This was last year's Turkey Day :) It looks like my FIL's treatments are running their own little pattern here, only difference is, he's miserable this time. More dependent on pain meds that make him groggy. Cancer in itself if frustrating, but this time around his frustration level is much higher. Last year he was MORE energetic on the chemo than this year! He was going to the gym almost everyday and was eating like a champ. It's completely different this time. It's the same chemo which has him so pissed off that it's not working.
I'm pretty sure after his 3rd session the oncologist, whom I despise, will probably change the chemo med to something different. My FIL did ask the nurse (who knows more than the fucking oncologist) why it's different this time and she said that they are doing what worked last time. If it doesn't work after the 3rd treatment they'll change up the meds and it's all expectation too. Great. Not only does he have to deal with the physical part of cancer, now it's a mind fuck. The man can't catch a break. In general, when you have an expectation of someone or something, and it doesn't happen, who suffers? You....only you.. NOT the other person. They can give a fuck because they don't know that that expectation was placed onto them.
I hate this. I really do. Yes... at least we get to spend another Turkey Day with him right? I know....positive thoughts....I know, but really? He's miserable, tired, frustrated and confused. He won't eat much cuz it's after he eats he's in pain, his body temp will change too, he's hot...then he's cold. He'll leave the table to lay down, watch the game and then pass out from the pain meds and not the turkey.
Last year my FIL asked Matt to shave his head because he knew it would fall out. This year my poor MIL did it. I figured that it was her that did, but when I asked Matt who shaved his head and he said my MIL did it, my heart literally sank into the pit of my stomach. I call to check in when I don't see them during the week and I seriously try NOT to ask my MIL how she is. It's asshole-ish, but I know what the answer will be & I feel bad as it is that she has to deal with this shit too. Last week while my FIL was getting stuff ready to leave, I asked her how she was doing. With a heavy heart she says, "I'm tired Ang, but what are you gonna do. My husband has to do this, for how long, I don't know, but we have to." *there is a pause cuz what the fuck am I supposed to say to that, then she says* "You know when Dominic does something silly and makes us laugh...it all goes away. My little baba." Aaaaaaaannnd how am I NOT supposed to cry?!?!? I didn't, but really?! I wanted to rip my hair out and scream in frustration for her.
I don't care who you are, where you are from... NO ONE has in laws like me. NO ONE. The man is in fucking pain, can't do shit as far as playing with his grandson, has to rely on my MIL to do everything while they are here cuz he's droggy from pain meds, yet they still drive out here 2-3 times a week to do this for my family. Words will NEVER be able to express how much I love them and how much I appreciate them for everything that they do for my son and for us. When I do say "thank you," my FIL says, "For what?"
I get that he's still here, we still get to enjoy his sarcastic company, but it is really, really hard to see this man this way. Sometimes, I just cry. I let it out because no amount of wine, no amount of miles that I run helps with this bullshit and he's only my FIL. I can't even imagine what Matt thinks on a daily basis, let alone my MIL & FIL or my SIL.
If any of you need gift ideas for me for Christmas...a magic wand or fairy dust to make this fucking shit disappear. All I want for Christmas is for cancer to take a fucking hike and take all these other bullshit diseases with, so fucking annoying.
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