Reason. Noun.
-A basis or cause, as for some belief, action, fact, event...
-A statement presented in justification or explanation of a belief or action.
- The mental powers concerned with forming conclusions, judgments, or inferences.
- Sound judgment; good sense.
- Normal or sound powers of mind; sanity.
I believe, for me, my life, personally that everything happens for a reason. I may not like these things that happen, but they do. With that said I do have 2 little hang-ups on things happening for a reason.
First hang up.....
Bosco. Matt had him since he was a little pup. He was 4 years old when we put him down. He was THE greatest dog. There are a million reasons why he was the best dog. This dog helped my mom overcome her fear of dogs. I could go on and on about this Boxer. When we put Bosco down and people tried to make us feel better by telling us that when they put their dog of 13 plus years down, I truly wanted to punch them. It sucks putting a dog/pet down at any age, but really? You're trying to make me feel better about putting down my FOUR year old pup when you got to enjoy yours for that long? Yeah. NO. I may never know why we had to let Bosco go so soon, but I know that it happened for a reason.
Second hang up(s).....
I feel like my blog entries are a jumbled mess, so I do apologize for jumping around. I promise I do have a point and the point I'm trying to get to comes down to religion today.
I'll get to the second "hang ups" in a bit, but 1st I need to express that I do believe in God, I believe that my life has been laid out for me, that there is a plan. I believe that He does look out for me and listens when I need Him to. BUT...someway, somehow, I lost my way. I lost my faith, I lost interest, I just got lost. It wasn't when Donnie was diagnosed, that actually just made things worse. It all happened when my maternal grandmother passed away. She was my teacher in religion. We went to a Korean Catholic Church and the priest? Pastor? See how sad that is? I don't even know the title to the person running the joint cuz I'm so out of touch. ANYWAY. He was very Korean and very old, couldn't understand him at times and grandma would translate. She would also pinch the fuck out of my arm when I fell asleep :) After church when all the other kids would hang out and play, the little shits would pick on me and make fun of me so I took off and just hung out with old ladies :) Yes. I got picked on at church. Stupid kids. I'm kinda glad though. I loved spending time with my grandma. When my grandmother passed away I didn't want to go to church anymore. What was the point. The ONLY friend I had at church was now gone. We still went but as soon as I was old enough to say I was done, I stopped going. That's when I got lost.
When people were going through rough times, asked me to "pray" for them, I realize now that I never spoke to God, I always talked to my grandma for guidance. I felt like she helped me, I felt like she listened to me. I went through all the "motions" of being a Catholic, observing Lent and all that jazz, but did it for her, not me and for years I was ok with that. A friend asked me one night at dinner why I observe Lent and I was speechless. Why am I doing this? I don't go to church, I don't know my way around a bible, I'm scared to go back to church, I don't think I want to be Catholic anymore, I'm so screwed up confused. I want a relationship with God, I do... I just don't know how. I want to take Dominic to church, I want to instill values of religion to him, I want him to know enough to make an educated decision on all of this when he can choose for himself. I don't want to be the idiot mom who can't answer religion questions when her kids ask.
I've said before in previous posts that when Donnie was diagnosed I got angry. I took it out on God. Why would he do this to a 16 month old baby? Why? He hasn't even begun to live his life... give it to me (this was before Dominic). My "lost" status on religion and God spiraled out of control and got worse. I was pissed off. I needed a scapegoat. God was my scapegoat. It was my wonderful SIL that snapped me out of that shit and said to me, "God didn't do this to Donnie, you can't be mad at Him. You have to ask Him to help Donnie and his family. Don't be mad at God." As mad as I was in that moment, she was right. I still can't figure out what the reason is for this but maybe I never will. Jess said to me when we were going through all of this with my FIL initially, "Maybe the reason why Don got sick was so that I could help you and Matt with your FIL...."
I'm sorry Jess. I told you I would email you back and I lied. This was my intention all along, don't be mad. You were today's inspiration and yesterday's.
This is what I got from Jessica yesterday morning....
Good morning,
You know how much adore you, right? Well I do, I love you like a fat kid loves cake, I love you like I love my right arm, without you life would be difficult. You are an amazing person inside and out. You take care of everyone, you worry about everyone. I love that you take care of yourself by running a lot of people can't find time for themselves and I think that's important. There is a reason for this email, not just to tell you how much I love you although, yes I needed you to know that.
Here it is, I don't know how much you talk to God. While you run, that would be a good time. I'm not saying go to church, I'm not saying read the bible. I'm saying just talk, talk in the shower, talk while your going to sleep, when you wake up, while on the pot, and while running. Angie he will listen, you will feel so much better. I was brought up in the Catholic church, I went to Catholic school, we went to church every Sunday...then we stopped. Until Donnie got sick. One day, I was at a really low point, I was feeling sad, I was mad, and you know what...there was nothing I could have done about it. If there was anyone who could do something it was God, he was going to lead us to the right doctors, to the right people and he did. I want you to put all your fears, your worries, on God and you will feel so much better. I love you and want you to be taken care of. You need to see the brightside of things, you need to feel like someone is listening and He will and He is.
Ok I'm done.
Love you,
I did EXACTLY what she suggested I do. I got home from work, ran and chit chatted with God. At 1st I was like, how the heck am I supposed to do this while I'm trying to run and breathe...then it all just fell into place. I was running and talking to what seemed like myself, but I didn't care. I was focused on the convo and didn't care what else was around me. Humans naturally want instant gratification in pretty much anything we do so I mentally prepped myself before I started dialing that phone. I said to myself, I said, "Self, you may not get a phone call back soooo just talk and see what happens..."
Here is where my "everything happens for a reason" comes into play, because for me...it does. I know this now. Matt and I were watching "The Voice" (LOVE IT) tonight. A teenaged girl was showcased. The family of 6 plus people live in Cali in a 2 bedroom apartment. She sleeps on the couch and her brothers sleep on the floor. Instantly, you feel for her and some would cry for her. You know what she said? "Other people have it a lot worse than me, so I'm thankful we have a roof over our heads...." That's when I had the *palm to forehead* moment. It worked. Jess was right.
I have to stop giving cancer the satisfaction of my negativity. I have to take that energy and throw it into my family. I have to take the time we have with my FIL and enjoy it to the fullest extent allowed. Don't get it twisted, I still think cancer sucks and is a piece of shit and pissed off at it. I'm not going to skip around and pretend to be "happy go lucky" while my FIL endures round 2 of chemo and is in pain. BUT I realize now that none of this is up to me, none of this is in my control and I'm getting angry at things I cannot control.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the "present."
Jessica, I love you. Thank you for snapping me out of this. First time I read it, I sobbed. Second time, I sobbed again. I have read it about 10 times since yesterday and feel empowered. Thank you for always listening, never judging and never sugar coating. Who needs who now? ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment