the thoughts and customs. So during the holidays when I would ask my mom what they wanted to do for Thanksgiving or Christmas, my mom would say, "Worry about Matt's family...don't worry about us." I was like WTF!? NO! I want MY family there too, wtf is her issue?! My in laws always included them as well.  I LOVE that Dominic gets to spend the holidays especially with BOTH sides of his grandparents.  She now finally gets it, they both do.

After I had Dominic and went back to work, my in laws spent ALOT more time with Dominic as they're both retired and was happy to have their grandson around while we go to work to support our new little family. I tried to make it a point to have Dominic spend as much time with my parents too so there were no "favorites," and he got to know BOTH sides equally....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnndddddd then all of it got fucked up.  Fucked up because of cancer.  

I typed out a long letter and had my cousin, Jen, translate it for me in Korean. (Yet, another reason why I suck as an Asian, I can't read or write it and don't speak it 100% *hangs head in shame*) In the letter I was apologizing for sucking as a daughter. Why? Because I'm trying to have Dominic get as much time as he can with his sick grandfather and therefore spending more time with my in laws. Because my mom and dad have needs too as far as my help with setting up THEIR doctor's appointments, understanding and translating shit for them and taking THEM to some of their appointments.  Because as their daughter, I'M supposed to help them and I was doing a piss poor job of it. 

My parents called me separately after getting said letters and told me to stop. They told me NOT to apologize, they told me they understood, they weren't mad or weren't "jealous" at the time spent with my in laws. You have NO idea how much weight was lifted off of my shoulders already heavy with in law business. My parents and I, especially my mother, have struggled to "get along" so to speak throughout the years because of the language barrier and the different mentalities. We are all finally in a perfect place all around with our relationship. They both work full time and in a very different place in their lives. They help us in other ways and super supportive of not only me, but Matt and my in laws as well. 

I know this entry is about them, but I have to say that Dominic of all things/people, has helped my relationship with my parents. My son has NO idea what he is to this family. Obviously because of the speech delays I never spoke a lick of Korean to him. I asked my parents to keep speaking it to him though but that wasn't a priority for me to instill in my son. During our last trip to Sicily when I finally got a hold of my mother, she jokingly asked, "Is Dominic learning alot of Italian?"  I said, "Uma!! I can't get this kid to speak English right now, let alone Italian!!"  She cracked up laughing! With all that said, because Dominic only speaks "his" language and English, it forces my parents to use that with him. In turn it's helped our relationship. It's funny how roles have reversed. In my jr high/high school days, my mom would speak to me in Korean and I would respond in English. Now that I'm older and wiser *wink* and don't want to lose what I DO know, she'll speak to me in English now so she keeps learning and I respond in Korean so I keep learning too.

I've learned to prioritize to help my parents. He's got major back issues of his own and was going to his appointments by himself.  When the flood of paperwork to fill out came into play, questions about insurance, call this doctor to clarify this is when I was like...oooookay...I'm just gonna come with you. I know that with anything in life, things can be a lot worse. I get that, but it's still hard. I'd like to think of myself as a pretty good multi-tasker and I've gotten better at asking for help, especially now w/ a growing belly.  I just hope that as a family, all the balls we're juggling in the air, one doesn't fall and fuck things up. So far I think we're all doing a pretty good job of trying to balance it all. We have a great support system as a family and individually so I'm truly thankful for that.  

Last weekend, I planned on asking my mom to take Dominic overnight so that Matt and I could breath a little bit, get caught up with housework/baby's room and help my in laws. She totally beat me to it. As we sat there and talked she said, "Why don't you bring Dominic here next Saturday for a sleepover so you and Matt can rest?"  

At the end of my letter to them was an expression of love from my end as well as Matt's for their patience.  No letter, no words that I express will ever relay the gratitude I have for everything that they've done for me growing up, but especially now when things really suck and I need them the most. Isn't it ironic how I blasted a little Korean custom before and now I DO have to be about my in laws right now?

  
Well played irony.....well played.....

...........

Because I don't know where to begin as my thoughts are just about everywhere lately and it's been about 6 months since my last entry....let's just start w/ Dominic shall we?

We have been BUSY, BUSY, BUSY! Dominic is in his 3rd year--well 2nd FULL year--of school and I cannot even begin to tell you how proud I am of him!  I've been posting on FB like mad on all of the Dominic-ism's!!  You're God damn right I'm showing off/bragging because it's been a LONG time fucking coming for this child to be able to communicate with us properly.  Don't get it twisted, Matt and I STILL have to catch each other because we do still try and talk for him which is such a hard habit to break, but we're trying.  Every once in a while though, Dominic himself will tell us to "Shhhhh..." so HE can try to say what he wants!!!  I LOVE IT!  

I admit, I also still "hold him back" so to speak w/ things like sports or those Tae Kwon Do classes we tried out last year but it's time now. He's 4 & 1/2 now (W.T.F!) and ready for the things that the other kids his age have been doing.  Matt and I need to put our big kid pants on and show him what he's been missing out on!  As parents' all we ever want to do is to protect our children and for many personal reasons I'm VERY protective of mine, but at the same time CANNOT be overbearing, I know this.  Again, I know things can be a lot worse, but because of his delays, I just get so scared that he isn't really ready for certain things.  Dominic is a resilient little boy and has proven US wrong every single time.  We've finally signed him up for TKD classes and I'm so excited for him to start!  

Oh! We also have this goin' on as well........

