Titanium

You shout it loud, but I can't hear a word you say

I'm talking loud, not saying much

I'm criticized, but all your bullets ricochet

You shoot me down, but I get up
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim fire away, fire away

You shoot me down, but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down, but I won't fall

I am titanium
Cut me down, but it's you who'll have further to fall

Ghost town and haunted love

Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones

I'm talking loud, not saying much
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim fire away, fire away you shoot me down, but I won't fall

I am titanium you shoot me down, but I won't fall

I am titanium 

Stone hard, machine gun Fired at the ones who run

Stone hard, as bulletproof glass
You shoot me down, but I won't fall

I am titanium

David Guetta feat. Sia

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When I listen to music, I listen to the words.  I try and figure out what it means.  I try to relate to it.  I'm sure I'm not the only one, but at the same time I know there are people out there who just listen to listen, not for meaning. 

The above song is paired with a "shake your ass" kind of rhythym in which I do shake my ass and run to.  With this said, as I run and Sia is screaming "I am titaniuuuuuuumm", I'm like hell yeah, I'm gonna run my ass off.  It wasn't until a 13 year old girl on The X Factor toned the song down and sung it slowly and VERY well I might add, that it caught my attention differentely.  The lyrics spoke to me and I started crying.  One because she sung it well and two....well because this is how I feel with EVERYTHING right now.  EVERYTHING. 

Jessica said to me, "It looks like you have to be the rock..." that's me.  I am titanium.  Every time that cancer sneaks out of someone's mouth, everytime my FIL tells me he feels loopy and "mushy" from his pain meds, everytime I see stress in my husband, MIL and SIL, everytime I talk about how much I hate my FIL's oncologist, everytime my MIL tells me that all my FIL was sleep all day because of his meds, everytime I see that my FIL can't play with Dominic like he wants to because he's in pain, everytime, everytime, everytime I see the pain that my FIL is going through I can't show my vulnerability, I have to be the rock.  I have to be titanium.  On my runs now I do still hold onto what Jess told me to do.  Leave it in God's hands.  In all honesty, talking to Him has helped a great deal.  I was talking to my friend Jo on our walk and epiphanied (yes, that's a word in my happy land) that maybe before I dive into church with both feet, I should go alone, get my feet wet a little, get used to it all again.  I'm hoping along with just talking to him this way, going to church again will actually make me feel better.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't care what people think of me, we all care in some way.  I have often thought, are people thinking why am I making, not a big deal, but making this about me?  Does that make sense?  It's stupid.  I know, but I wonder do people think, "it's just her FIL"  or why am I so upset?  UGG.. see... see what this shit does to me?!  Cancer gets me so fucked up upset that I start over thinking EVERYTHING.  Then my rational side is like, "shut up dude, this IS your family, this is your SON'S grandfather, your husbands father, of course this has to do with you too!" 

The other night, out of fucking nowhere, Matt says, "I don't think the chemo is working.  He's in too much pain.  I think this is it for him."  Now....what the FUCK do I say to THAT?!  I was taken aback because my husband is a fighter.  He does NOT give up... he just doesn't.  It's not his nature.  So this statement, I saw, as my husband kinda throwing in the towel.  I hugged him and said, "You can't think that way Matt.  You can't."  That was it.  How do I respond to that?!?!?  And as always, my wonderful BFFAE texts me asking how FIL is and I text back, "like shit."  I proceed to tell her what Matt says and she advised that I tell him that if that is the way he truly feels then to enjoy each day until the end.  A few weeks before the gauntlet fell and we didn't know the plan yet, my MIL was looking at a family photo we took last year in the fall.  She asked me if we were going to do that again because the colors were so nice and she enjoyed it.  I said no because it was just done last year.  Now that all of this stupid crap is happening I find myself trying to get my family together to do it again....I shouldn't have said no huh??

I also need/want to take this opportunity to apologize. I apologize, from the bottom of my heart for sucking as a friend lately.  I know I don't have to explain myself to anyone, BUT I feel awful as a friend, as a daughter, as a cousin, as a sister that I haven't called, texted, emailed.  I'm one person and can't be and do everything.  I'm not trying to sound like an asshole when I said the last sentence and I'm not saying that you guys aren't busy with your lives, but I am putting my all into my in laws right now and right now that is all that matters to me.  I know you guys understand, but please just be patient with my current level of suckiness as a friend, as a daughter, as a cousin, as a sister.  I'm trying my darndest to shoot a quick text, to try and make a call, make plans or even an email but by the end of the day I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep for 10 hours.  You guys know I love you.  You guys know I care.  Just bear with me please.....