When I do these entries, it takes me days. I start it one way, then have an idea or a thought and I jump around and delete things just to put them back in because there is just so much going on. I truly don't know which way is up anymore to be honest.
For those of you that don't know....for my in laws last week, it was pretty much from hell. Last Tuesday was my FIL's chemo session, I usually call after work to check in, see how he's feeling. There is no answer at home so I call my FIL's cell cuz heaven forbid my MIL get one! :) She tells me that she's still at the hospital because my FIL had a reaction to the chemo. She was in the ER w/ him because he was swollen & couldn't breathe. She was so flustered that she couldn't get half the details out of her mouth. I can't even begin to decribe how angry I was. Angry because the shit that is supposed to be "helping" him has now caused him to end up in the ER. All of this just fell on top of a shitty day at work too, how's that for "icing on the cake?" I walked in the door and just unleased my emotions in a bad way. I skipped dinner and went for a run. I ran less than 1/2 a mile just to go back and tell Matt to go to the hospital. My FIL apparently had told Matt, "don't worry about it," to which I replied, "I could give 2 shit's what your dad said...your mom is alone. If you don't go, I WILL." It was when Matt got home that I had realized the seriousness of it all. My FIL's face, neck and tounge were so swollen from the reaction that he was foaming at the mouth. They stuck him with not one, but two epi-pens then rushed him to the ER to hang a bag of Benadryl via I.V. and to flush out the shit they just pumped him with. I think it goes without saying that my MIL was probably shitting herself in fear because my FIL almost died that night.
I accompanied my in laws to the oncologists appointment this Tuesday. I felt that someone needed to go. Turns out, one of the meds called "carboplatin" is what he reacted to. When you exceed a certain # of treatments of this type of chemo you have this reaction. Why keep giving it then? Everyone is different, not everyone has this reaction. He will now only be receiving one chemo med at his sessions. He is scheduled for a CT scan on the 29th, those results will be read on Dec 4th at his next chemo session. Waiting is a beautiful thing...said NO ONE EVER. Maybe it was the stress of the appointment, but Tuesday sucked donkey balls. I'd forgotten to have my morning coffee which was THE BIGGEST mistake EVER. I was literally too busy to stop and get coffee, I was a bumbling moron at work and to top off my night...my last new paitient of the night?? A 14 year old cancer survivor who during 3rd and 4th grade went through daily chemo treatments and let's not forget that "icing on the cake.." her fucking husband is currently undergoing chemo himself as he has stage 2 colon cancer. I hate the "c" word.....hate. I'd had my fill of it and when I got home, I just stood at the kitchen sink and cried.
When I went to surprise my in laws with a visit last Friday I didn't ask my MIL how she was doing on purpose. She brought it up by telling me how scared she was and how fast it all happened. *Cue the strong need to punch a wall* She said that the look of fear in my FIL's eyes broke her heart and scared her. "It was like his eyes said, do I have to say goodbye?" I've said it before and I'll say it again....I cannot even imagine how my poor MIL is hanging on. Some of you see how stressed I am w/ all of this and he's not even my father. I see how stressed my husband is, can you imagine what my MIL has to be going through?! It makes me sick just thinking about it if it were me. Yet she has to stay strong for him, she has to try and stay positive, she still does and does and does for everyone around her......she needs a fucking medal.
I never want a repeat of last week. EVER.
Running helps to keep me sane. It's the only time that I am alone in my thoughts and the only time I can really let out my frustrations w/ life. I'm a fun happy drunk, with my emotions on overload I cannot and will not have a drink right now because I do not want to turn into an angry Asian. Nothing helps w/ any of this shit we're going through with my FIL, no matter how hard I run or how many french fries I eat it just doesn't help. My desire to go to church and regroup w/ God has never been stronger. Let's go back to my "signs" shall we? I see them more and more everyday, leading me to seek a spiritual path to help me because I need to calm the fuck down. I'm bouncing again but you know the "5 things I'm thankful for today" list I do on FB? Believe me when I say that I did not want to do it last Tuesday, but I did and I'm glad that I did. It was fairly thankful, but I made it a point to let it be known that I was angry too.
My friend, Craig had messaged me, asking if I was ok after my "not so good" post. My intended response was to be quick and to the point. Instead, it became a vent session that led him to refer me (again) to a church in St. Charles. He had contacted a friends father who volunteers there to let him know to be expecting me. I called the church and because he was a volunteer no one knew who he was. I spoke to a Kristen who simply asked why I wanted to come back to the church, what made me want to call. Out of left field, I started crying. Here's the thing...online, over an email I can tell you all day how much I miss my grandma, but when I started telling Kristen that after my grandma died, I had lost my way and stopped going to church is when I just lost it. She then directed me to the outreach pastor, Andy. She said he LOVES talking to people in my boat and to talk to him and set something up. I left a voicemail for Andy who called me back within the hour. I shared my story, he shared his and he offered to meet with me before the service and sit with me during it as well. He asked how he would recognize me and I said, "I promise you that I'm the tallest Asian girl you'll ever meet." Everything about my experience that day was good from the minute I asked the parking lot attendant where the front door was, the nice man walked me to the freaking door. When Andy greeted me, he said, "Wow, you are the tallest Asian girl!" Hahahahaahhaaaaa! He gave me a tour of the church which is ginourmous but welcoming, explained that if/when Dominic comes here, if I choose he can go to the toddler area which looked like so much fun and super secure. They have a room dedicated to teenagers, which I wish they had when I was going to church, loud thumpin' music and arcade games....uggg...just so cool! Everything about this church amazed me and I didn't once feel like Andy was trying be car salesman-y :) The other gentleman that met me there was Don, Craig's friend and can I just say that the kindness of strangers was so overwhelming that day, I can't even begin to tell you.