Yep!  Another Grasso....another boy!  Yay for using all of D's stuff and not going bankrupt clothing a little girl and turning this house pink and purple! :)  I am 28 weeks but look like I'm ready to pop tomorrow!  I was huge with Dominic too.  My belly entered a room before I did and I honestly loved it!  I wanted people to see me coming with all that jelly! :)  So, needless to say all of this has kept us busy too. Trying to get a new baby's room ready while entertaining a little boy is NOT an easy task! ;)  Thank goodness for sleepover's with the grandma's and grandpa's!

Speaking of, we've also been spending as much time as we can with my in laws is the other reason for our busy-ness. FIL is still fighting a good fight, but things are getting fairly worse.  Tumor got bigger, chemo has stopped for now as this last round clearly did not do shit for him.  Matt and my in laws recently had a consulation w/ a radiation specialist to discuss proton therapy.  Proton therapy is a form of radiation therapy for many types of tumors.  I destroys cancer cells by preventing them from dividing and growing.  The difference between proton therapy and standard x-ray radiation is that protons deposit much of their radiation directly to the tumor and then stop.  This allows patients to receive higher doses, which can be more effective, while reducing the damage to healthy tissues around the tumor (Definition from ProCure.com). There is NOTHING positive about cancer which is why it's much easier to be negative.  I hope to God this works and I pray that this will alleviate the pain he is currently in.  Let's just say he's been taking his pain meds like they are fucking tic tacs.  Proton therapy will probably work BUT because that bitch is on his spine, it will only "buy him time" so to speak.  Apparently the oncologist at Rush is going to talk to his "spine" guy to see if there is any chance of surgery.  I'm hopeful on the proton therapy, I'm NOT holding my breath on the surgery option.  And no, that's not me being "negative," that's me being realistic to the fact that IF anyone touches that tumor the biggest side effect is paralysis, to which my FIL said 2 years ago, "Fuck that."

A few months ago, my FIL, MIL and the nurse were all crying because he said that he wanted to stop, give up and pretty much just throw in the towel.  He won't, but he wants to. If it wasn't for Dominic or his unborn grandson, he would have stopped this bullshit a loooooong time ago.  The man can't cut his grass anymore, guess who does that? My MIL. Like she doesn't have enough to deal with.  He physically cannot play with his grandson or do ANYTHING for more than 5 minutes without feeling winded and tired. What the fuck kind of a life is that?  I usually ALWAYS have something to say, about anything and everything, especially when it comes to this.  So when Matt told me about FIL's appointment, I didn't say shit.  Why? Because I don't fucking blame my FIL for wanting to stop.  The only break he's had from all of this shit is when we went to Sicily last summer. That's it.  

Cancer is such a mind fuck.  It's a mind fuck for those who have it and for their family that have to watch that person suffer.  It's a mind fuck for everyone, mostly for my FIL.  He is your typical Sicilian--hard-headed, acts-tough-but-is-a-softie-on-the-inside kinda guy, so it's hard to see him this way.  It's hard to watch him apologize to me while crying because he can no longer make the drive out here to help us watch his grandson.  It's hard when we go out there almost every weekend to help THEM as much as we can or to let them visit w/ Dominic and all he does is sleep.  It's hard to kiss him hello or goodbye without wanting to punch a fucking wall in anger or run to the bathroom and cry out of sadness. 

We all have things that we are passionate about whether it's a specific organization, club, politics--whatever.  Mine is cancer. I don't think I need to tell any of you how much I hate it.  My hatred for it is pretty obvious especially now that it's directly affecting me and my family. I lost my aunt and my maternal grandparents to it but was never there on a daily basis to really and truly see how fucked cancer is. Aside from clowns, (I'm serious) my biggest fear is that it will take my mother from me.  Now my FIL has it, which means that when asked on a health history form, "Family history of cancer?" Matt now has to fucking check "yes."  I have to check "yes."  I don't even want to go there right now.  I can't. I'll lose my shit.  Just the thought.....I can't....

Aside from the obvious people though, I feel the most for my husband right now.  Thinking about it as I blog, he has NO fucking break. He is swamped/stressed at work and about work AND works more when Dominic goes to bed. He can't just sit when he gets home either because our son wants all of his daddy's attention and Matt gives it to him 150 fucking percent everyday.  Weekends are even more packed w/ busy-ness. Because of all the time we spend with my in laws, I have to fit my parents in there as well.  They are in complete understanding of why more time is spent w/ my in laws and are fine w/ that but it's me that feels bad for them. So we literally have NO weekends where that dry erase calendar has nothing on it.  Let's not forget the "honey-do" list that I have for Matt because of trying to get new baby shit together. He's so tired and sometimes I have no choice but to sit back and be forced to watch the sadness in his face. It is beyond heartbreaking.  

I know that I don't need to explain myself to anyone, but I love my in laws.  The relationship that I have with my in laws is super weird for others to understand because I actually DO like them.  I don't call them "mom" and "dad" for my health.  I would die without my in laws and what they've done for my family.  

It's not that I can't cry in front of Matt or my in laws, but I try not to.  I hold it in until I'm by myself in the bathroom or when no one's home. That's when I cry.  I don't want to upset Matt or my MIL more than they already are and I definitely can't lose my shit in front of Dominic. Last week, out of fucking nowhere, Matt says, "You know, I barely remember my grandfather Matteo.  Dominic isn't going to remember my dad." Now...what in the fuck do you say to that?!  What?!  I just held his hand and let Matt cry.  I will make damn sure that Dominic remembers his grandfather if it's the last fucking thing I do.  

