Dear Cancer, I hate your life......

Today is my FIL's birthday.

Dominic and I called him this morning to wish him a happy birfday.  Since the flood gates of my son's mouth have opened ALOT since my last post about him, it's actually FUN talking to him on the phone.  In Dominic's way he said happy birthday to his papa this morning!  I have a phone earpiece that looks like headphones so I put one ear bud in my ear and the other in Dominic's and the laughter I heard from my FIL brought me to tears this morning. 

Yesterday was his 2nd chemo session.  A few days before that he'd been having "good" days, meaning he didn't need to take any pain meds.  Of course he's feeling great 2 days before his chemo session, just to do it all over again.  Of course.

We're all frustrated that this time around chemo isn't really relieving his pain, he's constantely popping pain pills, yet still drives all the way out here with my MIL to watch Dominic 2-3 times a week!  I feel awful that my MIL has to do everything and watch Dominic too because my FIL is too weak or too tired or in too much pain to play with his grandson.  Still, he tries though, he'll take Dominic outside when he can but I know it's hard and it breaks my fucking heart....

Two posts ago I told myself that I wouldn't let cancer bring me down anymore, I told myself that I will take full advantage of the fact that my FIL is still here and fighting, I told myself that I wouldn't let cancer win by my negativity.  Today, I lose....

I was overwhelmed with it this week, so much that I stress ate like a heffer, actually I have been all week.  Last night when I talked to my FIL about his session he told me that he had vented his frustrations to the oncology nurse, Patty (LOVE HER).  She told FIL that they are following the treatment plan that worked last time.  FIL stated that this time feels different in that there is more pain and alot less energy.  Patty says it will take time and after a few more sessions and a CT scan, if it's not working, they'll go another route with a different type of chemo.  Great.

Today, I worked on a patient who was recentely diagnosed with leukemia (I refuse to capitalize that fucking "el" letter).  I tried to be "cool" like I am with all the patients I work on, but I didn't and for whatever reason, I couldn't.  I felt like an asshole.  I went to clean some stuff and teared up.  Flashes of Donnie's face came to my mind, flashes of my FIL sitting there while being pumped with poison came to my mind.  I had to shake it off, I can't let the patient or anyone here see me cry was my thought.  All I wanted to do when I walked her out to her mom was give both a huge fucking hug.  I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry.  It was FINALLY time to go home and hang with my boys.  Relax.  Dinner. Couch.  Bed.  Or so I thought.....

Everyday I check Dominic's backpack for new art, newsletters, notes from his teacher or speech therapist.  I open his folder and there's an "official" looking letter.  It starts.... "It is with great sadness...."  A teacher  at the school had passed away.  The letter stated that she was diagnosed with cancer before school started.  OF COURSE SHE DID!  Cancer is like the new fucking cold isn't it?!?!?  Everyone fucking has it don't they!!??!  WHAT. THE. FUCK.  This explained why every teacher at the school drop off was sobbing as they came and got the kids yesterday morning.

I am so exhausted and tired of this shit.  I really and truly am.  SOOOO fucking done. DONE.  For someone stress eating this whole fucking week....I lost my appetite while trying to eat dinner and reading this letter from school.  I read it 3 times.  I thought of my patient today.  I thought of Donnie, I thought of my FIL.  I was beyond overwhelmed with sadness that I buried my face into my hands and cried.  Thank God Matt was upstairs with Dominic giving him a bath.  I didn't want either of them to see me cry.  I didn't want to upset either of them. 

I guess everyone is entitled to a "pity party" day huh?  This week sucked.  Today...sucked.  I feel drained.  Tomorrow is new.  I tell you today cancer, you win, you sucked all emotion from me.  Tomorrow I tell you exactly what that picture says above.  Fuck you.