I wasn't too emotional during the service, and the service BTW was filled with loud music and a guest speaker who cracked jokes and made me laugh. I wasn't used to this at all! I'm used to a crabby old Korean man getting angry during our mass, kneeling and standing, kneeling and standing, then sitting then stand again. Oh and the organ music, don't forget that! I missed grandma though and felt bad because she wasn't the one sitting next to me translating everything. I missed not going to the basement of the church and having donuts with her and sitting with her old lady friends. Most of all I was nervous that she was going to be disappointed in me, disappointed that I wasn't attending a Catholic church. When my grandma died, my mom gave me her gold cross necklace. Right before I walked out the door, I grabbed the charm and put it in my jacket pocket. Everytime I felt like I missed her, I reached into my pocket and held onto it. I don't want to sound cheesy and say that I "felt" her there, but I do know that she was with me.
In wrapping up my morning Andy asked me in his AWESOME ENGLISH ACCENT, "Angie, if Jesus Christ walked into this room and sat next to you, what would you ask him?" WHAT?! How do I answer that?!? That's like asking me what super hero power I want!!!! You can't answer that, but I had to and the ONLY question was simply, "WHY?!" Andy says, "Why what?" I said, crying, "Why cancer?" I explained that I had more brushes with cancer than I'd like in my life. I told him about Donnie's diagnosis at 16 months of age. I told him about my grandparents and my aunt's battle w/ it and how frustrated I was with the fact that my FIL has to deal with it now. They prayed for me and I left feeling really good, good enough to continue to go every week alone for now, and eventually bring Matt and D with. I'm doing this for me, but also for my son. I don't want to be that idiot mom that doesn't know how to answer her son's questions should he have any that pertain to religion.
When I said that I believed wholeheartedly that God has a plan for me, I meant it. It may not make sense to others BUT Dominic's cough from a month ago that led to the doctors' visits, that led to the nebulizer, that led to that letter with the prayer card, that led to my eyes being "opened" up again that there is a "higher power", that led to my desire for spiritual guidance with all of this stronger, that led to my friend Craig's help, that led to my 1st day at church....it was all for a reason...all part of a plan to get me here...where I am now. I feel good about this new journey. It felt good to be excited again about going to church. It felt good to be so welcomed. Am I 100% ok spiritually? Absolutely not, I know that it's a work in progress. I won't have answers tomorrow, I may never but at least I won't feel "alone." I have the best support system around me that I DO NOT take for granted, but all of this mental and emotional stress has me so burned out and barely treading water that I had to do something else to fix this and the signs were all there being placed ever so gently in front of me. Get. Yo'. Ass. Back. To. Church!
Whatever reason we're going through this, whatever reason my FIL is going through this, we may never know. What I do know is that we're going to be ok. As a family, we'll do what we need to do to get over this hump. Will we have days of anger, sure we will. Will I try a little harder to stop being so angry about this, I'm willing, now, to give it the ol' college try. Like I said "work in progress"......
I personally don't think it matters what denomination you are to believe in a higher power or God, I personally don't believe that you need to attend church every Sunday to have faith...BUT for me, it seems to be working and I have to hang onto the hope that one day I'll be a stronger person because of it. I hope that my grandma is sitting next to her old lady friends up there talking about how proud that I even called this church. It was a HUGE step for me and a nerve wracking one in the process. I truly believe that what I was the most nervous about was how much this would make me miss my grandmother. I always miss her, but I knew that in taking this leap it would amplify those feelings. She was my security blanket at church, I don't have that or her anymore. That's what hurts the most, that she's not here to hold my hand. I will never hear her infectious laughter, I will never be able to watch her pray over her food, I will never be able to give her a hug, I will never be able to talk to her about this journey or ask questions about it.
Weather man said it's gonna snow,
By now I should be used to the cold.
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary.
It was only December,
I still remember the presents,the tree, you and me.
But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.
Living alone, here in this place,
I think of you and I'm not afraid.
Your favorite records make me feel better,
Cause you sing along with every song.
I know you didn't mean to give them to me.
But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.
It really sinks in, you know,
When I see it in stone
'Cause you went away
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.
Miranda Lambert "Over You"
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