I know that genie's in bottles, magic wands or fairy dust don't exist, but IF they did, I'd wish for this back.  In the picture, my FIL is healthy, happy & in fucking heaven holding his grandson.  I want this back.  I want this back for my husband.  I want this back for my MIL and SIL.  I want this back for my son.   

Apraxia

On my last "Dominic" post, I expressed my feelings about what we've been going through with his speech delays and it felt good to let it all out.  I don't know what it is about journaling and blogging but it's a different type of expression.  I'm just better at writing my feelings down.  A blank piece of paper is my preferred canvas.

So, Dominic's speech therapist, Megan, wanted a one on one meeting with me about a week after the school conference we had a few months back.  We picked a day, sat down together and she brought up something that I had mentioned my MIL saying to me some time ago, she said,  "Angela, I feel sometimes that we did something wrong w/ Dominic too.  I hear my friends talk on the phone with their grandkids and I think, I didn't do that and I should have even though he didn't talk back, at least he could listen."  Do you have any idea how hard my heart sank into the pit of my stomach? I wanted to cry, SHE thinks she did something wrong too.  It's not just the parents that go through these emotions, it's the grandparents too.  Not that I ever thought that this is just our problem, but I had no idea my MIL felt this way.  So Megan hands me a healthy looking packet on something called, Apraxia.

"Apraxia is a neurological speech disorder in which a person has trouble saying what he or she wants to say correctly and consistently. It is not due to weakness or paralysis of the speech muscles (the muscles of the face, tongue, and lips). It is also known as apraxia or apraxia of speech. The severity can range from mild to severe - completely non-verbal. It is often times of unknown orgin."


"Verbal apraxia is present at birth. It is different from a child who is speech delayed. A child with a speech delay develops speech in the same manner as a normal child, they just do so at a slower rate. It is not something as simple as "their sibling talks for them" or they are stubborn. Children with apraxia do not have the motor planning skills to properly pronounce words.
By between ages 2 - 3 years of age, children are generally diagnosed. Before that it is often just considered a speech delay. The main symptom is the lack of developing speech. If you are concered you should speak to your child's physican. They should screen verbal skills at their well-child check ups. If they suspect a problem they can refer you to a speech and language pathologist skilled in working with young children in your area."

Megan and I talked about it for a bit then asked, "How are you feeling right now?  Are you ok?  Was this too much?  I didn't want to give this to you last year when you first came because I didn't want to upset you or overwhelm you."  To put an actual name other than "speech delay," it was a hard pill to swallow, not gonna lie, BUT had I read the above in the beginning of this journey, I would have lost my shit.  I told her that I appreciated the information, this meeting, her, the teacher and this school.  I truly was ok.  Ok fine maybe I cried a little, but not hysterically.  I wasn't ok before because no matter how many people said to me, "I told you he'd talk." or "You guys are great parents, you didn't do anything wrong."  My feelings are my feelings.  I can't change them and it's not like I wanted to beat myself up over it, but I'm his mother.  It's my job to know what he wants and I wasn't doing that.  

At this point in the game, Dominic is just a talking machine and we are loving every single minute!  No, we don't want him to shut up, no it's not annoying...it's fucking amazing!  No one is happier than Matt and I right now.  NO ONE.  Dominic tells us exactly what he wants now and the frustration level in the house is pretty much non-existant.  Our weekends aren't filled with guessing games and stress anymore, they're filled with sounds of an almost 4 year old talking, talking, talking and holy shit is he funny!  I can go on and on about the things that fly out of his mouth, but we'd be here all day!  Oh ok, fine, I'll give you one ;)  The other morning, Dominic woke up on the "wrong side of the bed" & was a little crabby.  We went to the bathroom to go potty and says to me, "No light mom, take off!" So I turn off the night light.  Later that night he goes potty before bed w/ Matt and he asks Dominic, "What happened to your nightlight?"  D gasps and says, "Who diit?!"  Matt asks, "Who turned it off D?"  Dominic yells, "Mommy diit!"  I yell, "You told me to this morning remember?!"  Dominic says, "Oh yeah! Sawwy mom." :)  Bwaaahahahahaha!!!

It wasn't until my office manager stopped me from "translating" Dominic one day that I realized we were also underestimating our son.  It kills me to know that that's what I've been doing, underestimating him. You guys have NO idea what it was like behind closed doors with this shit when we were in the thick of it.  When I say that toys were literally being thrown at my face, they were.  There were days I was home with him all day and the frustration level was so high that as soon as Matt would come home, I'd leave.  I remember one night, Matt came home at 4:30pm and at 4:31pm I was in the car heading to wherever!  I remember going to the McDonald's drive thru, getting an order of large fries, a large diet coke, sitting in the parking lot alone, stuffing my face and just sobbing because I'd lost my temper w/ Dominic.  I lost my temper with him, like it's his fault that he can't talk right?  Asshole mother of the year is what I felt like.  Again, I am supposed to know what my son wants and what he needs and sometimes I didn't know and that's when the toy would come flying at me.  I would be angry too, I would throw shit too if someone couldn't understand what I was saying, especially if it was my mom and she should know. 

Other mom's around me were enrolling their kids in stuff and I wouldn't because I was afraid that Dominic wouldn't understand or he wouldn't be able to express his feelings the "normal" way.  I forget where we were or what play area we were in but a little boy walked right up to Dominic and started asking him questions and wanted to play with him.  I stood back to see what Dominic would do and he just looked at me as if to say, "I want to play with him, but I don't know what to say."  I then looked at the little boy and said, "Sorry honey, he doesn't talk much but you can still play with him."  He ran off and I heard him say to his mom, "He doesn't talk mom!  I can't play with him!"  Do you realize how heartbroken I was for my son?  He wants to play, he wants to run with the other kids but can't communicate with them.  I can't even begin to imagine how much that fucking sucks. 

