Moments

Moments to me, are things/events that happen in life that can be good, bad, even ugly. Life is made up of these moments.  One of my most memorable, of course, is this one.....

When my son was born.  Aside from marrying Matt, THIS was it, the greatest day of my life, the moment that defined me as a person.  Like every parent, especially a mother, you have plans for your child.  I still do, I want my son to be anything he wants to be, I want my son to be happy in life, I want everything for my son......everything.

This...this is a happy moment in life.  This is something that you print a million photos of and show the world.  This is a good...no .... this is a great moment.

At Dominic's 1 year check, our previous pediatrician asked me how many words Dominic was saying/babbling.  My response w/ my hand in the form of a "zero", said....none.  Dr. Weiss looked puzzled, but quickly retracted that facial expression and said, "You know, let's not worry, I'll follow up with you in a few months."  I say, "Ok, cool."  Thought nothing of it.  Fast forward 6 months later, he asks the same question to which I still respond the same answer.

Without boring you with single-drawn out details, I will just tell you that we did everything that goes along with a speech delay.  Hearing test after hearing test, speech therapy and developmental therapy.  We've had people tell us that he's just "lazy" because we as parents and/or grandparents can't help but talk FOR our kids, which is what we did, it's natural. 

Recentely, I told the school speech therapist that if this is the only thing that is ever the issue with our son, then I'll take it.  Dominic is happy and healthy... BUT, this my friends did not come to me easily.  When we started the journey of hearing tests on a 1 and 1/2 year old, continued to therapies to get him to talk, my mind questioned my chops as a mom.  "Where did I fuck up as a mother?"  "Did I NOT do something with him?"  "What's wrong with my son?"  "How did this happen?"  "Did I DO something?"  "Was it something I did during pregnancy?"  "Did I eat the wrong things?"  "How did I fuck up as a mother?"  "What did I do wrong?"  You guys can tell me 10 million times a day that I didn't do anything wrong, that I didn't fuck this up somehow, that I'm a great mom, that I didn't do this to my son, but at the end of the day, I still feel that I fucked up somehow.  I'm supposed to know what my son needs.  I'm his mother, this is my job, I'm supposed to teach him, I'm supposed to talk to him, did I not talk to him enough?  Do you know how frustrating it is when Dominic wants something and I don't know what it is and I yell at him because now I have Lightning McQueen flying at my fucking face because he's frustrated that his mother doesn't know what he wants?  This is an ugly moment, a bad moment,one that I wish did not exist.

This photo isn't due to a frustrated moment due to the delay.  It was a 2 year old photo session that he wanted nothing to do with ;)  But this is the side of Dominic people don't see alot.  This is the frustrated look/reaction Matt and I get when Dominic has his "moments."  In all honesty, I'd be pissed off at my mom and dad too if they couldn't understand me. 

On the recent trip to Sicily, yes, the language barrier kept Dominic from being able to play with his cousins, but I was heartbroken at the fact that they were trying to talk to him and play with him and he couldn't.  I tried, in the past and still do, arrange playdates with kids who do talk and I just found myself frustrated & (HATE admitting this) jealous....no... envious afterwards.  We were at a birthday party for a friend's little boy and an almost 2 year old climbs up next to me and asked his mom, "Mommy, can I have cake too?"  WHAT THE FUCK....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  was the thought in my head.  Don't worry... I didn't blurt it out.  I was frustrated because he can tell his mom what he wants.  I have to guess or assume that Dominic wants cake too. 

No one wants this child to speak more than me & what is beyond annoying is when people who just don't get it say shit like, "Once he talks, you won't be able to shut him up...."  Really?  You obviously don't get it and that's fine but really?  Once he starts fully talking do you know how relieved Matt and I will be?  I honestly just laugh it off and go along with that "joke" now, it used to piss me off more than anything but really I feel immune to it, I write it off as people just do not get it and again....now... that's ok.  We just enrolled Dominic in Tae Kwon Do class.  2 weeks ago on a Saturday, Master An counted to 10 and the other kids followed suit.  I broke down and sobbed at home because of the look on Dominic's face.  I see him wanting to join in but he just can't.  He knows what they're doing, but he couldn't join in to count with the other kids.  That fucking sucked donkey balls.  This... this is a sad moment.....

Let's bring you up to speed now.  Dominic is in school, he loves it there and the staff is wonderful!  He goes 5 days a week for 2 hours and also receives speech therapy twice a week.  His "babbling" has taken OFF!  Matt and I have done more to make him use his words, for example, we know he wants juice, but wait for him to say at least part of the word before we give it to him.  We want him to say "I want juice please."  Dominic's way is "I wa ju peeeeese" :)  It's gotten better and way less frustrating...no more cars are being chucked at my face.

Today was, finally, a great moment.  One that inspired today's pensive entry.  Dominic has been, in his own way, speaking A LOT more within the past few weeks.  His longest sentence was just this past Monday morning when he said to me, "Mama, I wa mo ju peeeese." I praised THE shit out of him, hi 5'd him, hugged and kissed him and asked him to say it again and he did.  I didn't have to ask if he wanted juice, he just told me.  So today's moment?  I was on my way home from the city and I called home to let Matt know I was on my way.  Matt put Dominic on the phone and with every question I asked him, there was a response.  He understands me, he always has, but now he's responding.  I mean NO offense here and hate to compare Dominic's speech delay to something like blindness or deafness, but you know how blind people's other senses kick in?  And those other senses help them get through life?  I see that in Dominic.  He couldn't speak yet his grasp of things was so spot on.  I felt happy after that phone call.  I felt relieved.  My friend Carolyn was in the car with me and not that I can't cry in front of other people... for whatever reason, I just held it in.  It would've been tears of joy had I unleashed the plumbing :)

As I said, if this is the only issue that we ever have to face with our son, I'll take it.  I have to step back sometimes and put into perspective that things can be so much worse and they aren't and for that I'm truly grateful.  BUT I allow myself the pity parties because this isn't easy. It isn't easy when a table full of teachers and social workers are telling you that something is wrong with your son.  Whether it's a speech delay or a health issue, it isn't easy.  Do I feel better about the whole, "I fucked up as a mom?"  Honestly, no.  I don't.  A small part of me still asks that, but it's not as bad as it used to be.  A part of me knows that it wasn't Matt and I that fucked up, it's just something that is..... and something that we need to go through together as a family.