We have been BUSY, BUSY, BUSY! Dominic is in his 3rd year--well 2nd FULL year--of school and I cannot even begin to tell you how proud I am of him! I've been posting on FB like mad on all of the Dominic-ism's!! You're God damn right I'm showing off/bragging because it's been a LONG time fucking coming for this child to be able to communicate with us properly. Don't get it twisted, Matt and I STILL have to catch each other because we do still try and talk for him which is such a hard habit to break, but we're trying. Every once in a while though, Dominic himself will tell us to "Shhhhh..." so HE can try to say what he wants!!! I LOVE IT!
I admit, I also still "hold him back" so to speak w/ things like sports or those Tae Kwon Do classes we tried out last year but it's time now. He's 4 & 1/2 now (W.T.F!) and ready for the things that the other kids his age have been doing. Matt and I need to put our big kid pants on and show him what he's been missing out on! As parents' all we ever want to do is to protect our children and for many personal reasons I'm VERY protective of mine, but at the same time CANNOT be overbearing, I know this. Again, I know things can be a lot worse, but because of his delays, I just get so scared that he isn't really ready for certain things. Dominic is a resilient little boy and has proven US wrong every single time. We've finally signed him up for TKD classes and I'm so excited for him to start!
Oh! We also have this goin' on as well........
Yep! Another Grasso....another boy! Yay for using all of D's stuff and not going bankrupt clothing a little girl and turning this house pink and purple! :) I am 28 weeks but look like I'm ready to pop tomorrow! I was huge with Dominic too. My belly entered a room before I did and I honestly loved it! I wanted people to see me coming with all that jelly! :) So, needless to say all of this has kept us busy too. Trying to get a new baby's room ready while entertaining a little boy is NOT an easy task! ;) Thank goodness for sleepover's with the grandma's and grandpa's!
Speaking of, we've also been spending as much time as we can with my in laws is the other reason for our busy-ness. FIL is still fighting a good fight, but things are getting fairly worse. Tumor got bigger, chemo has stopped for now as this last round clearly did not do shit for him. Matt and my in laws recently had a consulation w/ a radiation specialist to discuss proton therapy. Proton therapy is a form of radiation therapy for many types of tumors. I destroys cancer cells by preventing them from dividing and growing. The difference between proton therapy and standard x-ray radiation is that protons deposit much of their radiation directly to the tumor and then stop. This allows patients to receive higher doses, which can be more effective, while reducing the damage to healthy tissues around the tumor (Definition from ProCure.com). There is NOTHING positive about cancer which is why it's much easier to be negative. I hope to God this works and I pray that this will alleviate the pain he is currently in. Let's just say he's been taking his pain meds like they are fucking tic tacs. Proton therapy will probably work BUT because that bitch is on his spine, it will only "buy him time" so to speak. Apparently the oncologist at Rush is going to talk to his "spine" guy to see if there is any chance of surgery. I'm hopeful on the proton therapy, I'm NOT holding my breath on the surgery option. And no, that's not me being "negative," that's me being realistic to the fact that IF anyone touches that tumor the biggest side effect is paralysis, to which my FIL said 2 years ago, "Fuck that."
A few months ago, my FIL, MIL and the nurse were all crying because he said that he wanted to stop, give up and pretty much just throw in the towel. He won't, but he wants to. If it wasn't for Dominic or his unborn grandson, he would have stopped this bullshit a loooooong time ago. The man can't cut his grass anymore, guess who does that? My MIL. Like she doesn't have enough to deal with. He physically cannot play with his grandson or do ANYTHING for more than 5 minutes without feeling winded and tired. What the fuck kind of a life is that? I usually ALWAYS have something to say, about anything and everything, especially when it comes to this. So when Matt told me about FIL's appointment, I didn't say shit. Why? Because I don't fucking blame my FIL for wanting to stop. The only break he's had from all of this shit is when we went to Sicily last summer. That's it.
Cancer is such a mind fuck. It's a mind fuck for those who have it and for their family that have to watch that person suffer. It's a mind fuck for everyone, mostly for my FIL. He is your typical Sicilian--hard-headed, acts-tough-but-is-a-softie-on-the-inside kinda guy, so it's hard to see him this way. It's hard to watch him apologize to me while crying because he can no longer make the drive out here to help us watch his grandson. It's hard when we go out there almost every weekend to help THEM as much as we can or to let them visit w/ Dominic and all he does is sleep. It's hard to kiss him hello or goodbye without wanting to punch a fucking wall in anger or run to the bathroom and cry out of sadness.
Aside from the obvious people though, I feel the most for my husband right now. Thinking about it as I blog, he has NO fucking break. He is swamped/stressed at work and about work AND works more when Dominic goes to bed. He can't just sit when he gets home either because our son wants all of his daddy's attention and Matt gives it to him 150 fucking percent everyday. Weekends are even more packed w/ busy-ness. Because of all the time we spend with my in laws, I have to fit my parents in there as well. They are in complete understanding of why more time is spent w/ my in laws and are fine w/ that but it's me that feels bad for them. So we literally have NO weekends where that dry erase calendar has nothing on it. Let's not forget the "honey-do" list that I have for Matt because of trying to get new baby shit together. He's so tired and sometimes I have no choice but to sit back and be forced to watch the sadness in his face. It is beyond heartbreaking.
I know that I don't need to explain myself to anyone, but I love my in laws. The relationship that I have with my in laws is super weird for others to understand because I actually DO like them. I don't call them "mom" and "dad" for my health. I would die without my in laws and what they've done for my family.
It's not that I can't cry in front of Matt or my in laws, but I try not to. I hold it in until I'm by myself in the bathroom or when no one's home. That's when I cry. I don't want to upset Matt or my MIL more than they already are and I definitely can't lose my shit in front of Dominic. Last week, out of fucking nowhere, Matt says, "You know, I barely remember my grandfather Matteo. Dominic isn't going to remember my dad." Now...what in the fuck do you say to that?! What?! I just held his hand and let Matt cry. I will make damn sure that Dominic remembers his grandfather if it's the last fucking thing I do.
I know that genie's in bottles, magic wands or fairy dust don't exist, but IF they did, I'd wish for this back. In the picture, my FIL is healthy, happy & in fucking heaven holding his grandson. I want this back. I want this back for my husband. I want this back for my MIL and SIL. I want this back for my son.
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