When we were in Sicily, all the kids were playing hide and seek, granted they were speaking a completely different language and he didn't understand, but he didn't play with them and no one asked him to play or showed him.  He sat on my lap and we watched them play.  I couldn't take it anymore so I took him to our room, shut the door and we played "Angry Birds" on my phone.  Underestimating Dominic is something that I shouldn't do, especially now, but even with things like a simple song, "Wheels on the Bus" for example.  Every kid should know that right?  Well, I never really sang it to him or taught him because well, he didn't talk.  I never really ran through letters or numbers with him, because well, he didn't talk.  Trust me, I feel like an asshole right now admitting all of this but all I wanted out of life was for Dominic to speak that I didn't care about all of that shit.  My mom joked while we were in Sicily and asked if we were teaching Dominic how to speak Italian and I said to her, "Uma, he can't even speak English right now, let alone Italian!" and we both laughed but it was true.  How am I supposed to speak Korean to him and teach him how to speak English without confusing the utter fuck out of him.  Yes, I realize that children right now are sponges and this is the time to expose him to it, but at one point I felt like we weren't doing him any favors by speaking other languages in the house.  My first language wasn't English, it was Korean.  I was born here, in the US, yet I had to be taught how to speak this language because I had "fresh off the boat" parents who didn't know a lick of English either.  They eventually were relying on me to translate shit for them.  As I say all of this, I'm thankful that Dominic is doing all of this now and not later in life to go through what I did.  I'm shocked I never went through an identity crisis and you think I'm joking.  I'm not.  I live the US, with off the boat parents who were teaching me the "Korean" ways yet I also had to learn the "American" way too.  See, that shit has identity crisis written all over.  ANYWAYS.....

Now that Dominic is in school and is flourishing, singing "Wheels on the Bus" with him in the car is like my most favorite thing do with him.  Yesterday, as we passed "Dominick's" he yelled, "Daddy! Das ma names! Up der! D-O-M..."  Matt had to pick my jaw off the floor and I cried! He recognizes letters, he just pointed out his fucking name!!!!!!  I know now, that I shouldn't have "held him back" so to speak, but it's a fear and that motherly instinct to always want to protect your child.  I'm sure that by the time he starts school full time he'll be fine but I would think, "Oh God what if he can't talk and can't make friends and kids pick on him?"  Again, you have no idea the shit that used to run through my mind.  My point here is, he's doing everything that he's supposed to do by himself now.  He changes his clothes on his own, puts his jacket on, even put his freaking snowsuit and boots on by himself a few days ago!  He even plays hide and seek like a champ!  It's little things that most of us take for granted but not us.  It's the little things that are making a HUGE difference around here.

Last weekend, Matt said to me, "Have you noticed that our days with D have been SO fun because of how much he talks now?"  When I said that no one is happier than us that he's talking....yeah, kinda lied.  My in laws are too, especially my FIL.  He was the quiet worrier.  It wasn't until Dominic started at home therapies that my FIL told me how he was feeling about all of this and it was pretty much how I felt about it.  My FIL was never one to show any emotion until he was diagnosed with cancer.  When it comes to his grandson, he's fucking mush.  You should see his face light up when he's telling me what Dominic said the other day or what funny thing he did to make him laugh.  Depending on the mood and what story it is, I can catch his eyes well up with tears of joy. 

"People come into your life and people leave it...you just have to trust that life has a road mapped out for you."

Orlando Bloom


Not only is Orlando Bloom a hottie, he's right.  In my life, I believe that everything I do, everyone I meet has a purpose.  I am thankful for all of my super supportive friends and family, but when someone is actually going through the same thing that you're going through it's just a little better.  I don't mean to sound ungrateful to the people that have been there for me with things we're going through with my FIL or even with Dominic's speech delays, but it's reality, that someone who's been there, does truly "get it."  Which leads me to mention my friend Tina :)  I just had Dominic and I came across a friend request from a Tina on Facebook.  I had NO idea who she was, didn't even recognize the name but saw that we had mutual friends.  I hit decline and went on my way.  She sent another request a few weeks later and I was like really?  I don't know you!  I asked Matt if her name rang a bell...I see the wheels turning and then, liiiiiightbulb!  He knew her from his high school days, so I messaged her and I'm so glad that I accepted her friend request. 

Tina, getting to know you through messages and becoming your friend has been a blessing not only for me, but for Dominic as well.  Who knew that speech delays would keep us connected!  We were meant to be friends and for that I'm grateful.  Without your guidance through all of this, without your advice, without your friendship, I'd have gone ape-shit crazy and you know I'm not kidding when I say that.  You've "talked me off the ledge" many times, even made me laugh about this and most importantly kept me sane.  We may not talk on a regular basis or hang out much, but when we do we all have SO much fun and I cherish the friendship we have and hope it continues for years to come.  You would always tell me Dominic would be fine.  You praised me on how patient I am with him and I would think to myself, "Hmmmm, maybe I am a good mom.  Maybe I can handle all of this, maybe I am doing an ok job."  You have to know that you are just as great of a mother to Caden.  He's the sweetest little boy and I'm so glad that Dominic can call him his friend.  I see what you do with Caden and how you speak to him and I have learned so much from you, you have no idea.  So with this said....thank you Tina, just thank you.

