I run because....

My thoughts today are a compilation of 2 things that will intertwine. 


1. My love/respect for running

2. My FIL

They'll make sense, at least in my head it does....let's start w/ running.


Do you remember my post from last year?  The one where I said that I wanted a 26.2 sticker on my bumper?  Well, I am now the proud owner of a 13.1 sticker!!  The girl who gave up on running and herself several times is now official and I LOVE it.  I have a whole new respect for runners and a whole new outlook on my body.  My body is doing things that I never thought it was capable of doing.  I'M doing things that I never thought I was capable of doing.  When people told me they ran for the mental aspect and NOT physical, I didn't get it to be honest.  Now....I do.....

This is the reason I started running, my cousin Eric.  Cute isn't he?  He's single.  Sorry Eric ;)  He flew in from Cali for my cousin Jen's wedding 2 years ago.  Matt went to get him from O'Hare & when Eric walked through the door I got the shock of my life!!  I was able to wrap my arms around my cousin.  He had lost a person in weight!!! 150lbs....GONE!!!  I couldn't believe he hadn't said anything or posted any photos on FaceBook!!  You poop!  As we talked about how he had started to lose the weight, he said that he just went out and ran one day and has been ever since, he also dabbles in triathlons.  I was SO fucking proud of him & still am!! That's when my wheels started turning.  "If Eric can do this...so can I!"  I always envied runners, I wanted to be a runner.  He was my inspiration and continues to be.  Thank you Eric, I love you.

I know I've posted this picture before....this was my very 1st 5k w/ wifey Jen!  :)  She made me sign up ;) and I'm so glad she did.  It was exhilarating to cross that finish line and it was also a great kick start to my running "career."  Thanks for making me sign up wife, it was the best thing for me!  I've been running ever since!!  I love you.

This is Marybeth.  We ran the Rock n' Roll Chicago 1/2 marathon together, well not together-together, but...you know what I mean.  She's taught me a lot about running and a whole lot about myself.  Marybeth slapped this on my FaceBook wall the day before our 1/2 marathon along with other mantra's that totally helped me that morning.  Thanks friend, I love you!! :)

An excerpt from an article by John Bingham called, "No Need For Speed"

"...I AM A RUNNER because I know what effort feels like, and I embrace it. I know when I'm pushing the limits of my comfort and why I'm doing it. I know that heavy breathing and an accelerated heart rate - things I once avoided - are necessary if I want to be a better runner.
I AM A RUNNER because I value and respect my body. It will whisper to me when I've done too much. And if I choose to listen to that whisper, my body won't have to scream in pain later on.
I AM A RUNNER because I am willing to lay it all on the line. I know that every finish line has the potential to lift my spirits to new highs or devastate me, yet I line up anyway.
I AM A RUNNER because I know that despite my best efforts, I will always want more from myself. I will always want to know my limits so that I can exceed them.
I AM A RUNNER because I run. Not because I run fast. Not because I run far.
I AM A RUNNER because I say I am. And no one can tell me I'm not."

Next to giving birth to my son, running the 1/2 was THE hardest thing that I'd ever done.  If you told me 3 years ago that I'd be running 13.1 miles, I would have laughed in your face and said, "prooooobably not..."  Lesson here: NEVER say NEVER.  I finished it in a little over 3 hours.  I truly didn't give a crap about the time.  I just wanted to cross that finish line, that was the only goal.  I was so fucking proud of myself you have NO idea.

Aaaaaand this is THE BEST little running group EVER!  We're the "Resolution Runners."  We are made up of runners and walkers.  Anyone can join ;) and I love the shit out of them.  We do 1-2 5k's a month, if not more.  They keep me going.  They keep me motivated and they're fucking awesome.  Running for me is therapy.  I may not hit my goal in distance every time I get out there, but it clears my head.  It keeps me sane and trust me...you want me sane.

Now, let's touch on my FIL.  When he was going through all that pain before the diagnosis I ran to release my thoughts into the world.  I didn't want them in my head anymore & it helped.  At the time I was running on the treadmill and I ran for him, as silly as it sounds, I did.  When my shin pain started up I was like (in my head), "Dude, dad's back is killing him & you complain of shin pain?!"  I still have the pic on my phone of how many miles I clocked that night.  4.3 miles.  I did it to push myself but it was my "punching bag" too.  Like I said, I ran to release some of that negative energy into the world.  Running is also so much cheaper then going to my therapist!  :)  Can you imagine the bill?!!?

I have a VERY addictive personality.  I'd say that I am addicted to running.  I promised Matt that I would rest one full week after the 1/2 marathon and all I wanted to do that week was run!!!  :)  My other addiction....SUGAR!!  Ask any bag of Skittles, Starburst... just candy in general.  Once I tear into the stash of candy at work, I'm done. I can't just have one piece, I can polish off a bag of Skittles in seconds. There are days at work that I'll walk back and forth to the lab to stuff my face full of that glorious sugar.  Another addiction, well not really an addiction is wine.  I disliked the stuff before, some were too sour and just gross.  My point here is that I run so I don't sit on my ass and pound 2 glasses of wine or polish off a bag of Tootsie Roll Pops to release the "stress" of all this.  Addictive personality, stress eater, add all that up and it's a no good situation.  I'm also a cheap date, one drink and I'm lit.  The day after my FIL's official diagnosis, Matt, Dominic and I went to dinner and I had a VERY strong margarita, 2 actually now that I think about it.  I understood that night why people drink their problems away because in that short time that I had consumed those margarita's and was tipsy, the cancer was a non issue all of a sudden, we'd get through this as a family.  It was no biggie, nothing to stress about and that wasn't ok w/ me.  I'm not trying to say I'm a drunk but now I see why people turn to the bottle to numb their pain.

