WHOA!

Close to a year since a post huh?!  Can you tell I was busy?!  Kinda glad I decided to do this as I haven't in a while!  I will also remind you that as this is  my blog that entails all of my feelings. You will see me dropping alot of "f" bombs, so if that's not your thing, just hit that little red "x" on the upper right hand corner because I'm that stressed and frustrated this week.... you'll see why, but 1st................

Sicily!  Finally!  After years of talking about it, we got clearance from the tower to go!

All my FIL wanted out of this life was to take his grandson to Sicily.  I love this picture.  3 generations of Grasso men.  Beautiful isn't it?  We couldn't go last summer because my FIL was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma.  Don't bother google-ing it & I refuse to capitalize the letters.  He's not the "norm" case, norm as in the cancer is ON his skin....nope.. he's in the 5% of the fucking population that gets this type of skin cancer on his fucking spine AND wrapped around a major artery. 

I notice that people toss around the phrase "FML" for THE stupidest shit, traffic, bad day at work, etc.  THIS IS FML people....THIS... cancer. I told you guys I hate cancer right?  Yeah.  I do.  My mom's side of the family is riddled with it.  I lost my maternal grandparents to it.  I lost my aunt to it.  I don't neccesarily live in fear that my mom will have it, but the thought does scare the fucking shit out of me.  I will quote my friend Lindsey here..."I wish cancer would get cancer and die."  Don't we all.

So, back to my FIL.  A few months before our trip, he was cleared by the oncologist to go and to stay on the 3-6 month plan for checks and scans.  The scan prior to the trip was a passing one.  The little fucker (tumor) is still there and will always be there, but it didn't grow. 

We had THE best time in Sicily.  If Italy/Sicily is not on your bucket list, I suggest you put it there.  If you need a tour guide... yes.... I will go with you :)  Anyways, he got what he wished for, to take Dominic to Sicily and show him off to his family.  Who says wishes don't come true....

My FIL was amazed at how well Dominic did out there.  Hell... I was amazed at how well he did.  This child is so fucking resilient and just goes with the flow, just like his daddy.  He does not get this from me ;)

Let's go back to that statistic.  5%--what sucks is not only will my FIL NEVER EVER be cancer free is that no surgeon will touch him.  IF we found one that did, the cons...well paralysis and yeah, no thanks.  So, IF anything were to happen again like a "flare-up", we're back to more chemo aaaaand that's it.  He's had radiation, so there's no more of that.  

Which leads me to the fact that FIL is having a PET scan this Friday.  Why?  He's having more of that kind of pain in his legs/back.  I got home from work Monday and FIL said hi, but no picking on me, no sarcasm, nothing.  Mind you this is how I knew he was in pain last year.  My FIL and I have a VERY sarcastic, in your face relationship, don't get it twisted... I love the man dearly, but that's just us, that's how we are :)  I asked at dinner, "What's up with you? No picking on me? No smart ass dad today?" Nothing. The look on his face said it all. Fuck.  Let me rewind a bit here, last week is when we had to pull it out of him, to admit that he's been having pain in the 1st place. 

*Side note--I apologize in advance to those of you close to me that are finding out this way.  For some reason, it's harder to talk about this time*

FIL told MIL the week prior to that!  Damn Sicilians....so fucking stubborn!  But the I thought about it.  This has nothing to do with stubborness, well maybe a little, but I KNOW he's scared and quite frankly so am I.  Do you know how many stories I fucking hear on a daily basis about so and so's mom's cancer came back and she passed away?  Or so and so's uncle just passed away cuz HIS cancer came back? 

Yeah...so to say the least I'm fucking scared shitless.  All of this is fucking bullshit.  Yes, I know, think positive, don't think the worst, but in reality that's what humans do don't they?  Think the negative right away?  Well, that's what I do, that's what Matt's doing and I can't imagine what the fuck my MIL is thinking right now... how scared SHE IS!!!!!!  ARGH....I fucking hate cancer's life.

All the what if's play in my head when I run now, making for a great run because of all the stress I release into the world, but sucks at the same time because it's not the sweat in my eyes that makes me cry anymore.  It's the thought of my son without his best friend.  It's the thought that my FIL didn't get to enjoy Dominic to the fullest, you know through his teens and shit.  It's the thought that IF something does happen and we lose him, Dominic will always point to a passing Toyota Camry and say, "Pa cah" (translation-grandpa's car) & it won't be cute anymore, it'll be sad.  It's the thought that cancer is a piece of shit that doesn't discriminate.  It's the thought that all I want to do is punch a fucking hole in the wall in anger.  It's the thought that my husband can't sleep at night because of all this and scared to lose his father to this shit.  It's the thought of my family going through all of this all over again. 

Do you know what scares me THE most of all of this?  That my FIL will give up.  That he'll do chemo again and MAYBE a 3rd time?  But what if he needs it a 4th time or 5th time?  What then?  How can I NOT think about all those what if's?  How can I NOT think this way?  Trust me, I do try hard NOT to.  I have to snap Matt out of the negativity sometimes, but really...how much can one truly take is what I'm afraid of. 

 

As of now,  this fucker (cancer) has the potential to crush not only my MIL, SIL, my husband & my soul, but more importantely it will crush my son's.  Yes, I understand he's only 3 and 1/2 and he may not remember this or the trip, but he's a smart cookie.  He'll know that "pa" isn't here if that's what our path leads to....

I truly am hoping to snap out of this little pity party I'm having for my family.  I am hoping for some kind of good news after Friday. 

I just hope....

If you are a prayer, do me a favor will ya?  Throw one in there for my FIL.....