As far as the Apraxia is concerned, Megan said that there is no test for it to truly diagnose a child or any studies, no medication or a "cure", it's just something that is and what Dominic has.  Of course, it doesn't define him by any means, I know that.  Dominic isn't Apraxia and Apraxia isn't Dominic.  Our son is hilarious, he's sweet, he's kind, he's adorable and he's smart.  Going through all things that come along with a speech delay wasn't easy and we do still have our moments but nothing like what they used to be.  I have to continue to remind myself that things can be so much worse and overall he is a happy and healthy little boy.  I can finally say that I'm proud of us, I'm proud of Matt for being patient with me through this and especially proud of our son for making the strides that he has.  I will be forever grateful to this school, his teacher and his speech therapist.  He has one more year there and then that's it.  I will be a basketcase the day he's done there- a flipping basketcase.  I love, love, love when someone who hasn't seen Dominic in a while say to me, "I can't believe how much he's talking!"  Everytime someone says that to me, a little bit of that heavy weight from before lifts a little bit and inside I beam like the proudest mother on the planet.  Our hard work is actually working. 

I love the sound of his little voice.  We can finally hear our son, finally speak to him, not at him.  When I walk through the door after a shit day at work and hear him running to me, gasp and say, "Mommy here! Missed you mom!"  That right there is the shit, the best moment ever and I cry as I type it out.  I've been waiting years to hear him and it's music to my ears.  When I'm upstairs getting ready or something and I hear my boys downstairs laughing, I stop, sit at the top of the stairs and just listen to them talking to each other.  I sit, listen and cry.  I cry tears of happiness because getting him to this point was hard work.  I cry tears of happiness because all of that hard work is paying off.  When Dominic says something new all I want to do is scream in happiness and he sees it too.  He sees how proud I am and the smile on my son's face because he knows, is all the reward I'll ever need. 

 What is heartache?

For some, it's when you feel like you just can't ever get over breaking up with someone or someone breaking up with you.  For some, it's the loss of a family member, a close friend or a beloved pet.  I think a good majority of us have felt some type of heartache whether it be about love lost or death. 

I punched in the word heartache and it gave me a laundry list of songs about heart break over love and pain.  Again, there are so many different forms of it that you can't just narrow it down to a specific event or song.


Heartache for me is watching someone you love go through pain, it's watching someone you love struggle with something you wish you can take on for them.  It's not knowing the future of any of it or when it'll be taken away from you.  I want more than anything in this world for some magic fairy dust, a genie in a bottle, a fairy godmother or just a good old fashioned wand to make all of this kind of heartache disappear and not just for me...for everyone.  For everyone going through any kind of heartache.

My FIL recentely got a second opinion from an oncologist at Rush University Medical Center.  He is a couple months into some new chemo meds and doing well, or so we thought.  He's broken out into a rashy type thing that's a side effect and is having more......wait for it... pain.  He's back to relying on pain meds and pretty much feels like he's back to square one.  I believe March is when this round was supposed to end.  Now...who knows.  He'll need to do more scans and tests to make sure the tumor hasn't gotten bigger. 

Dominic may not understand what cancer is or what cancer does, BUT he does sense that his nonno is sick, or at least he feels like something is not right.  My MIL told me what he said a few weeks ago that just tore my heart in half.  I've said before that even while undergoing chemo, my in laws still make the trek out here to help us with Dominic which we are also very thankful for.  With that said there was a point where almost a week and a 1/2 went by that I hadn't physically seen them, talked to them yes, seen them no.  Between getting out of work late or which office I'm at, I either just miss them or they have dinner w/out me and leave before traffic gets bad.  My dad said he wanted to do breakfast a few Sunday mornings ago.  He asked to me to invite my in laws too. My FIL, at the time,  looked great!  He also ate like he was going to the chair! ;)  Anyways, what did Dominic say?  My MIL always just guessed at why when my FIL's hair falls out, it's because he looks "different" is why Dominic won't kiss him hello or goodbye.  At the time he wasn't able to communicate why so that was the assumption..... until now and she was right.  She was telling me at breakfast that last week when she asked Dominic, "Why you don't kiss grandpa?"  Dominic said, "Reepa no hair, all gone."  Everyone giggled, because it was cute, but inside it was killing me, absolutely killing me and I wanted to cry.  She was right, he feels that something is different and that's why he doesn't kiss his nonno.  I know that this has to bother my FIL....it has to.  It would bother me.  This also explains why my FIL wears his hat around the house now, so it won't "bother" Dominic so much.  He's in pain, he's tired, he's frustrated but yet wears a hat around the house so make it easy for his grandson.  

All of this is heartache.  

My FIL has hardly any energy to go to the gym, he's always cold and my poor MIL tries to do most of the stuff around the house that my FIL would normally do.  I called one morning to talk to her and my FIL said that she was outside shoveling until their neighbor came by to help with the rest.  Matt has told them repeatedly to call when they need something and they never do.  Damn Italians/Sicilians ;)  They do so much for us & I feel like the least we can do is drive there to cut the grass or shovel, because we would in a heartbeat.  I feel for her because she feels like she has to do all of this because my FIL can't.  All of this just sucks.

I'm so done with all of this, I really am.  If I feel this way, I can only imagine what my FIL feels. 

Under Construction....

When I do these entries, it takes me days. I start it one way, then have an idea or a thought and I jump around and delete things just to put them back in because there is just so much going on.  I truly don't know which way is up anymore to be honest.  