I failed to mention that after his CT scan, the doc ordered an MRI & a bone scan.  Yay for more tests!!! :/  He received the results last Wednesday and he starts chemo Tuesday.... again.  And again, if you are close to me and are finding all this shit out through my blog, I truly do apologize.  It's just so much harder to talk about because it's really real now.  Not that his cancer and chemo and radiation treatments weren't real before, but this shit is back, not fucking around.  The tumor grew enough to cause more pain. That's the whole point in my fucking freaking out mentally.  It's back. There isn't a fucking week that goes by that Matt doesn't come home and tell me that someone at work just lost their loved one because their cancer came back.  Like what the fuck!!  Notice when I was talking about running I only dropped the F bomb once?  I hate cancer.  I may talk alot of shit but if cancer was a tangible being, I'd beat the living snot out of it.

We had dinner w/ my in laws on Thursday.  On the way home Matt says to me in the car, "Remember that guy I told you about whose wife's cancer came back?  She passed away this morning."  I said, "Of course she did!!!!!" :( She left behind, not only her husband but their two sons, 8 and 6 years old. Again.  WHAT THE FUCK.  Really?  So we're those people now & can hear the convo's already.... "Have you talked to Matt?  His dad's tumor grew.  He's back to chemo."  That's us.  Again.

I asked Matt how my FIL was on Wednesday, he said teary eyed & so was my MIL.  When I spoke to my FIL that evening, I asked how he was doing.  "This is why I wanted to wait until the end of October because I was scared.  What are you gonna do though, I have to do it again, that's all.  Don't worry about it Ang, ok?" Not many things phase my FIL, so when he tells me he's scared, that's when I was scared too.  I wanted to crawl in a hole for several reasons but mainly because I did feel bad being "pushy" to make him go.  Matt was the one who ended up calling the nurse but I needed to make sure someone did push him to go early.  He only needs chemo once every 3 weeks as of now.  Who's to say that it wouldn't have been more had he waited til the end of October?   

Matt is stressed the fuck out at work, he can't sleep, can hardly keep his eyes open at 8pm, when he does sleep it's only for a few hours which leads to his migraines...repeat that shit every fucking day & you have my poor husband right now.  I feel utterly helpless when it comes to my husband, SIL and MIL.  I feel awful that we have to go through this, I feel awful that my FIL has to do this again.  I feel awful that I put my parents on the back burner at times because I'm so focused on my in laws.  They totally understand why I don't call as much or don't do as much with them, but I still feel like I'm doing a shit job as their daughter. 

I know that I have to be "the rock" right now which is fine, it's a job that I know I can do but I started freaking out about work and who's going to take care of D?  Do I have to quit?  Do I have to cut my hours again?  I'm in a new position at work that I really can't take off that easily anymore. Who's gonna get Dominic off the bus?  Who's gonna feed him lunch?  Matt can't take days off to stay home, he needs to be with dad if he can.  All of this was playing in my head before we found out he needs more chemo.  I work for people that completely understand the situation & have always worked with me so I wasn't too worried but Dominic was still on my head. My in laws are his main caregivers, so now what?  With that part said, I live in THE best fucking 'hood.  EVER ;) Our neighbors have stepped up and helped us out SO much last week!  Everything from getting D off the bus, lunch and just hangin' out with him.  Obviously, family will always be #1 for me & if worse comes to worse and I have to stay home one day so be it, but reality is....I have bills to pay too. 

If you're still with me and reading this.  Thank you.  It means alot that you take the time to read it.  I'm not the most positive person sometimes, but let's face it, NOTHING about cancer is positive.  NOTHING.  I wish I could be the "glass 1/2 full" person, but that's not me, especially with this.  I'm a pessimist by nature and I would love, love, love NOT to be but the reality of all of this is that my FIL has to do it all over again.  Yes, I know he is still here, don't think for a second that I take that for granted BUT because of where the tumor is, because of what we're dealing with, it's hard to stay as positive as I'd like.  He will never know the phrase "cancer free" and this isn't me being a pessimist, this is a fact.  No doctor in their right mind will ever touch my FIL's tumor.  When I say it's on his spine, let me remind you that it's not just on his spine...that piece of shit is wrapped around his spine and a fucking artery no less. 

This is why I run.  I run because I don't want to pay therapy bills anymore.  I run because I want to improve my 5k time.  I run for exercise.  I run because it keeps me sane.  I run to release all of this bullshit into the world so it isn't stuck in my head on repeat. 

While I have running to keep me sane. I often wonder... what does Matt have?  I wish that Matt had a "release", something that he loves to do to keep his mind busy.  Then it hit me.  He does have a release....our son.

When Matt comes home and I see the stress in his face, I wish there was something more I could do than just a hug him or kiss him and tell him everything will be ok.  I wish I can put him in a room full of pricey china w/ a very heavy bat.  I wish he would run with me.... 

So, on those stressed out days, I say hi then I leave the room to go do whatever and then out of nowhere I hear Dominic's uncontrollable laughter because Matt is going to town on his ribs ;)  Isn't it amazing what the sound of a child's laugh can do for your soul?   There are afternoons that I will be upstairs doing something and hear Dominic and Matt laughing away and I will stop, sit on the stairs and just listen & absorb it.  Matt loves being with Dominic, Matt loves making him laugh, Matt needs Dominic ...we all do.  Dominic is everyone's break from this.  It amazes me that a 3 and 1/2 year old holds this kind of power and he doesn't even fucking know it.  I've been keeping a journal (which I'm SO fucking behind on) since the day I found out I was pregnant with D & when shit hit the fan with FIL's cancer, I debated..."Do I write it all down?  Do I tell D everything?  Even the bad stuff?"  I have to.  I have to be honest so that when he does read these he'll understand how much his "pa" loves him, how much his "pa" needs him......