For those of you that don't know....for my in laws last week, it was pretty much from hell.  Last Tuesday was my FIL's chemo session, I usually call after work to check in, see how he's feeling.  There is no answer at home so I call my FIL's cell cuz heaven forbid my MIL get one! :)  She tells me that she's still at the hospital because my FIL had a reaction to the chemo.  She was in the ER w/ him because he was swollen & couldn't breathe.  She was so flustered that she couldn't get half the details out of her mouth.  I can't even begin to decribe how angry I was.  Angry because the shit that is supposed to be "helping" him has now caused him to end up in the ER.  All of this just fell on top of a shitty day at work too, how's that for "icing on the cake?"  I walked in the door and just unleased my emotions in a bad way.  I skipped dinner and went for a run.  I ran less than 1/2 a mile just to go back and tell Matt to go to the hospital.  My FIL apparently had told Matt, "don't worry about it," to which I replied, "I could give 2 shit's what your dad said...your mom is alone.  If you don't go, I WILL."  It was when Matt got home that I had realized the seriousness of it all.  My FIL's face, neck and tounge were so swollen from the reaction that he was foaming at the mouth.  They stuck him with not one, but two epi-pens then rushed him to the ER to hang a bag of Benadryl via I.V. and to flush out the shit they just pumped him with.  I think it goes without saying that my MIL was probably shitting herself in fear because my FIL almost died that night.

I accompanied my in laws to the oncologists appointment this Tuesday.  I felt that someone needed to go. Turns out, one of the meds called "carboplatin" is what he reacted to.  When you exceed a certain # of treatments of this type of chemo you have this reaction.  Why keep giving it then?  Everyone is different, not everyone has this reaction.  He will now only be receiving one chemo med at his sessions.   He is scheduled for a CT scan on the 29th, those results will be read on Dec 4th at his next chemo session.  Waiting is a beautiful thing...said NO ONE EVER.  Maybe it was the stress of the appointment, but Tuesday sucked donkey balls.  I'd forgotten to have my morning coffee which was THE BIGGEST mistake EVER.  I was literally too busy to stop and get coffee, I was a bumbling moron at work and to top off my night...my last new paitient of the night??  A 14 year old cancer survivor who during 3rd and 4th grade went through daily chemo treatments and let's not forget that "icing on the cake.." her fucking husband is currently undergoing chemo himself as he has stage 2 colon cancer.  I hate the "c" word.....hate.  I'd had my fill of it and when I got home, I just stood at the kitchen sink and cried.

When I went to surprise my in laws with a visit last Friday I didn't ask my MIL how she was doing on purpose.  She brought it up by telling me how scared she was and how fast it all happened.  *Cue the strong need to punch a wall*  She said that the look of fear in my FIL's eyes broke her heart and scared her.  "It was like his eyes said, do I have to say goodbye?"  I've said it before and I'll say it again....I cannot even imagine how my poor MIL is hanging on.  Some of you see how stressed I am w/ all of this and he's not even my father.  I see how stressed my husband is, can you imagine what my MIL has to be going through?!  It makes me sick just thinking about it if it were me.  Yet she has to stay strong for him, she has to try and stay positive, she still does and does and does for everyone around her......she needs a fucking medal.

I never want a repeat of last week.  EVER.  

Running helps to keep me sane.  It's the only time that I am alone in my thoughts and the only time I can really let out my frustrations w/ life.  I'm a fun happy drunk, with my emotions on overload I cannot and will not have a drink right now because I do not want to turn into an angry Asian.  Nothing helps w/ any of this shit we're going through with my FIL, no matter how hard I run or how many french fries I eat it just doesn't help.  My desire to go to church and regroup w/ God has never been stronger.  Let's go back to my "signs" shall we?  I see them more and more everyday, leading me to seek a spiritual path to help me because I need to calm the fuck down.  I'm bouncing again but you know the "5 things I'm thankful for today" list I do on FB?  Believe me when I say that I did not want to do it last Tuesday, but I did and I'm glad that I did.  It was fairly thankful, but I made it a point to let it be known that I was angry too.

My friend, Craig had messaged me, asking if I was ok after my "not so good" post.  My intended response was to be quick and to the point.  Instead, it became a vent session that led him to refer me (again) to a church in St. Charles.  He had contacted a friends father who volunteers there to let him know to be expecting me.  I called the church and because he was a volunteer no one knew who he was.  I spoke to a Kristen who simply asked why I wanted to come back to the church, what made me want to call.  Out of left field, I started crying.  Here's the thing...online, over an email I can tell you all day how much I miss my grandma, but when I started telling Kristen that after my grandma died, I had lost my way and stopped going to church is when I just lost it.  She then directed me to the outreach pastor, Andy.  She said he LOVES talking to people in my boat and to talk to him and set something up.  I left a voicemail for Andy who called me back within the hour.  I shared my story, he shared his and he offered to meet with me before the service and sit with me during it as well.  He asked how he would recognize me and I said, "I promise you that I'm the tallest Asian girl you'll ever meet."  Everything about my experience that day was good from the minute I asked the parking lot attendant where the front door was, the nice man walked me to the freaking door.  When Andy greeted me, he said, "Wow, you are the tallest Asian girl!"  Hahahahaahhaaaaa!  He gave me a tour of the church which is ginourmous but welcoming, explained that if/when Dominic comes here, if I choose he can go to the toddler area which looked like so much fun and super secure.  They have a room dedicated to teenagers, which I wish they had when I was going to church, loud thumpin' music and arcade games....uggg...just so cool!  Everything about this church amazed me and I didn't once feel like Andy was trying be car salesman-y :)  The other gentleman that met me there was Don, Craig's friend and can I just say that the kindness of strangers was so overwhelming that day, I can't even begin to tell you.   

I wasn't too emotional during the service, and the service BTW was filled with loud music and a guest speaker who cracked jokes and made me laugh.  I wasn't used to this at all!  I'm used to a crabby old Korean man getting angry during our mass, kneeling and standing, kneeling and standing, then sitting then stand again.  Oh and the organ music, don't forget that!  I missed grandma though and felt bad because she wasn't the one sitting next to me translating everything.  I missed not going to the basement of the church and having donuts with her and sitting with her old lady friends. Most of all I was nervous that she was going to be disappointed in me, disappointed that I wasn't attending a Catholic church.  When my grandma died, my mom gave me her gold cross necklace.  Right before I walked out the door, I grabbed the charm and put it in my jacket pocket.  Everytime I felt like I missed her, I reached into my pocket and held onto it.  I don't want to sound cheesy and say that I "felt" her there, but I do know that she was with me. 

In wrapping up my morning Andy asked me in his AWESOME ENGLISH ACCENT, "Angie, if Jesus Christ walked into this room and sat next to you, what would you ask him?"  WHAT?!  How do I answer that?!? That's like asking me what super hero power I want!!!!  You can't answer that, but I had to and the ONLY question was simply, "WHY?!"  Andy says, "Why what?" I said, crying, "Why cancer?"  I explained that I had more brushes with cancer than I'd like in my life.  I told him about Donnie's diagnosis at 16 months of age.  I told him about my grandparents and my aunt's battle w/ it and how frustrated I was with the fact that my FIL has to deal with it now.  They prayed for me and I left feeling really good, good enough to continue to go every week alone for now, and eventually bring Matt and D with.  I'm doing this for me, but also for my son.  I don't want to be that idiot mom that doesn't know how to answer her son's questions should he have any that pertain to religion.

When I said that I believed wholeheartedly that God has a plan for me, I meant it.  It may not make sense to others BUT Dominic's cough from a month ago that led to the doctors' visits, that led to the nebulizer, that led to that letter with the prayer card, that led to my eyes being "opened" up again that there is a "higher power", that led to my desire for spiritual guidance with all of this stronger, that led to my friend Craig's help, that led to my 1st day at church....it was all for a reason...all part of a plan to get me here...where I am now.  I feel good about this new journey.  It felt good to be excited again about going to church.  It felt good to be so welcomed.  Am I 100% ok spiritually?  Absolutely not, I know that it's a work in progress.  I won't have answers tomorrow, I may never but at least I won't feel "alone."  I have the best support system around me that I DO NOT take for granted, but all of this mental and emotional stress has me so burned out and barely treading water that I had to do something else to fix this and the signs were all there being placed ever so gently in front of me.  Get. Yo'. Ass. Back. To. Church!

Whatever reason we're going through this, whatever reason my FIL is going through this, we may never know.  What I do know is that we're going to be ok.  As a family, we'll do what we need to do to get over this hump.  Will we have days of anger, sure we will.  Will I try a little harder to stop being so angry about this, I'm willing, now, to give it the ol' college try.  Like I said "work in progress"......

I personally don't think it matters what denomination you are to believe in a higher power or God, I personally don't believe that you need to attend church every Sunday to have faith...BUT for me, it seems to be working and I have to hang onto the hope that one day I'll be a stronger person because of it.  I hope that my grandma is sitting next to her old lady friends up there talking about how proud that I even called this church.  It was a HUGE step for me and a nerve wracking one in the process.  I truly believe that what I was the most nervous about was how much this would make me miss my grandmother.  I always miss her, but I knew that in taking this leap it would amplify those feelings.  She was my security blanket at church, I don't have that or her anymore.  That's what hurts the most, that she's not here to hold my hand.  I will never hear her infectious laughter, I will never be able to watch her pray over her food, I will never be able to give her a hug, I will never be able to talk to her about this journey or ask questions about it.

Weather man said it's gonna snow,
By now I should be used to the cold.
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary.
It was only December,
I still remember the presents,the tree, you and me.

But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.

Living alone, here in this place,
I think of you and I'm not afraid.
Your favorite records make me feel better,
Cause you sing along with every song.

I know you didn't mean to give them to me.

But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.

It really sinks in, you know,
When I see it in stone

'Cause you went away
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.

Miranda Lambert "Over You"

Cancer. Chemo. Rest. Repeat.

This was last year's Turkey Day :)  It looks like my FIL's treatments are running their own little pattern here, only difference is, he's miserable this time.  More dependent on pain meds that make him groggy.  Cancer in itself if frustrating, but this time around his frustration level is much higher.  Last year he was MORE energetic on the chemo than this year!  He was going to the gym almost everyday and was eating like a champ.  It's completely different this time.  It's the same chemo which has him so pissed off that it's not working. 

I'm pretty sure after his 3rd session the oncologist, whom I despise, will probably change the chemo med to something different.  My FIL did ask the nurse (who knows more than the fucking oncologist) why it's different this time and she said that they are doing what worked last time.  If it doesn't work after the 3rd treatment they'll change up the meds and it's all expectation too.  Great.  Not only does he have to deal with the physical part of cancer, now it's a mind fuck.  The man can't catch a break.  In general, when you have an expectation of someone or something, and it doesn't happen, who suffers?  You....only you.. NOT the other person.  They can give a fuck because they don't know that that expectation was placed onto them. 

I hate this.  I really do.  Yes... at least we get to spend another Turkey Day with him right?  I know....positive thoughts....I know, but really?  He's miserable, tired, frustrated and confused.  He won't eat much cuz it's after he eats he's in pain, his body temp will change too, he's hot...then he's cold.  He'll leave the table to lay down, watch the game and then pass out from the pain meds and not the turkey.

Last year my FIL asked Matt to shave his head because he knew it would fall out.  This year my poor MIL did it.  I figured that it was her that did, but when I asked Matt who shaved his head and he said my MIL did it, my heart literally sank into the pit of my stomach.  I call to check in when I don't see them during the week and I seriously try NOT to ask my MIL how she is.  It's asshole-ish, but I know what the answer will be & I feel bad as it is that she has to deal with this shit too.  Last week while my FIL was getting stuff ready to leave, I asked her how she was doing.  With a heavy heart she says, "I'm tired Ang, but what are you gonna do.  My husband has to do this, for how long, I don't know, but we have to."  *there is a pause cuz what the fuck am I supposed to say to that, then she says*  "You know when Dominic does something silly and makes us laugh...it all goes away.  My little baba."  Aaaaaaaannnd how am I NOT supposed to cry?!?!?  I didn't, but really?!  I wanted to rip my hair out and scream in frustration for her.   

I don't care who you are, where you are from... NO ONE has in laws like me.  NO ONE.  The man is in fucking pain, can't do shit as far as playing with his grandson, has to rely on my MIL to do everything while they are here cuz he's droggy from pain meds, yet they still drive out here 2-3 times a week to do this for my family.  Words will NEVER be able to express how much I love them and how much I appreciate them for everything that they do for my son and for us.  When I do say "thank you," my FIL says, "For what?"

I get that he's still here, we still get to enjoy his sarcastic company, but it is really, really hard to see this man this way.  Sometimes, I just cry.  I let it out because no amount of wine, no amount of miles that I run helps with this bullshit and he's only my FIL.  I can't even imagine what Matt thinks on a daily basis, let alone my MIL & FIL or my SIL. 

If any of you need gift ideas for me for Christmas...a magic wand or fairy dust to make this fucking shit disappear.  All I want for Christmas is for cancer to take a fucking hike and take all these other bullshit diseases with, so fucking annoying.

Signs

I am all about signs.  What I mean by that is, whether it's an object that crosses your path that reminds you to do something, or seeing something or someone that is reminder of someone or something else.  Does that make sense?  When Matt and I were trying get pregnant w/ little Dominic, that's all I saw were pregnant bellies everywhere.  When I purchased my 1st "big girl" car, that's all I saw on the road....Chevy Equinox's!  Or for others, it's like butterflies, other objects that confirm someone or something is watching over them...those kinda signs.

Other signs...signs from God.  Yes.  I am back on this again.  I don't know what my freaking hang up is with just going to church.  For me, in all honesty, I don't feel that it's neccessary to go to church to have faith, BUT I want to go.  I want to feel the way I did when I went with my grandmother.  I'm scared, there's no hiding that.  I'm an adult and know I won't get bullied but I also don't want to look dumb either and that is a serious fear on my end.  I don't want to be the new kid in Bible study and people eyeing me and thinking..."she doesn't know that Psalm?"  I know, it's so stupid, but it's true.  I feel like I should know the basics and I've been so out of touch I fear that most of it's forgotten.  I just have to stop making excuses and just go.  Just like running.  I was always making excuses and now look at me.... a running machine :)

My point for today is this.  Matt is usually the one who grabs the mail when he comes home.  On my days off I try to get it but at times I don't get to it because I'm too busy in the house with Dominic and/or I forget.  This past Friday, I was at the mailbox 3 times checking to see if my mailbox was full.  Why?  I have NO clue!  It's not like I had a package or a letter that I'd been waiting for!  I even thought it was wierd.  Why the heck are you going out there?!  Before I go into what I received........

I expected with the new full school year Dominic would get the sniffles.... aaaaand shonuff' Dominic had them and then some!!  He's fine now but for about a month he was doing nothing but coughing, sneezing... the freakin' works!!  I'd been doing over-the-counter stuff for a while then it got worse. I ended up taking him to the peds office twice!  He was finally put on an antibiotic and we were also given a nebulizer (breathing treatment machine). 

So... onto my sign.....from God.  The reason why, I think, I kept going to the mailbox because something was telling me to.


The company that we received the nebulizer from, sent a letter thanking me for choosing them and it went into the company's history.  I won't type out the whole thing, but in a nutshell:

"Orsini is a Christ-centered healthcare organization that walks steadily on Faith and strives each day to carry out the healing mission of Jesus Christ.  Our mission is very important to us, so we wanted to take this time to share it with you:

We are full service healthcare company that has dedicated our heart and soul to acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with all those who have entrusted us to care for their lives.

Personally, I believe in the power of prayer and that miracles are possible when you put your faith in the hands of Jesus Christ."

It was signed by the CEO and enclosed was a prayer request card for me to fill out and they would add the person's name to their daily prayer list to keep them in their prayers.

Sign.

And on the card, was this:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 4:6-7

If this isn't a sign... I don't know what is!!  I will be filling out said card but I mean really?!!?  I seriously almost started crying as I read the letter and the card.  When we get junk mail sometimes just looking at the envelope is enough for me to know it's crap in there and I toss into the recycling bin.  I didn't this time and I'm glad...